


Falling into Love

by NotAProfessionalWriter



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Artist Clarke Griffin, F/F, Lawyer Lexa (The 100), Past Costia/Lexa (The 100), Physical Abuse, Pining, Rating May Change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:35:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 46,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24168958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotAProfessionalWriter/pseuds/NotAProfessionalWriter
Summary: Clarke moves into Lexa's apartment complex and becomes her next door neighbor. Clarke is a history of fine arts masters student and Lexa is a soon to be lawyer who spends a lot of time sleeping around with random girls after getting her heart broken. The two become instant best friends until years later when Lexa realizes that she's in love with Clarke and has always been in love with her. When going to pick Clarke up at the airport after being in Paris for three months, Lexa is anxious to make her announcement to Clarke, but is stopped in her tracks when Clarke makes an announcement of her own.Will this be the end of Lexa's brief hope she had for a future with Clarke, or will they be able to conquer all and end up together (They totally will. Duh)
Relationships: Anya & Raven Reyes, Anya/Raven Reyes, Clarke Griffin & Lexa, Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Finn Collins/Clarke Griffin, Octavia Blake & Lincoln, Octavia Blake/Lincoln
Comments: 88
Kudos: 341





	1. Chapter 1

**5 Years ago**

Lexa hated bringing a girl over to her place. It was so much more difficult convincing one of her one night stands to leave than it was for her to just get out of bed, pick up her clothes strewn all over the place and sneak out. Peeking out from underneath the covers, Lexa noticed that she was in a room that was all too familiar. She tried thinking back to the night before, trying to pinpoint the moment she thought it would be a good idea to bring the stranger back to her own apartment. Looking back at last night, everything was a blur. All she could see was flashes of the bar, a chugging contest with her best friend Lincoln, a dark-haired girl with a beautiful smile approaching her and then said girl underneath her moaning and begging for more.

It was a fun night, but it was time for her to go. Lexa shrugged the golden tanned arm off of her chest, nudging at the sleeping beauty beside her. “Hey…” _Oh shit I don’t know her name_. Lexa nudged her again “Hey uhm. I need to go to class, so uhm…” The girl gave a grunt and started sitting up. Leaning in to kiss Lexa, a frown formed on her face when the brunette pulled away. The stranger’s eyebrow quirked up within an instant. “Oh, so you’re the hit it and quit it type?” she huffed and got out of bed, getting dressed as fast as she could.

Lexa gave her somewhat of an incredulous look. “Sweetheart come on. You and I both knew what last night was going to be.”

“You know what, fuck you! And it’s not sweetheart, it’s Alie!” Alie threw Lexa’s discarded shirt towards her.

Lexa jumped out of bed, getting dressed and following Alie stomping towards her front door. “Oh come on, sweetheart-“

Standing in the open doorway, Alie whirled around with a murderous stare towards Lexa. “For the last fucking time, don’t call me sweetheart!” and with that the door was slammed shut and she was stomping down the hallway of the apartment complex. Lexa could hear a crash and a “What the fuck?” from outside. Popping her head out of the doorway, Lexa could see a blonde on the floor, picking up some boxes that must have fallen out of her grasp upon colliding with hurricane Alie

“Oh shit, here let me help you.” Lexa rushed over and started picking up some pencils and containers, slowly packing them back into one of the boxes. Reaching for the last pencil, her hands brushed with the stranger’s in front of her. She looked up and as green met blue, her jaw went slack. The woman before her was absolutely beautiful, from her strong jaw, to her beautiful milky skin, the beauty mark above her lips and her golden tresses. “Oh sorry.” She breathed out. “Hi I’m Lexa”

“Hi Lexa,” the blonde gave her a smirk “I’m Clarke” she put the last pencil in the box, getting back up. “I just moved in here, I’m 614” Well that definitely explained the boxes.

“Oh yeah? I’m 615. Do you need help moving up some boxes?”

“You sure your girlfriend wouldn’t mind?”

_What is she talking about… oh… ohhh_ “Oh no, she’s not my girlfriend. More like –“

“A girl that couldn’t take the hint and thought it was more than a one nighter?” Clarke smirked at her. Satisfied when she saw the shocked expression on her neighbor's face.

Lexa scratched the back of her neck with a sight. “Yeah something like that. So, is that a yes? I can help you out with some boxes?”

“Sure, that would be great”

\-----------

Lexa spent the morning helping Clarke unload her boxes from the truck and getting everything into her new apartment. By 12:30 most of the apartment was set up, only a couple of boxes left to unpack. The faint buzz in her pocket pulling Lexa’s attention. She pulled out her phone quickly and glanced at a text from her older sister.

12:31 **Anya**

_Hey, are you still in bed with that girl from last night? It must be love, hey ;) Anyway, get your ass over here. You promised you would help me set up the bar before tonight._

“Oh fuck, hey Clarke I’ve gotta go. You gonna be alright here?”

“Yeah sure. Thank you again for helping me. You really didn’t have to help me unpack as well.”

“I’ll see you around, Clarke”

\-----------

“So when are you getting your results?” The dirty blonde asked her younger sister as she passed her a newly opened beer bottle.

“They’re releasing it at 22:00. Who the fuck releases bar exam results at 22:00 on a Friday night?” Lexa took downed her beer, anxiously looking at her watch, noting that it’s only 20:54.

Anya snorted “Apparently Trikru U wants to make sure their campus bars get in a lot of money. Seriously, this is one of our best nights of the year Lex, other than like Halloween and New Year’s and St. Patrick’s Day.” Lexa scoffed at that. “No seriously Lex, it’s like all the future lawyers are out here ready to either drown their sorrows or celebrate passing their exams.”

“Yeah hopefully at the end of the night I’ll be pissed for all the right reasons”

“Hopefully? Lex, you’re at the top of your class at Trikru U. It’s the best law school in the country. You’re smart, ruthless and you don’t back down from a challenge. You’re going to be pissed for the right reasons. Trust me.” Anya nudged her sister. She would never say it in so many words, but she was extremely proud of her younger sister. She had always excelled at everything. She was at the top of her by working hard and putting in 150%. She did this while maintaining an active social life and excelling at sports. She was a natural born leader, charismatic and loved by anybody who got to know her. She had become worried about her baby sister over the last year after after a messy breakup with her longtime girlfriend, Costia. Everyone thought that they were going to be in it for the long haul, but apparently Costia had different plans. When she got accepted to Azgeda University on the other side of the country, the couple tried to make it work, but after being separated for almost the entirety of their college careers, Lexa flew up to AU to surprise her girlfriend, only to find her in bed with her “friend” Ontari. After that, Lexa just wasn’t herself. She cried for weeks over Costia and then she just became cold, somewhat stoic. Anya’s seen her the way her sister works. She would put on the charm for the girls in the bars just to get into their beds, but the next morning she would be cold again. Lexa only ever hung out with Anya and her best friend Lincoln since then, not bothering to make a connection that could last long enough than one night of pure bliss.

“Thanks Ahn. I think I’ve got it in the bag though, so is it too early to start celebrating?” Lexa said with a smile that reached her eyes. She was ready for this. She knew there was no way she was going to fail.

“That’s the spirit! This round is on me baby sis!” Anya poured them both a draught beer. “Oh hey did Lincoln say what time he was going to get here?”

Lexa had a quick look at her phone again

20:59 **Lincoln**

_We’re almost there, Lex. Get your sister to pour me four draughts please ;)_

“He says he’s on his way. Wait, FOUR draughts? I thought we were just meeting his new girlfriend?”

Anya chuckled at her younger sister. “Hey maybe they’re just both heavy drinkers?” When Lexa’s eyebrow shot up in disapproval Anya continued to chuckle and calmed her sister down by saying “No I’m just kidding Lex. The girlfriend felt a bit outnumbered and really nervous to meet us, so Lincoln suggested that two of her friends come and join us tonight.”

“Oh ok”

“Play nice, Lex”

‘what? Me? I’m always nice.”

“Lex, we both know you’re very intimidating?”

“ME? How about you? This is some pot calling the kettle black bullshit”

Anya threw her head back and laughed at that. “Ok yeah you’re right.” She arched her eyebrow, giving her younger sibling that familiar smirk. “I’ll play nice too” her head shot up towards the door when she saw Lincoln and three strangers walk in. “Oh look here they are now.” Anya waved over Lincoln.

When Lexa turned around, she beamed at her best friend. He was practically radiating with joy, proudly walking side by side with, who she assumed must have been the girlfriend she’s heard all about, Octavia. Their fingers were intertwined and Lincoln was beaming back at Lexa. He leaned down to place a kiss on the top of his girlfriend’s dark hair, causing her to blush slightly and smile back up at him. Lexa loved seeing her friend so happy. Octavia’s friends were trailing behind Lincoln, busy talking about something Lexa couldn’t make out. Lincoln stopped in front of them, giving the Woods sisters, greeting both of them.

“Hey guys.” He beamed down at them. “So Lexa, Anya, this is Octavia” Lincoln motioned to the girl clinging onto his arm, smiling widely. If he could smile any wider, his face might just tear. “And this,” Lincoln turned around to motion to his friends “is Raven and-“

“Clarke” Lexa interrupted him, a smile breaking out on her face.

“Oh damn, you guys know each other Lex?” Lincoln asked with a smile on his face, but a hint of concern that only Anya and Lexa could really pick up. Of course Lincoln knew that Lexa didn’t really make friends. She would go out on the hunt and make a friend for a night, barely remember their names the next morning and then move onto the next.

Lexa smirked at her friend, knowing exactly what was going through his mind. The two stared at each other for what felt like a minute, having somewhat of a telepathic conversation of _“No, Linc, I din’t sleep with her” “Lex don’t lie to me” “I’m not. I din’t sleep with her”_. Well it felt like a minute, but it was mere miliseconds before Lexa smiled back towards the blonde.

“Not really. Kind of. Clarke just moved into my apartment complex, right next door actually.”

Clarke continued where Lexa left off. “Yeah Lexa here was nice enough to help me unload all my boxes and pack away some of my things this morning while you two,” Clarke pointed towards Lincoln and Octavia with a grin on her face “were too busy making out to remember that I was moving in this morning” Lincoln and Octavia both blushing at Clarke, because they both knew she hit the nail on the hid “and while you” she pointed at Raven “were too busy with some mad scientist project to pick up your phone.”

“Taking over the world one day at a time” Raven winked at her best friend.

“Wow” Clarke smiled at her friends before turning back to her neighbor and the dirty blonde who she just found out is Anya “I really do have shitty friends don’t I?”

Anya laughed at Clarke, offering her a draught “Yeah it seems like you do”

Clarke accepted the beer from the blonde. “So Rae and I have known Octavia since high school. How do you guys know Lincoln?”

Lexa started to answer “Well Linc and I met first year of college and just hit it off. I was definitely the best wingwoman he could ever ask for” Lincoln blushed and continued. “Yeah and then one year I went to Lexa’s for thanksgiving, because my parents were overseas on some business trip and that’s when I met her older sister, Anya, here. We've all just kind of been best friends ever since.”

“Damn” Raven’s quirked a brow, giving the Woods sisters a cocky smile “Sister? Wow your genepool must be amazing for both of you to have turned out this hot.” Anya almost choked on her beer at the forwardness of the Latina in front of her.

“Rae, no hitting on my friends please. Keep it in your pants at least for tonight” Lincoln groaned at the Latina.

“I’ll play nice…“ Raven threw a wink towards Anya before leaning over for her drink “for tonight at least”

Lincoln threw back his head and laughed. “Watch out for this one, Ahn”

Anya straightened up, gaining her composure. “Well my shift is over in 20 minutes and then we are all going to get hammerfucked waiting for Lex to hear if she’s passed the bar or not. You guys go grab us a booth before things get too busy, I’ll join you when I’m done” Anya waved off the group, heading back to another regular at the other end of the bar.

After about 20 minutes, as promised, Anya joined the group with a fresh round of beers for everyone. Another 30 minutes later, the group erupted in cheers as Lexa received her results, confirming that she has indeed passed her bar exam as expected. This exciting news resulted in them indeed getting hammerfucked as Anya had predicted. The drinks were flowing and conversation was easy. By the end of the night, Lexa had learned a lot about the three new girls.

Firstly, Octavia played soccer throughout high school and got a scholarship to play at Trikru U. She was three years younger than her and Lincoln. She enrolled at Trikru U to study sport science and has been at the top of her class this year. Octavia has an older brother, Bellamy, who serves in the U.S. army. From what Lexa could tell, her best friend’s new girlfriend was somewhat of a party girl, but could still get stuff done when she needed to.

Secondly, there was Raven. Being two years her senior, the Latina mentored Octavia on the soccer field, but had to stop playing when she got a career ending injury when she was in a car accident her senior year of high school. She was extremely quick-witted and exceptionally smart. Raven got a full ride to Trikru U for their engineering program, graduating high school at the top percentile of the entire country, definitely winning over the academic buffs on the board of admissions when she submitted a robot she designed and built from scratch as part of her application. She’s in her final year of studies and has been working on some top secret patent with some top secret tech company that she’s not allowed to reveal to anyone, but loves bragging about anyway.

Then last, but definitely not least (in Lexa’s opinion), there was Clarke. Clarke was two years younger than Lexa and came to Trikru U to study her masters in art history. Before Trikru U, she attended Arkadia School of Fine Arts after high school where she obtained her degree in art history. Unlike her two best friends, she was never really one for soccer and tended to spend most of her free time painting and dreams to one day own her own gallery where she can exhibit her own work alongside other breakthrough artists, deserving of the spotlight. Out of the three best friends, Clarke could definitely be considered as somewhat of the mother figure, according to Raven. She was apparently always the one to take care of them after a rough night out, always the one to make sure everyone was coping through school and personal drama and she was always the one to call when you had a bad day.

\-----------

The next morning, Lexa opened up her eyes to find herself in a room that wasn’t her. Shooting up in bed, she immediately groaned. Her head was pounding like never before. _Last night must have been some heavy celebration. Holy shit. I passed the bar!_ Lexa moved excitedly again, only to be reminded of the excessive alcohol consumption the night before when the throbbing pain in her head persisted. When she glanced next to her, she noticed that there was no one in bed next to her, only a glass of water on the bed stand and an aspirin with a note that said “Drink me”.

Lexa grabbed the water and threw her head back as she threw the aspirin to the back of her throat before taking a big gulp of water. She stretched and got out of bed and once looking down at herself realized she was still wearing her clothes from the night before. Sneaking out of the bedroom, everything around her started looking more and more familiar, until her eyes landed on a head of golden blonde hair. It was Clarke. She was in Clarke’s apartment. _Did we? No? I’m still dressed? Well I mean it wouldn’t be the first time. Oh fuck, Lincoln is going to kill me, he’s totally going to flip when –_

“I can hear those gears turning.” The blonde laughed at Lexa, peeking out from behind her easel to give her a warm smile. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah, uhm I think so”

“That’s good, you talk in your sleep. You know that?”

Lexa huffed out a chuckle. “Yeah so I’ve heard. Listen… uhm did we?”

“Did we what?”

Lexa just smirked at the blonde and quirked her eyebrow before she reacted.

“Oh.. OH! God no! I mean no offense. You offered to split an uber home and then when you got to your door, you realized that you left your keys at the bar. I offered for you to stay in the guest room seeing as you helped me so much with all the unpacking and you called Anya and told her you’d get the keys in the morning.” Clarke quickly explained to Lexa.

“Oh ok that’s good.”

“Oh?” Clarke stepped out completely from her easel, looking the brunette up and down, smirking at her. “Is that so?”

Lexa was completely floored by the way Lexa was smirking at her. “It’s not like that. Lincoln would literally kill me if I hooked up with you!”

“Oh because he has control over me and what I do with my body?”  
  


“No not at all. More like Octavia is really important to him and he doesn’t want drama if I hook up with one of her best friends and then you know-“

“Fuck off the next morning?” Clarke questioned the brunette.

“Yeah, something like that.” Lexa gave her a sheepish grin.

“Well it’s not like I haven’t had one nighters before” Clarke just shrugged her shoulders, stepping back behind her easel continuing with her painting.

“Hmmm, we would be good together then.” Lexa turned up the charm, giving Clarke a good look.

“Oh honey, no we wouldn’t. Besides, I’d just end up breaking your heart.”

“Oh yeah, well what if I break yours?”

Clarke peeked out from her easel “Why on earth would I want to be with someone who is just going to break my heart?” she smirked at the brunette standing across from her with her mouth slightly open. Lexa laughed. Clarke wasn’t like the other girls she’s met. They all seemed to fling themselves at her, but not Clarke. Lexa chuckled at that thought.

“What’s so funny, Romeo?”

“Nothing, nothing. It’s just, you’re nothing like any of the other girls I’ve met before”

“Oh because I’m not throwing myself at you on the first night of meeting you?”

“Something like that”

Clarke just laughed at the girl. “So how about this. I’m new in town, Octavia and Lincoln are going away on some lovey dovey trip this week and Raven is going god knows where, probably NASA for some top secret project, so how about we skip the whole let’s be awkward about why we’re not sleeping together thing and you can show me around town. Something normal friends would do.”

“Yeah, I can do that.”

For the first time in a long time, Lexa felt like she could possibly allow someone other than Anya and Lincoln into her life. _Friends are good right? I could do with one of those_

Hours later, Lexa finished giving Clarke a tour of the town, ending up at a pub around the corner from their apartment for a quick drink. The day was amazing. She got to know Clarke and was really drawn to her the more time moved on. She could see Clarke becoming a more permanent part of her life very easily. Lexa raised her glass in a mock toast to Clarke. “To new friendships and not having sex on the first night of meeting!”

Clarke just laughed and clinked her glass with Lexa’s “To no sex friendships” and took a sip of her drink.

The two of them might not have realized it yet, but the last 24 hours was the start of the most meaningful relationships they would have in their lives for a long time. The two never knew that the last 24 hours marked the start of an amazing soul friendship that couldn’t be compared to any other they’ve ever had in their lives. Of course they couldn’t have known it, it was only the beginning, so they continued drinking and talking well into the night, before finally departing at their apartment doors, already having made plans for some fun activities the following day.

**Present day**

Lexa was fiddling with her pocket watch, the one she got from Clarke two Christmases ago after becoming the youngest ever junior partner ever at Smith and Associates…. Now Smith, Woods and Associates after Lexa became a senior partner a couple of months ago. A lot of people, including Lexa, couldn’t believe how fast she has moved up the ladder. Anya kept reassuring her that it had to do with the multitude of high profile cases that Lexa would win time after time with seemingly no effort. There was a lot of effort though. There were a lot of late night preparing for cases, almost having breakdowns, pushing herself way too hard, getting sick from not getting enough sleep in her first year and focusing so much on her work. Lexa had one saving grace though. One person she could always depend on to be there when she needed her. There was one person who always knew how to get her in a good mood and make her laugh when everything just seemed too much. God she had missed her these last three months. Lexa glanced down to her most prized possession to check the time once more.

10:25

Her plane lands at 10:30. She hasn’t seen Clarke in three months. For what seems like the first time in 5 years, the duo was separated for longer than a week and it had been killing Lexa. She missed her best friend more than anything. More than that, being away from the blonde made her realize what an idiot she has been.

Throughout the years, Clarke has become her closest confidant, her rock, her everything. Clarke was living her dream. Her art got picked up by galleries all over the country and finally four months ago, she got a call from a gallery in Paris, basically begging to show one of her exhibitions. The blonde had been overjoyed and so had Lexa. This is what she had been working towards for so long. A month later, Clarke was off to Paris, leaving Lexa behind. Lexa could never have predicted how everything would have changed once Clarke had left. When the blonde was no longer there, it was as if the light in her day was gone with her.

Clarke and Lexa had a routine. They would both go to work, Lexa would drop by at the gallery Clarke was showing some of her work, always with a caramel latte and a bagel in hand for the blonde. They would talk about their day and Lexa would go back to work. Most evenings they spent either at Lexa’s apartment, or at Clarke’s, unless Lexa had a hook-up with some random girl she met at a bar, but there would always be lunch the next day where they would talk and laugh about the previous night’s escapades. Lexa still hasn’t settled down. There just wasn’t much time in her life to form a long lasting relationship with anyone. All her time went towards work, Anya, Lincoln and of course Clarke. The longest relationship Lexa held was about 3 weeks, but the girl got jealous because Clarke was constantly in the picture and upon being asked to choose between her and Clarke, it was a no-brainer for the brunette. Clarke was the most important person in her life and anybody who doesn’t realize that or can’t be ok with that, she just didn’t have time for.

When Clarke left, the hook-ups increased. It was like she was filling her time. It’s not like the sex wasn’t good, but it didn’t make her feel any better. As time moved on, Lexa just felt lonelier and lonelier. She couldn’t pinpoint it until one night when she was over at Lincoln and Octavia’s when the feisty brunette not so gracefully pointed it out to her.

_“It’s because none of them are Clarke, you idiot!” Octavia wielded her fork towards Lexa, some spaghetti falling back into her bowl as she gestured. “You’ve loved my best friend since the first day you met her.”_

_“I mean of course I love her, Octavia. It’s Clarke!” the exasperation in Lexa’s tone catching even herself off guard._

_Lincoln leaned over the table, placing a reassuring hand on Lexa’s “No Lex, you’re in love with her. You have been since forever. Octavia’s right.”_

_“Lincoln, just because you and Octavia are happily married, it doesn’t mean everyone around you are just as sappy and in love as you are.”_

_“Lexa, listen to me” Octavia started again “Who is the first person you think of every morning when you wake up?”_

_Without even needing to think, Lexa responded “Clarke, but tha-“_

_“Who do you think of before you go to bed?”_

_“Clarke, but that’s because we usually call before bed at night.”_

_Octavia_ _cocked a brow at Lexa, as if to tell her not to challenge her and just listen. “When you made junior partner, who was the first person you thought of calling? Who was the first person you called?”_

_“Clarke”_

_“And that time Anya was in a car accident and you were sitting by her bedside for weeks until she got out of that coma…. Who was the first person you called?”_

_“…Clarke”_

_“Who was the only person you allowed to hold you when that happened? The only person you cried in front of?”_

_“Clarke”_

_“When you made senior partner… was Clarke the first person you called”_

_“No…”_

_“Lex…”_

_“I didn’t call her, I ran straight out of the surprise party at work to the gallery around the corner to tell Clarke” the realization had started to hit Lexa, slowly but surely._

_“Who do you tell about everything in your life? Your highs, your lows, your random mundane things that nobody would really care about?”_

_“Clarke. It’s always Clarke.”_

_“And have you not been sabotaging every possibility of a relationship in the last 5 years, because none of them have ever been Clarke and that means none of them will ever be what you truly want?_

_“…”_

_“Ok how about this…When that nice girl you were seeing, Luna, when she asked you to choose between her and Clarke. Why did you choose Clarke?”_

_“Because she’s the most important thing in my life and I can’t imagine my life without her ok? It’s just….”_

_Lincoln squeezed her hand “What is it Lex?”_

_“It’s been so long. I love her ok. I do, but she’s my BEST FRIEND. What if she doesn’t feel the same? What if I fuck it up? She deserves the best and I’m not that. I sleep around and all I do is work and she just deserves more.”_

_“Lexa” Lincolns calming voice washed over her “That girl loves you more than anything in the world. You will never lose her. I am sure you can work through anything that comes your way. Worst case scenario, she doesn’t feel the same and it sucks for a while, but you work through it and you are still best friends AND you finally get to move on from her and stop holding a flame for someone who doesn’t even know you want them to return it….” Lexa flinched at that._

_“Or…”_

_“Or?”_

_“Or best case scenario, She feels the same way and you get to spend probably the rest of your life, because who are we kidding it’s you and Clarke, with the love of your life, your best friend, your PERSON. You could be with her Lex.”_

_“What if she doesn’t feel the same?”_

_“I can’t see that happening” Octavia interrupts. “I’ve seen the two of you together. I’ve known Clarke almost her whole life, Lexa. Trust me”_

Lexa glanced down at her pocket watch once more.

10:30

Looking back up at the screen, she sees Clarke flight has landed. About 15 minutes later after collecting her bags, Lexa could see Clarke strolling towards her, beaming, beautiful as ever. She missed that smile, those blue eyes, that beautiful soul. The moment she saw Clarke, it was like the light had come back. Lexa half whispered to herself as Clarke drew near “You’ve got this Lex”

Clarke broke out in a jog, trailing her luggage behind her, dropping it as soon as she got to Lexa, jumping in her best friend’s arms.

“Oh my god I missed you!” Clarke shrieked as Lexa lifted her up, twirling her around before setting her down, her hands remaining loosely on her hips, the brunette smiling widely at her.

“Promise me you will never allow me to go away for three months ever again!”

With a chuckle Lexa promised, pulling Clarke back into her arms and feeling the electricity course through her body and Clarke snuggled into the crook of her neck. She’s done it so many times before, but it feels so different now that Lexa knows what she feels. Well she’s always know… now that she has accepted what she feels for her best friend.

Clarke was the first to pull back slightly, the duo staring at each other, both of their eyes glistening with unshed tears of joy at being reunited.

“I missed you” Lexa smiled, a single tear rolling down her cheek. Clarke wiped the tear away with her thumb and placed a kiss on her best friend’s cheek before pulling away once more.

“I’ve missed you too.”

“Clarke-“

“Lexa-”

The both spoke at the same time. Lexa just giggled. “You first”

“No you go it’s ok”

“No seriously Clarke, I do have something to tell you, but you should go first.” It was partly nerves that kept Lexa from telling Clarke and partly the fact that as urgent as she felt about telling her, she wanted to make it special. She didn’t want to spill out her declaration of love in the middle of a busy airport.

“Ok” Clarke took a deep breath before smiling widely at her best friend “I don’t know how to say this. I mean it’s only been three months and oh my god you’re going to think I’m silly”

Lexa’s heart started beating wildly. She almost started worrying that Clarke would hear the thump thump until she realised that’s not actually possible. _Does she feel the same way? Did she come to the same realization as I have? Oh shit. It’s happening. It’s happening…_

“I’m engaged!” Clarke squealed, taking the necklace out from under her top, showing off the diamond ring hanging on it.

And with that, Lexa felt as if her heart plummeted from its cavity to her boots and every sound around her just slowly started fading out as Lexa prepared for the earth to swallow her whole within that very moment. She had missed her chance.


	2. Chapter 2

Lexa’s never felt this heavy before. I was almost as if her chest was caving in on itself, crushing her lungs, causing each and every breath that she took to be the most difficult thing she has ever done, shards of her broken heart cutting into her from the inside out with each rise and fall of her chest. Is this what heartbreak really felt like? She thought she knew what heartbreak was all those years ago when she found her Costia in bed with someone else. Back then Lexa was carefree and still had so much hope for a future with Costia. She knew she was going to marry her one day; it would just be a matter of time. When she opened the door of Costia’s apartment with her spare key and she heard the familiar moans of her love, her heart sank. Like some typical horror movie, she moved towards the danger, her body carrying her there without her brain deciding to move forward. Opening the bedroom door and seeing Costia naked on top of her so-called friend, Ontari, Lexa dropped the roses she had brought her, a sob escaping her throat.

It had taken her months to stop crying over her. Lexa basically lived in Anya’s apartment during that time, crying herself to sleep in her sister’s bed almost every day. Then one day, she just stopped crying. Lexa was numb. Anya saw this as a good sign, her sister wasn’t hurting anymore and that must have been better than being in pain every single day. Lexa had decided that love was weakness and she would never allow herself to fall in love with anyone ever again. If she didn’t love, she didn’t stand the chance of losing that love and hurting like that all over again. Whoever said that it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all was an absolute fool in Lexa’s opinion. That person had obviously never lost a soulmate. That person had obviously never had their heart shattered into a million pieces. Lexa allowed herself to be hardened, only turning on the charm when she had needs to be tended to. Anya and Lincoln were the only people she allowed to be close to her, there was still some part of her that she kept sealed off, but her sister and best friend had seen more of her than anyone else ever would, and Lexa was determined to keep it that way.

Then came Clarke, the physical embodiment of a ray of sunshine. Just like the sun’s rays, she started seeping through the cracks of Lexa’s walls, illuminating everything inside her and making her feel warm on the inside for the first time in years. Sometimes, the sheer intensity of being near her made her burn, not being used to feeling such heat and looking into such a bright light, but like a moth being drawn to a flame, Lexa was drawn to Clarke. She started opening up again, not really much more to Anya and Lincoln, but Clarke knew basically everything there was to know about Lexa, everything she loved, everything she hated. After knowing each other for a couple of months Clarke asked Lexa one night about the string of girls she was with, questioning her on why she didn’t allow herself to ever feel anything for any of them.

_“Love is weakness” if Clarke wasn’t staring at Lexa, listening intently for her answer, she would have missed it._

Lexa told Clarke all about Costia and how she had broken her and how she had vowed not to allow anyone to be in that position to hurt her ever again. As much as Clarke tried to convince her that there was more to life than just surviving from day to day and never allowing herself to love, Lexa just wouldn’t listen.

_“I have love, Clarke. I have you and Anya and Lincoln. I really don’t need more than that do I?”_ Lexa mused one night months later when Clarke had brought it up again. She had put an end to the conversation by snuggling up to her favourite blonde and switching on the tv. _“Come on Clarke, you promised me a Harry Potter movie marathon and that’s what we’re going to do. Please.”_

In turn, Lexa also knew everything about Clarke, she knew about her past relationships, her aspirations. Lexa knew about her ticks when she was anxious, the tell-tale signs when Clarke was falling for someone, what she craved when she was on her period, how her dad would always take her to the lake house for weekend getaways and how those were the times that she felt most inspired to paint. Lexa knew everything there was to know about the blonde.

Looking back now, Lexa could kick herself. Why did she never accept what was right there inside of her heart all that time. The girl that had been right in front of her all those years. Looking back, Lexa knew the heartbreak caused by Costia, the heartbreak that caused her whole “Love is weakness” outlook in life, the heartbreak caused by losing a soulmate, the heartbreak that left her immobilised for months…. That heartbreak was nothing. Looking back, the pain she felt back then was just a little pinch. This, here, standing in front of Clarke, hearing that she was going to be marrying someone who isn’t her… it was like being crushed instantly, but simultaneously it was like death by a thousand cuts.

Lexa pushed aside these thoughts of her own emotional demise, because here in front of her was Clarke, smiling at her with tears of joy in her eyes. She’d be damned if she allowed her own pain to ruin Clarke’s happiness. Snapping herself back to reality, she gave her best friend a smile.

“Oh my god, Clarke! That’s… it’s-“

“It’s sudden, I know. I’ve wanted to tell you, but you were under so much pressure at work and the time differences didn’t make it easy for us to keep in touch. I wanted to tell you earlier.”

“Are you happy?” Lexa asked holding her breath, a part of her secretly hoping Clarke would say no so that she could convince her that she’d be happier with her. If Clarke wasn’t happy, she would tell her to put a stop to this.

“Yes!” Clarke squealed “I’m so incredibly happy Lex.” She beamed at her and Lexa knew in that moment more than ever that she wasn’t going to allow her own feelings to stand in the way of Clarke’s happiness.

“Then that’s all that matters, Clarke.” She tried her best to give her best friend a genuine smile. “Tell me about this fiancé of yours – ha that’s so weird. Yu have a fiancé”

“Well, so the thing is… This is maybe also why I haven’t told you yet-“

“Clarke…”

“It’s Finn-“

“Finn? As in Finn who broke your heart your freshman year of college after cheating on you with Raven? THAT Finn?” Lexa whisper yelled at the blonde, the rage evident.

Clarke laid a soothing hand on Lexa’s arm. “He’s changed, Lex.” Lexa scoffed. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

“I’m serious, Lex. We ran into each other about 2 weeks after I got to Paris. At first I thought I was going to claw his eyes out, but then we started talking and he apologised We kept running into each other and we just started hanging out again. Everything started coming back, as if we just picked up where we left off, you know before the whole Raven thing.”

“Clarke, you don’t just choose where you want to have had things ‘left off’”

“Lex, I know, I really do, but he’s only human. He made a mistake and he’s atoned for it. He’s it for me Lex. He always has been, you knew that. We were talking about marriage back then when we were still together, we were young, but we knew what we wanted. Then we met in Paris again and it was … it was fate. The more time we spent together, the more it just felt RIGHT. We talked about it, really talked about it. We’ve lost out on so many years that we could have been together and after his mom passed last year, he just knew that he had to take life by the horns and not let an opportunity slip past him. He proposed, he said he couldn’t let his chance slip away again. He wanted the rest of our lives together to start sooner, rather than later.” Clarke paused, looking at her friend, trying to convey her emotion to her, trying to make Lexa FEEL what she was feeling, trying to make her understand.

Lexa sighed, Clarke was happy. Lexa didn’t love the idea of her and Finn, but she was happy.

“Clarke… I’m sorry, ignore my overprotective outburst. I just want you to be happy and I don’t want him to hurt you again.” Lexa pinched the bridge of her nose, squeezing her eyes shut, trying to remain calm. “This is just all so sudden Clarke. It’s been years, people change. Yes, he may have changed for the better in some sense, but that doesn’t mean he’s the same person you were in love with back then. Just… promise me you know what you’re doing?”

“I promise.” Clarke assured her friend, cupping her jaw, making Lexa look into her eyes. “I promise, ok?” Lexa leaned into her touch, taking a shaky breath and willing that pesky tear not to roll down her cheek.

“I just want what’s best for you, Clarke.” She forced a smile at Clarke. The blonde knew that Lexa was faking it, but that was understandable. Lexa knew how Finn had broken her. She had expected for Lexa to react this way. It’s going to be just as tough breaking the news to Octavia and Raven, not to mention her mother. Abbigail Griffin has despised Finn for years now. They would all come to though. He was important to her and they would just have to accept that.

“Thank you Lex. Honestly, getting your blessing was the most important thing to me. I wouldn’t have been able to go through with it if you didn’t approve”

Lexa just gave her a tight-lipped smile. Clarke knew not to push it with the brunette. She did just dump a lot on her.

“Ok enough emotions for today. So what’s the plan, we’re going home and then we can have a Harry Potter marathon?” Clarke asked with hope laced in her voice.

Lexa’s eyebrow shot up, suddenly realizing “Wait, where is Finn?”

“Oh he’s still in Paris, he couldn’t manage a flight down with me, so he’s wrapping up some business there and he’ll be flying down in two weeks. So… Home? Harry Potter marathon?”

“Actaully” Lexa hated lying to Clarke, in fact she never did, so she had no idea if she was going to be able to pull this one off “I’m taking you home, and then I need to head over to Anya and Raven’s. I know we haven’t seen each other in months, but I just thought you’d need your rest and Anya asked me to help with something and I already promised.”

“Oh” Clarke was disappointed. Lexa could hear it in her voice, but she needed her sister right now more than anything. Besides, she knew if she had to spend the night with Clarke in this state, it would be the end of her. She was barely hanging on as it is.

45minutes later, after dropping Clarke off, Lexa tapped on her car’s touchscreen, moving towards her speed dial list, tapping number 2… Anya’s number was programmed as 2… Clarke was 1 (obviously) Lincoln 3, her business partner Gia Smith 4 and then her personal assistant Lisa was 5. The speakers in her car started ringing, it ringed twice before Anya picked up.

“Hey Lex. Didn’t think I’d hear from you today. I’m pretty sure Raven has been going on and on for weeks now that Clarke was coming back today. Aren’t you guys having some sort of a movie marathon to celebrate her long awaited return?”

Lexa could hear a voices in the background, slightly muffled, but she could still make it out. “Hey babe, who is it” Anya must have covered the phone and turned to answer, because her voice was a bit softer. ”Lex, babe” another millisecond “Oh cool, tell her to tell Clarkey I said hi.”

“Lex, Raven says to tell Clarke she said hi” With that Lexa broke down into a strangled sob.

“Anya… I can’t… I can’t breathe” Lexa pulled over to the side of the road. She knew driving in this state was not a good idea.

“Fuck. Lexa’s what’s going on?” Another cry tore through Lexa’s lungs. She was gasping for air in between sobs.

“Fuck Ahn it hurts. It fucking hurts”

“Lexa. Where are you? Are you still driving?”

“No-“ sniff “I pulled over” at this point Lexa was gasping for breath “I need you to come and fetch me Ahn. Please.”

“Where are you, baby sis?”

Lexa couldn’t speak. Her heart was pulsing in her ears. Everything ached and she felt like she was busy drowing. Every breath was like drawing in water into her lung, gargling in her chest, choking, desperate for air and gasping once more only to be filled with water again. In the background, beyond the aching pulse in her ears, she could hear Anya and Raven frantically devising a plan in the background.

“Baby what’s going on” Even muffled and through the pulse in her ears, Lexa could hear the concern in Raven’s voice, but she couldn’t get herself to focus on it much more.

“It’s Lexa, something’s wrong. She wants me to get her, but she can’t tell me where she is. Fuck. What do I do” A sob escaped Anya’s lips. Raven was trying to calm her.

“Ok babe, does she have find my friend activated on her phone?”

“Uhm I don’t know. Hold n. Lex? Lex! Come on Lex!”

“Yeah she does. Babe I just checked. I have her location.”

Anya turned her attention back to the phone once more. “Ok Lex. I’m here ok. Raven knows where you are. We’re coming ok? I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere. We’re coming in my car to get you then Rae’s going to drive my car back and I’ll drive you back in yours ok? You’re staying here tonight-” She turned away from the phone towards Raven “She can stay in the guest room, right. It’s made and everything?” Raven must have nodded because Anya was speaking to Lexa again “Ok Lexa. Just stay on the phone with me, we’ll be there in 15 minutes.”

For the next 15 minutes, the longest 15 minutes of Anya’s life, she listened to her sister sobbing on the other end of the phone, hyperventilating, gasping for air. She hasn’t heard her sister like this in years. Not since Costia. Even then it wasn’t this bad. Anya kept trying to soothe her sister over the phone and it would help for about a minute before a fresh wave of sobs crashed over her. They were almost at Lexa’s location when the brunette went completely silent.

Lexa could see the car pulling up. Within mere seconds her older sister was in the seat next to her. “Lexa? Lexa look at me.” Anya urged her sister, wanting to scream, but restraining herself in an effort not to scare off her sister.

“Ahn..” Lexa turned towards her and it scared Anya when she looked into her eyes. Suddenly, Lexa had aged 40 years. It was in her eyes. It was like she has given up, but why? “Ahn, please can you just take me home” Another strangled sob tore through her chest and Anya just pulled her baby sister closer, letting her sob in the crook of her neck.

“Come on, kid. Let’s switch places and I’ll drive us.”

Anya rounded the car, opening her sister’s door and helping her out of the car, walking her around to the passenger side. Raven was giving her a worried look from the car, but knew better than to interfere. If Anya thought it best, she would have signalled for Raven to come over, but she just shook her head softly, leading her sister and helping her into the car before getting behind the wheel, signalling to Raven that they should go back home.

The drive to Raven and Anya’s house was silent. Lexa was staring out the window the entire way. When they stopped at the house, the trio walked in silence into the house. Anya turned to Raven “Rae, I think I just need to be alone with her for now ok? Do you think you can maybe just go get us something from the store for lunch, honey?”

“Of course, babe.” Raven leaned in and kissed Anya’s temple before giving Lexa’s shoulder a gentle squeeze.

“I love you, Raven” Anya half whispered to Raven, but the weight of it all was not lost on Raven. She could see that Anya was shaken up by seeing her sister like that. It was like making sure that Raven knew she loved her was a way of anchoring her. Raven gave her a smile, knowing she needed a pillar just as much as Lexa did. “I love you too, Ahn. Let me know if you need anything ok?”

As Raven was walking towards the front door, Anya started leading Lexa to the guestroom. She started stripping the clothes off of her and getting her dressed in an old oversized shirt and sleep shorts. Lexa was like a zombie, she was just staring out in front of her, allowing her sister to undress and dress her. Allowing her to move her to the bed and make her get under the covers. Allowing her to slip in behind her and hold her. As soon as her older sister’s arms wrapped around her, she felt like she was going to burst. The tears just started flowing and she knew there was no use in trying to stop it. Sobbing and gasping for air, Lexa could feel her sister pull her in closer to her chest.

“Shh it’s ok Lex. I’m here. Your big sis is here. I’m not going anywhere ok. You’re safe. Let it out”

Lexa cried herself to sleep within the next 20 minutes. The morning had completely taken its toll on her. Once Anya was sure her sister was asleep, she carefully slipped out of bed, trying not to wake her. As soon as she got in the kitchen, Raven came into the front door with ingredients from the store. The Latina dropped the bags on the counter and opened up her arms for the dirty blonde to step into. An almost silent sob escaped Anya’s lips as she spoke into Raven’s neck.

“I’ve never seen her like this Rae”

“I know baby.” Raven kissed her temple once more, knowing this was one of the things that gave Anya the most comfort. “Is she sleeping?”

“Yeah, she exhausted herself crying”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen her cry”

“You wouldn’t have” Anya sniffed “The last time she cried, at least that I know of, was years before all of us met”

“Fuck are you serious?”

“Yeah. Whatever it is, it’s serious.”

“So she hasn’t told you yet?” Raven brushed a wisp of hair from Anya’s face

“No, she couldn’t get a word out. I let her cry it out until she fell asleep. I’m going to let her sleep a bit more and I’ll talk to her when she’s ready.”

“Yeah I think that’s best. I’m got ingredients for my famous tamales.”

“Her favourite” Anya gave her an appreciative smile, giving her a quick peck on her lips before pulling back completely. “Let me know when the food’s ready, I’m going to get back into bed with her. I don’t want her to wake up alone. Not now.”

Lexa woke up when she felt a dip in the bed behind her. She refused to open her eyes though, but as soon as she felt her sister’s body behind her once more, she backed up into her, as if to will her to pull her closer again.

“I got you, kid” Anya reassured her again.

“Ahn.. her voice cracked, hoarse from all the crying. Straining, she turned around to face her sister. A part of her wanted to chuckle. Nobody would ever imagine her and Anya being like this. They were always these strong, stoic statues of people. It wasn’t in their blood to show emotions easily. To most people who didn’t know them, they came off too cold, too serious, too stiff. Nobody would ever guess that there were instances like this where they would be cuddled up in bed, sharing their deepest heartaches with each other. Hell, she barely believed it. She hasn’t displayed this much raw emotion to her older sister in years. This is what they’ve done since they were kids though. They could rip each other apart one second, but the next moment as soon as one of them was struggling with something they were there. Kind of one of those ‘Nobody hurts my sister but me’ moments.

“It’s ok, I’m here”

“It’s Clarke…” Her lip started trembling once more, but she pushed back the tears, determined to finish what she started and lay everything bare for her older sister. “I went to pick her up and I was going to tell her-” Lexa sucked in a deep breath, feeling her chest restrict once again, calming down as soon as Anya started running a soothing hand down her upper arm. “I was going to tell her that I love her, that I’m in love with her.”

If Anya was shocked by this news, she didn’t show it. She merely nodded, showing her sister that it was ok to continue.

“I was about to tell her Anya. Then… then she…”

“Just breathe. That’s good. In …. And out… good… then she what?” Anya encouraged her to continue, not stopping to run a soothing hand up and down her sister’s arm.

“She’s engaged.” Lexa bit back the tears that were about to spill. For a brief moment Anya lost her cool demeanour, because this time she was shocked, and she did show it.

“What? She’s not even seeing someone?!”

“She met him in Paris.”

“Still. It’s been three months. That’s ridiculous. You can’t know someone well enough to marry them in three months”

“It’s Finn…”

“Wait, why does that name sound familiar.” And then it dawned on her. “Wait Finn like the Finn who cheated on Clarke with Raven?” She could feel the anger boiling up within her. Anya knew the real story behind the story. Raven was too ashamed to tell Clarke that he tried forcing himself onto her after getting drunk at a party. She just told Clarke that he had kissed her, but she left out everything that happened after the sloppy, forced kiss. She left out the bruises on her arms and legs, which she covered up for weeks. She left out the therapy she had to undergo before she felt safe enough to join her friends at parties again. She left out the fact that she dove into her work even more and took on extra credit projects just in order to try and avoid her friends as much as she could.

“That’s the one.”

“I’m going to kill him.”

“Anya, Clarke says he’s changed”

“No. People like that don’t change.” Anya bit back before softening her face once more. Now wasn’t the time to focus on her anger. Now was the time to focus on her younger sister’s anguish. “I’m sorry, just… let’s not talk about him for now> So you finally realised that you’re in love with Clarke?”

Lexa nodded “Yeah. I think I always knew, I just never wanted to accept it. She’s my best friend Ahn. I think I’ve known for a very long time, but as soon as it clicked, everything with Costia just came to the front of my mind again.”

“Clarke isn’t Costia”

“I know. I… I just couldn’t risk it. You remember how broken I was. Costia fucked me up. I didn’t want Clarke to have the opportunity to fuck me up like that too. By the time I realised she would never fuck me up like Costia did, things were just too good. We were in a good place. I’ve never had anyone like that. Even when Costia and I were at our best, it wasn’t anywhere near the connection I have with Clarke. I was too scared I’d mess it up. So I just shoved my feelings down to try and preserve what we had.”

“I get it, kid. It’s scary. You know I was shit scared of what I felt for Raven. It took me forever to admit that what we had was more than just hooking up. It took me three years to finally put a ring on that finger and honestly it was the best thing that I’ve ever done. I know love is scary, Lex, but when you find the one, it’s worth the risk.”

“Yeah well I missed my shot Anya. She’s engaged.”

“Lex…”

“Yeah.”

“You love her more than anything right?”

“Of course I do.”

“And you can’t imagine your life without her? Right?”

“There’s no version of this world that’s ok when she’s not in it with me.” Lexa admitted to her sister. Why was it so damn easy for her to admit now? Had she admitted this just 4 months earlier, she wouldn’t be in this predicament.

“So there’s no way you can see yourself not being friends with her?”

“NO!” Lexa almost shouted. There’s no way she could ever not have Clarke in her life.

“So the way I see it; you have two options here, Lex.”

“I do?”

“Yeah. Option 1: You tell Clarke how you feel. You make her see what has been in front of her all this time. You win her over. There is still time for her to back out of this engagement. Now before you give me that look, it’s not the same as what Ontari did to you and Costia. You are not going to let anything happen between you two while she is still in a relationship with someone else, but what you can do is be honest with her. Show her that there is another option and hope to high hell that she realizes that it was never really an option between you and someone else, but that it’s just always been you.”

The thought of Clarke loving her back in the same way brought tears to her eyes. Then immediately the thought of Clarke knowing that she’s in love with her and still choosing Finn, that’s what drove those tears to roll down her cheek.

“What’s option 2?” Her voice was shakey, she was barely holding it together.

“Option 2” Anya drew a deep breath to steady herself. “Option 2 is you grieve a love lost. You cry about it, you work through t and you stay by her side… as just a friend.” Anya sighed as she saw something break inside her sister once more.

“Honestly, Lexa, option 2 would feel really shit. Best case scenario, you can get over her and move on with someone else, worst case scenario you’ll spend the rest of your life pining after someone who you can never have. Living the rest of your years keeping your love to yourself. It could break you. In my opinion, not saying anything might be the easiest thing to do right now, but I think it will make life in the long haul miserable for you. I think you should tell her what you feel.”

“What if I tell her and she still chooses Finn? What if I tell her and I lose her out of my life forever. I think I would rather hurt every single day for the rest of my life, seeing her with someone else, but at least still being a part of her life, than lose her forever.”

“I can’t tell you what to do, Lexi. Just promise me you’ll think about it ok?”

“I promise Ahn. I’m just scared.”

“I know you are kiddo. I know. Now, Rae made her famous tamales and I’m sure she’s done by now. Let’s get something in your stomach and then we can cuddle up and watch Suits?”

“Yeah that sounds good.”

Anya stretched and got out of bed, waiting for Lexa in the doorway.

“Hey Ahn?”

“Yeah Lex?”

“Clarke can’t know… about today. I mean she knows I’m here, but she can’t know.” There was fear in Lexa’s eyes. Anya understood. If Clarke were to find out how Lexa felt, it needed to be on her own terms.

“I’ll make sure Raven doesn’t say anything to her. I promise.”

Lexa just gave her a curt nod.

“I will however have to tell Raven about Finn. I know Clarke probably would have wanted to tell her herself, and I know you won’t understand why, but I can’t go back into that kitchen knowing what I know and not tell Raven that Finn will possibly be back in our lives.”

Lexa opened her mouth to speak before Anya cut her off. “Look, Lex. It’s not my story to tell, but back then…. Finn really messed Raven up. If Clarke tells her about Finn and she finds out I knew and didn’t warn her, she’ll kill me.”

“It’s ok Anya. I understand. Just, maybe… can you tell her what happened. Everything. Maybe just after I’ve fallen asleep again. I mean I know you guys share everything anyway. I just don’t have the energy to repeat the whole thing again.”

Anya looked at her sister, frowning at the pain she could see in her eyes. “Of course. I’ve got you. Now come on. Raven Woods is an understanding woman, but she’s probably worried sick about you and I think the least we can do is show your face to her and have you scarf down a meal she made special just for you ok?”

“Ok”


	3. Chapter 3

**4 and a half years ago**

**“Clarke, why don’t you just go over and tell her?” Raven turned to her friend Clarke has been spending the last hour sketching in fury in her apartment, something she used to always do when she was overthinking something. The blonde didn’t even look up at her friend, too engrossed in the sketch she was busy with, or more accurately, too engrossed in her inner turmoil about a certain brunette that entered into her life six months ago. It wasn’t until the tip of her pencil snapped that she looked up, letting out a frustrated sigh.**

**“You’re going to poke a hole in that sketchpad, Clarkey.” Raven flashed her an amused smile. “I’m serious though…”**

**“Serious about what?” Clarke looked towards her friend with confusing written all over her face. She had not been paying attention to a word her friend has said.**

**“Have you not been listening to me at all?”**

**“Err… I’m sorry Rae, you know how I get when I get sucked into a sketch” Clarke lied.**

**“Yeah, more like sucked into your own lovey dovey thoughts about a certain lawyer.” Raven huffed under her breath, as if trying to hide it from her friend, but clearly saying it loud enough for Clarke to hear, her ears perking up at that.**

**“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”**

**“Oh come on, Clarke! You know exactly what I’m talking about. You’re so in love with Lexa, it’s not even funny.”**

**“Rae… She doesn’t feel the same way. I can’t risk losing her.”**

**“What do you mean she doesn’t feel the same way?**

**“She- ugh her ex really messed her up. She has this whole love is weakness thing going on. She doesn’t allow anyone in, Rae”**

**“She allows you in though”**

**“It’s different. I’m her friend and that’s what she needs right now.”**

**“Clarke you can’t just pretend you don’t like her. Shoving those feelings down is not a good idea.”**

**“Rae. I can’t risk losing her. In the last 6 months alone she has become so important to me and I know that she’s not ready for that level of intimacy. Maybe one day I’ll tell her. Just not yet. I can’t risk it.”**

**“You’re hopeless.”**

**“Yeah I know… I’m hopeless.”**

2 months later, Clarke was curled up on Lexa’s couch next to her, snuggling into her side as they finished watching an episode of house hunters. It’s oddly domestic. They spent most nights like this, watching some random show on tv, sharing a bottle of wine and talking about the ins and outs of their days.

“They’re totally going to pick house number 2” Lexa mused, taking a sip of wine.

“No way, house number 2 only had 2 of their 5 requirements on the wish list. House number 3 was perfect.”

“Yeah, but that view though. She’s an artist like you Clarke. She wanted that view to inspire her. It’s literally the only thing on her list. If he really loves her, he would be willing to compromise on his ridiculous requirements to see that smile on her face when she walked out on that balcony.”

“You think so?”

“Of course!” Lexa reached over to the bowl of popcorn next to her, grabbing a fistful of popcorn before offering to her best friend.

“What if we had to get a home? What would our wish list be?”

“Why would we get a home?”

“Pshhh you now, one day when we’re both old and withered and we end up getting married just to legally be able to take over the other’s asset when one of us passes”

“I’m wounded, Griffin. I see what it is now. You’re only after me for my assets and all my money I’ll be making as a hot shot lawyer. Here I thought you were after me for my hot body.” Lexa smirked at her.

“Well I mean I’m definitely in it for that hot bod, as long as you still have those abs when you’re 63” Clarke shoved her best friend. No really let’s play this game. In some alternate universe where you’re head over heels in love with me and we go house hunting… what’s on our list?”

Lexa sat up straight, turning towards the blonde, seeing the smile in her eyes. “Well. It’ll need an office, so that I can work from home more so we can be around each other more.”

“Yeah? Go on?”

“The kitchen needs to be obscenely massive, so I can cook you lovely dinners and we can have all our friends and family over all the time. Your dad can teach me how to make his famous paella.”

“You do love dad’s paella. He’s been saying you need to come over more so he can teach you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Clarke knew how important her mother and father had become to Lexa. The Griffins accepted her into their family the first time they met a month into their friendship. Jake pulled the brunette into a hug, ignoring the face Clarke had pulled trying to indicate that Lexa didn’t love new people hugging her, but the brunette had melted into his embrace.

“Ok so big office, big kitchen. What else?”

“It would have to have a big yard. Somewhere the dogs could run around and play with the kids. I mean there would need to be enough space for two Scotties at least… you know like when you were younger?”

“You remember that? I think I’ve only ever told you about Benson once.” Clarke beamed at her.

“I listen Clarke. I always listen…” Something hung in the air between them. There was something in Lexa’s eyes that changed. They were swimming with emotion and Clarke wondered if her eyes reflected what was swimming in those of the brunette. Her heart rate started picking up. Lexa’s voice broke her out of her daze once more.

“Then, last but not least, we need a sunroom, overlooking a lake.”

“That’s kind of two tings Lex, not one.”

“No, it’s one. We need a house by the lake with a sunroom where you can paint. Every day could be like those weekends Jake would take you to the lake house. That’s when you felt most inspired to paint, wasn’t it? “

Clarke just nodded. Almost dumfounded that Lexa remembered all of this.

“You’d spend the days painting in the sunroom. Wearing one of my button ups that you stole, dubbing it your paint shirt. I’d join you with a cup of coffee, sending my morning watching you lose yourself and put everything you have onto that canvas. Yeah. I think that’s it. That’s perfection to me. Don’t you think?”

“Yeah. Perfect…” Clarke snuggled into her side, hiding her face from Lexa. If Lexa could see her eyes now, she would see the absolute love pouring out of her gaze. If she could feel what was going on inside her, she would feel the whirlwind of emotions. The way she tugged at her heartstrings.”

“More than perfect.” Lexa kissed the top of her head. She’s done this a million times before, but this felt different. The air was electric. Clarke could feel it and she was sure Lexa could feel it too. It was now or never. Clarke steadied herself, pulling away from her friend. Looking into her eyes, ready to jump off this cliff and fall. Ready to let Lexa catch her.

“Lex?” She was searching her eyes for some sign of imminent rejection, but she found none.

“Clarke….” Lexa let out a shaky breath and Clarke was close enough she could feel it. It felt as if her heart was about to leap out of her throat.

“I lo-“

The two jumped apart as Lexa’s obnoxiously loud, customized ringtone started playing, signalling that Anya was calling her. Lexa looked at the blonde with an apologetic look in her eyes, her chest still heaving from the intensity of the moment they were sharing.

“I’m sorry, Clarke. Hold that thought ok?”

“Hey Ahn, this better be important…”

There was a ragged sob over the line. “Lexa? Lex it’s Raven. Listen I need you to come down to the hospital. There was an accident and Anya… Fuck. Please just get here.”

Lexa was shaking. This couldn’t be happening. Clarke shot up from the couch seeing the sudden stiffness in her best friend. “Lex.” She drifted towards her, hovering a hand over her arm, not sure if she could handle the physical contact just yet.

Lexa turned to her, completely numb. Expressionless. “I need to go, Clarke. You can stay here as long as you want. Just lock up when you leave ok?”

“Lexa what’s going on?”

“Clarke, I don’t know. Anya’s at the hospital and I don’t have time to sit and ponder about what is going on. I need to get over there. Now.” There was some bite in her words and she regretted it the moment she said them. She could see Clarke shrink back into herself, but there were more important things right now. Raven was freaking out about an accident and somehow Anya was involved. This was serious. Clarke would understand.

“I get it. I’m sorry. Go. I’m here ok? Call me ok?”

“Yeah sure” And with that Lexa left.

The next couple of hours Lexa just experienced in flashes. First when she got to the hospital she was met with Raven who had a gash above her eye that has already been stitched up. Lexa could see it in her eyes. She was just as broken as she felt. Raven told her everything. How they were driving back home from their date, how the black SUV jumped the red light and rammed into them. How the car rolled down the street and how when she finally was able to crawl out through the shattered window, she saw Anya motionless on the other side of the road. She told her how the paramedics came and the ambulance that took them away. She told her about how nobody will give her any more information, because she’s not family. A nurse accompanied Lexa to her sister’s private ward an hour later. She just came out of surgery. She was stable, but she wasn’t responding. A coma, they had said. It could be a day or two, it could be months… years even.

Anya looked so broken. There were cuts all along her face and body. She was hooked up to so many machines, a breathing tube down her throat. She was so still. Peaceful almost, but Lexa just knew nothing of this would ever be peaceful. Lexa slumped down in the chair next to her sister’s bed, she sat by her bedside alongside Raven for hours before the nurse informed Raven that only family members were allowed to stay past visiting hours and she had already bent the rules by allowing her girlfriend to stay this long after visiting hours. She had brought Lexa a cot that she could sleep in next to her sister throughout the night if she wished to do so. As soon as Raven left, Lexa’s emotionless face cracked and the tears started flowing. There was only one person she could call right now so she took out her phone, reading a couple of messages left by the only person she could stand to talk to right now.

20:51 **Clarke**

Lex, I’m here if you need me ok.

20:57 **Clarke**

I’m staying here tonight, ok? I’ll be here when you get home.

22:31 **Clarke**

I’m really worried, Lex. It must be something serious. Please just let me know you’re safe and you’re ok.

22:52 **Clarke**

Lexa. Talk to me. I’m worried sick.

23:05 **Clarke**

I’m sorry Lexa. You’re overwhelmed and I’m not making anything better. I’m just so worried about you. Please let me know you’re ok. I don’t even know if you got to the hospital safely and you not responding to me isn’t helping this sick feeling I’m getting in my gut. Fuck, Lexa I can’t lose you. Please be ok. I love you. I love you so much. I’m here ok. I’m always here. I love you.

The tears kept flowing and she could barely see through them. She needed Clarke right now. She looked at the time, it was 23:15, maybe Clarke was still awake. The phone only rang once before Clarke picked up.

“Lexa?”

“Clarke-” Her voice cracked and a sob escaped. “Clarke Anya and Raven were in an accident. Raven is ok, she miraculously made it out with just a gnarly gash above her eye, but Anya… she… Fuck Clarke. Anya’s in a coma. She could have died. She could still die. Fuck Clarke what am I going to do without her?”

“Lexa, hey hey hey. Breathe for me ok. I’m here. Please just breathe for me.” Clarke waited until Lexa’s voice evened out slightly before continuing. “Lexa do you need me to come over?”

“Clarke you can’t it’s after visiting hours...”

“Lexa. My mother owns the hospital. She can bend the rules for me. Do you want me to come over?”

A few seconds passed before the most heart breaking whisper of “Please” was breathed over the phone.

“I’m on my way.” Lexa could hear the faint jingle of her keys as Clarke locked up the apartment with her spare keys and walked to the car. “Just stay on the line with me ok?”

Before Lexa knew it, Clarke popped her head into Anya’s ward. Lexa had given her the room number and Clarke had promised her that Jackson, her mother’s right-hand man, would sneak her in. As soon as Lexa saw her she jumped up out of her chair, staring at her like it was impossible that she was here. Clarke ran to her, enveloping her in a hug and Lexa felt herself break again. She sobbed into the blonde’s shoulder for what seemed like an eternity until she couldn’t stand anymore and her legs started giving out underneath her. Clarke grabbed her around the waist, stopping her from slumping to the ground and helped her to the cot, laying her down and climbing in behind her, wrapping her arms around the brunette feeling her entire body shake with tears.

“I’ve got you, Lex. You can cry. It’s ok.”

In between sobs Lexa was pleading with the blonde. “Clarke please don’t ever leave me. I can’t lose both of you. Please”

“I’m not going anywhere. Ever. Neither is Anya. She’s strong Lexa. You Woods sisters are indestructible. There’s absolutely nothing in this world that could take you two down. She’s a fighter Lex, just like you. She’s not going anywhere.”

“I can’t lose her. I can’t!” Lexa turned to face the blonde, pressing her forehead against hers. “Promise me I won’t lose her”

Clarke looked into those eyes she loved so much, breaking inside as she saw the tears spilling down her cheeks. Lexa shut her eyes and Clarke leaned in, leaving the softest kiss on her closed eyelids “You won’t lose her” moving over to the other eye – kiss “I promise” she moved to her forehead leaving a feather light kiss there “Mom’s not going to let anything happen to her ok. Anya’s in the best hands possible. Everything’s going to be ok”

Lexa opened her eyes, staring into azure, searching them for the faintest trace of a lie. After finding none she released a shaky breath. “Promise me I’ll never lose you. I can’t get through this without you. I can’t go through life without you. Seeing Anya like this just made me realize again that life is so short and anything could happen. Then flashes of you and Linc in Anya’s position started crossing my mind. The thought of you hooked up to those tubes like her. I can’t. My heart can’t” Lexa grabbed the blonde’s hand, pressing it over her heart so that she could feel the rapid beating of her broken heart in her chest.

Clarke drew a sharp breath at the contact, tears running down her cheek. “I promise. Hey no Look at me” she cupped the brunette’s jaw in a way that she’s done a million times before, forcing her to look at her. “I promise you. I’m here. We’re going to grow old together. We’ll be 63, married for te legal rights to each other’s assets, I’ll paint in our sunroom and you’ll be running your firm from our home office. Benson 2.0 will be cuddled up at your feet in the lounge at night time. I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

Lexa surged forward, closing the small distance between them brushing her lips to Clarke’s. It was a ghost of a kiss. Clarke’s lips burned where Lexa’s lips just were.

“I’m sorry” Lexa sprang back slightly “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have done that. I just needed to feel something. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Did I fuck this up? Fuck Clarke I’m sorry”

Clarke cupped her friend’s face looking deep into her eyes and shaking her head softly. “Don’t say sorry. Never say sorry. I get it ok. All of this… it’s overwhelming. I know you didn’t mean anything by it. We’re ok. I promise” She leaned in and kissed her forehead once more. If only she knew that the kiss meant everything. If only she knew that Lexa wasn’t freaking out because she couldn’t bare being with Clarke in that way, but rather because she was so scared one simple kiss was going to chase Clarke away forever. Lexa nuzzled into her neck, placing the softest kiss on the column of her throat “Thank you for understanding, Clarke” Clarke was on fire, but now was not the time to focus on her burning need for the brunette next to her or the way the softest brush of her lips against her throat, even though not intentional, made her squirm in need.

“I’m so tired, Clarke” it was barely a whisper, but Clarke could feel the words as they hit her throat.

“Close our eyes, Lex. You’re safe. Anya’s safe. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere alright?”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

“Clarke?”

“Yes Lex?”

“I love you so much. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being you. I don’t deserve you, I really don’t.

“No such thing Lex. You deserve the world and I’m lucky to know you. I love you too. So damn much. Now close your eyes, let’s get some sleep.”

It took three weeks. Three weeks of working from the cot next to her sister’s hospital bed, refusing to leave her side. Three weeks of Clarke bringing Lexa home cooked meals, because hospital meals even from the café downstairs were disgusting. Three weeks of Clarke falling asleep in a cot next to Lexa, holding her while she cried herself to sleep. Three weeks before Anya’s eyes fluttered open and she was asking for Lexa and Raven.

With Lexa and Raven’s help, the dirty blonde’s road to recovery was an easy one. Soon enough she was out of the hospital and Lexa slept in her own bed for the first time in almost a month. She slept alone for the first time in almost a month. If only Lexa knew that on the other side of their shared wall, Clarke was crying herself to sleep, missing having the brunette next to her.

The day after the accident, Lexa pretended as if nothing happened. Whenever Clarke tried to bring up the kiss, she would shut her down and move onto something else. She avoided it at all cost. The fear that Clarke was going to leave when she found out that she wanted to be more than friends was too much. Clarke stopped trying to mention the kiss, in fear that Lexa would shut her out and never let her back in again. The kiss was a mistake. The brunette was grief stricken and had a basic primal need for intimacy. It was nothing more than that. These are the lies Clarke and Lexa kept telling themselves until they both believed it. Until they both believed that there was never anything more than friendship between them. Until they both silently vowed that they would never do anything that could possibly jeopardize their friendship ever again.

**Present day**

Lexa’s eyes blinked open. She wasn’t in her room, there was an arm around her, but it wasn’t a stranger’s. Anya had fallen asleep next to her. She had stayed with her all night after dinner. Walking into the kitchen, she saw Raven spaced out by the counter. She knew she wasn’t the reason Raven was hurting, but she still couldn’t help but feel bad.

“Rae. I’m sorry. I know you and Finn had a past, but-“

“You have no idea, Lexa. Finn is a monster.”

“I’m sure you don’t mean that Rae…”

“Oh I do. I mean it. Clarke is not marrying that man if I have anything to do with it” With that Raven shot up out of her chair, stomping towards the bathroom. Moments later Lexa could hear the shower running. After feeling a faint buzz, she pulled the phone from her pocket.

08:32 **Clarke**

Hey so I’m well rested now. I miss you. Can we go for coffee? I want to catch up?

Without thinking, Lexa started typing furiously.

08:32 **Lexa**

I can’t sorry. Got an emergency call last night, I need to leave for Seattle tonight. Consulting on a high profile case. Going to be there for a week.

08:33 **Clarke**

Oh

08:33 **Clarke**

Lex are you mad at me? Is this about Finn?

08:33 **Lexa**

Not mad, like I said. Unforeseen emergency. Listen, Clarke. I told Raven... about Finn. She’s not happy.

08:34 **Clarke**

Shit. I was really hoping I could talk to her. Shit she must be pissed.

It’s ok though, I understand. I never told you to keep it a secret from them.

08:34 **Lexa**

I have to go Clarke. Have a good day today ok?

08:34 **Clarke**

Are we still on for the cabin this weekend? It’s a tradition.

Shit. Lexa forgot about the annual weekend away to the cabin by the lake. She had a week to get herself together. She couldn’t lose Clarke; she was going to have to get herself together.

08:35 **Lexa**

Wouldn’t miss it for the world.

08:35 **Clarke**

Great! I can’t wait. Good luck in Seattle. Love you!

_Read_

Lexa went back to the guestroom, finding it empty, the bed made and her clothes folded neatly on top of it. Getting dressed, and making sure to thank Anya for letting her stay the night, she went home. As soon as she got home and plopped down on the couch, she sent her personal assistant a quick text.

09:01 **Lexa Woods**

I need you to bring over the Jefferson casefiles. I’m going to be working remotely from home this week.

While you’re at it, bring me those contracts for the BnL/TKG Merger. I want to make sure everything is fine.

Drop them off by 10:00. Revert all calls to my home office and if anyone other than clients ask, I’m in Seattle on business. I’m not taking any personal calls this week.

09:02 **Lisa Brown**

Yes, of course. I’ll be there by 09:45 at the latest.

Miss Woods, do I still need to make preparations for the cabin this weekend?

09:02 **Lexa Woods**

Yes, thank you Lisa. See you soon.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is a lot shorter than the previous three, but I kind of needed it as a bit of a setup for the next one. It was going to be way too long if I didn't split it here. Hope you guys enjoy.

**Present day**

Clarke had expected Lexa to be upset. The brunette knew how heartbroken she was all those years ago and she has always been protective over her. She also knew that Raven was going to be upset, but she was really hoping she could be the one to break the news.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Raven spat across the table, giving Octavia a fright at the sharpness of her tone.

“Rae, please. It was years ago and it was a stupid drunken kiss at a party. He made a mistake. I’ve forgiven him, why can’t you?” Clarke pleaded with her friend.

Raven couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She was defending him. Yes, Clarke didn’t know the full story, and that was her own fault, but she doesn’t have to need the whole story. Couldn’t she see the pain etched in Raven’s face?

“Clarke, you can’t marry him. Please.” Raven was begging her friend. She needed to keep her out of harm’s way, but she couldn’t get herself to tell her what had happened.

“Rae, please. Finn’s going to be here in 2 weeks. I’m begging you, please for me can you find some way to move past this? Know you’re just trying to look out for me and I appreciate it. Really, I do. Just please, have my back in this. Don’t we all deserve a second chance?”

“Fuck second chances. I can’t listen to this anymore.” Raven shot up from the table. “I can’t support this, Clarke. Don’t bother sending us an invite to the wedding. Anya and I will never accept him!” A tear rolled down her cheek as she left.

Clarke turned towards the feisty brunette who remained seated at the table.

“Shit O, I knew she’d be upset, but I never expected this.”

Octavia leaned across the table, resting her hand over Clarke’s. “Clarke” She sighed “It’ll take time. You know Rae hated his guts after what he did to you. Just give her some space.”

“O, she said she won’t accept it. That sounds like more than just needing a little space.”

“Clarke, we both know how passionate Rae is and we both sure as hell know for how long she can hold a grudge.” Octavia cracked a smile at her friend, hoping that she would be able to see that all the Latina needed was a little bit of time. Of course, if Octavia had known the real story, she would not have been as supportive. She probably would have been ready to kill Finn herself.

“Maybe you’re right” Clarke sighed. She really hoped Octavia was right. She couldn’t stand the thought of losing Raven over this.

“So uhm… How… How did Lexa take it?” Octavia could barely look Clarke in the eyes. She knew the brunette was finally going to tell her how she felt and must probably be devastated.

“She wasn’t all too happy when she found out that it was Finn. She asked me if I was happy and I told her that I am. She said that all that mattered was that I’m happy.”

“Poor Lex” she breathed

“What?”

“Oh nothing… continue. What else did she say?”

“Yeah that’s kinda it. She had something she needed to help Anya out with at the house and wanted me to get rest after my flight, so we didn’t end up spending much more time together. I texted her this morning to ask her for a coffee, but she said she got some emergency call last night from work and she needs to go to Seattle tonight. I’m sure she’s just a bit busy getting everything ready to leave.”

The wheels in Octavia’s head started turning. She knew Lexa probably ran off the day before, too scared to confess her feelings and now she’s going away to Seattle for a week. There’s no emergency that could boss Lexa Woods around. She could have sent Echo or Nyko. Lexa hated traveling and Octavia was pretty damn sure that she jumped on the chance to travel in order to avoid Clarke. She needed to do something to get those two idiots together to talk. Lexa couldn’t just run out of her office to avoid Clarke.

“Oh, well that’s only tonight. Why don’t you go drop her off some lunch at work, I know how you get when you don’t get your Lexa fix for too long.” Octavia smirked. 

“Shit yeah” Clarke suddenly beamed back at her. “Yes I can take her lunch. I didn’t even think of that. O, you’re a genius!”

“Welp, Lincoln didn’t just marry me for my good looks!” She wiggled her eyebrows at Clarke, giggling when the blonde started laughing at her.

An hour later, Clarke was walking into Smith, Woods and Associates with two cups of coffee, a salad for the brunette and a bagel for herself. She’s been in this office more times than she could count. It was like muscle memory waking through the lobby, past reception (The receptionist didn’t even stop her, they all knew her by now.) Turning the corner to Lexa’s office, Clarke stopped in her tracks when she saw the door was closed. Her door was almost never closed. Lexa was definitely the literal open door policy type. She walked over to Lisa’s desk, happy to find Lexa’s assistant at her usual post.

“Hey, Lisa! It’s been a while!”

The auburn haired assistant smiled at her. Clarke was always so kind to her and she was extremely fond of her. “Miss Griffin! I haven’t seen you in ages.” Lisa jumped up from her seat and gave the blonde a one armed hug, careful not to spill her coffee. “Now I know I’m your favourite of Miss Woods’ employees, but the coffee really isn’t necessary” She teased the blonde before taking her seat once more.

“Oh these no, ha I’ll bring you some next time, promise. These are for me and Lexa. Is she in a meeting? Her door is closed”

“Oh Miss Griffin, she’s not in today, she won’t be in for the rest of the week, she’s in -“

“Seattle. Yes, she mentioned it, but I thought she was only needing to be there tonight. Has she already left?”

Lisa hated lying to the blonde, she was so fond of her after all, but Miss Woods instructions were clear. As far as anyone knew, she was out of town on business. She wasn’t going to risk taking a chance on telling the blonde in case her boss wanted to keep her out of the loop as well. She would text her after Clarke left to inform her of the exchange. If she wanted Clarke to know she was home, she’d surely let her know herself.

“As far as I know, Miss Griffin.”

“Well, looks like it’s your lucky day. I have an extra coffee and a salad. I know you and Lexa eat basically the same thing and I KNOW you are almost always too busy to eat during the day. Lexa’s always telling me about how you work too hard. You mind if I join you for lunch?”

“You’re too kind, Miss Griffin! Of course, sit down and tell me all about your trip to Paris. I want to hear ALL about it. Miss Woods could not stop talking about it. She’s so incredibly proud of you, you know.” Clarke blushed at this. She knew Lexa was proud of her, of course she did. She always made sure to tell her how proud she was of her art. She complimented her whenever she got a chance.

The rest of the week went painfully slow for Clarke. Whenever she tried calling the brunette, her phone went to voicemail. After asking Lisa to patch her through to Lexa in Seattle, the blonde felt crushed when Lisa told her that Lexa had given her strict instructions to not patch through any personal calls. She hated not being able to talk to her. It’s already been months of almost no communication with the brunette, work and messed up time zones always getting in the way. She craved her presence, even if it was just her voice. She could not wait for Frida to come. Their annual trip to the cabin by the lake was one of her favourite things in the world and she was in desperate need of some alone time with her best friend.

******

The brunette’s home office phone rang twice before she picked it up.

“Hello, this is Lexa Woods”

“Sup Sis, so you’re screening my calls now too?” Anya huffed on the other end of the line.

“Oh for fuck sakes, I told Lisa no personal calls.”

“Oh whatever, Lex. You know that woman is too afraid to ever say no to me. I have to say, she did take a while to crack under pressure, but I guess the Woods death stare really does come in handy from time to time.”

“Can I not just mourn in peace?” Lexa groaned. She had been moping around the apartment all week, throwing herself into her work and paying attention to nothing else.

“No”

“Anya!”

“No, Lexa. You haven’t lost her, you’re not mourning. Stop fucking wasting time. I told, you, you have two options and neither of them include ignoring her and cutting her out of your life. If you keep on pushing her away, you are going to lose her. Raven already isn’t talking to her. O says Abby is pissed and isn’t talking to her either. I’m not saying you need to go play hero and save her, but I do know that if everyone, including you, turns her away, she’ll only be able to turn to Finn.”

“Fuck.” It was barely a whisper.

“Yes, Fuck. He’s going to poison her mind more than he already has. Don’t allow her to feel like Finn is all she has.” Anya was pleading with her.

“Anya, I can’t just choose my happiness over hers. If she loves Finn-“

“You don’t fucking understand, Lex. It’s not my place to go into details, but Finn is not a good man. I don’t trust him and neither does Raven. He’s not good for her.”

“Anya, is there something I should know?”

“Just, Rae will talk about it if and when she’s ready. All you need to know is the guy is bad news.”

“So what do I do.”

“You go get your girl, Lex” and with that she hung up

Lexa knew she was right. It was now or never. She was going to win Clarke back, no matter what. She jumped in the shower for the first time in days, taking her time to wash and condition her hair. After drying off her hair with a towel and working some product through it, she flipped it over one shoulder to dry, getting dressed and making some calls to get everything arranged. Some hours later, her finger hovered over her phone’s screen.

“It’s now or never…”

_Send_

******

It was Thursday night when Clarke was sitting in front of her tv, watching an episode of Suits when she heard her phone buzz. She couldn’t quite explain why her heart skipped a beat when her favourite four letters flashed across the screen.

19:57 **Lexa**

So, are you packed yet?

Clarke couldn’t stop grinning at her phone as she typed out a reply.

19:57 **Clarke**

OMG Lex I thought I’d never hear from you again. I’m so excited for this weekend! I haven’t packed yet, I thought I’d do that tomorrow morning. What time are you going to be back in town?

19:57 **Lexa**

I just got back actually. I guess I’m also a bit too excited for this weekend to wait. How long do you think it will take you to pack?

19:58 **Clarke**

I mean maybe 10 minutes. The cabin is usually stocked so all I need is clothes.

19:58 **Lexa**

Good, I’m picking you up in 20 minutes, we’re going tonight. I’ve made arrangements and the cabin has been ready for a couple of hours already. I know how much you love sunrise on the lake, so if we can get there tonight, we can get up early tomorrow morning to watch it.

19:58 **Clarke**

Wait are you being for real now?

19:59 **Lexa**

The realest!

A second later the phone buzzed again, this time a picture attached to the text. Clarke’s breath hitched at the sight. It was a selfie of Lexa, getting into the car, buckling up to drive over. Her hair was loose, hanging in waves over one shoulder, she was wearing a deep grey beanie and Clarkes favourite green flannel that always made her eyes pop. She wasn’t wearing any makeup, but honestly the brunette never needed any. She was perfect in every single way. 

Clarke jumped off the couch and ran to her bedroom, grabbing clothes from her closet and throwing them into a duffle bag. As soon as she was done packing her phone buzzed once more.

20:19 **Lexa**

Get your butt down here, princess, we don’t have all night ;)

Locking up and sprinting downstairs, Clarke threw her duffle bag in the open boot, slamming it shut and jumping into the passenger side, practically squealing.

“Lex! Fuck I’ve missed you!” She pulled the brunette over the centre console enveloping her in a somewhat awkward hug, grinning into her shoulder as the brunette chuckled.

“Jeez, woman. Let me breathe!”

“Fuck you!” Clarke laughed, playfully shoving the brunette as she pulled back.

“Oh don’t you just wish you could?” There was a teasing glint in the brunette’s eyes, making Clarke’s breath hitch once more. A laugh escaped her lips to cover up the slip in her breathing.

“Yeah yeah yeah. I’ve been aching for you for years.” Clarke teased, hoping Lexa wouldn’t see the truth laced behind those words.

The drive to the cabin was everything Clarke could wish for. The two of them were laughing and singing along to an old Queen album, the music was almost deafening, but this is how they always played it on the way to the lake. As soon as they got to the cabin, Lexa carried their bags inside, flipping on the switch. Clarke headed straight for the kitchen to whip up some hot chocolate while Lexa started the fire. Clarke joined her on the couch, giving her a mug.

“I’m so glad we’re here, Lex” Clarke beamed at her.

“Me too, Clarke. Thanks” Lexa took the mug from Clarke, wrapping her hands around it, feeling the warmth spread through her fingers. “So Clarke, can we talk… About Finn”

“Nope. No. Nooope. This weekend is OUR time. Just you and me, nothing else in the world matters. You know that”

“Yes, but”

“No buts, Woods. Every year when we come here, we forget about everything in the world around us. It’s just you… and me.”

Lexa gulped. Just her and Clarke. No pesky Finn. Just the two of them. She could do this. The duo spent the next hour reliving memories from when they first met.

“I thought you were absolutely beautiful, you know. Way out of my league” Lexa mumbled into her mug.

“No way. Have you seen you? You were way too hot for me back then. Still are!” Clarke lightly shoved her friend.

“I don’t think so.”

“So why did you never take a shot then, if you thought I was so beautiful? You had girls falling for you left and right.”

“Well, first of all, you didn’t fall over your feet for me like all those girls did. That intrigued me. I wanted to get to know you. Then I got to know you and just wow. You crept into my dusty old heart so quickly and there was no way in hell I was going to risk it for a night of half decent sex” Lexa shot her a wink.

“Half decent? HALF?! I’ll have you know; I am at least three quarters decent.” Clarke winked back and Lexa felt a fluttering feeling at the pit of her stomach, almost choking on her sip of hot chocolate.

“I’m sure it’ll be more than that.” Lexa got up off the couch, trying to hide her yawn before speaking. “I’m beat, and if we’re going to be up for sunrise tomorrow, we’re going to need to get some sleep.”

Clarke stifled a yawn. “Yeah you’re right.” She got up off the couch and stretched before taking Lexa’s mug, their fingers brushing and sending a tingle through her body. After rinsing out their mugs and returning to the lounge where Lexa was standing she saw the brunette with her hands deep in her pockets.

“So uhm, you can take the master and I’ll take the guestroom?” Lexa was digging into the floor with the toe of her boot.

“Why would we do that? Lex, in the last three years we’ve been coming here we’ve always shared the master.”

“Yeah, huh that’s true” she scratched the back of her neck. Unable to look the blonde in the eye. If not for the beanie covering her ears, Clarke would see the tell-tale pink tips giving away her shyness.

“What’s going on with you, Lex?”

“Nothing. Nothing. You ready to go?”

“Yeah let’s go. I’m so damn tired.”

Lexa felt the bed dip behind her as the blonde slipped under the covers. She could feel bare legs tangling in between hers as Clarke pressed against her back. Clarke in sleep shorts were going to be the death of her. A breath tingled the back of her neck as the blonde mumbled into her.

“I’ve missed this. I’ve missed you.”

Lexa slid her hand down the arm that was draped over her, interlocking their fingers like she has a million times before and bringing her hand up to her lips, pressing a kiss on the blonde’s knuckles. “I’ve missed you too.” She cradled the hand against her chest, listening to the blonde’s breathing slowing down until she finally drifted off to sleep. Once she heard the tiniest snore she whispered once more.

“I love you, Clarke Griffin. I always have. Please. Please don’t let this be a mistake.” She brought the hand up to her face, brushing her lips over the knuckles once more. Clarke instinctively pressed closer into her back, snuggling into the brunette’s wavy hair.


	5. Chapter 5

**3 and a half years ago**

“Clarke?”

Nothing. She tried opening her mouth to speak, but all that came out of it was a shriek that she couldn’t even feel leaving her body, but based on the reaction in front of her, she knew it must have been her. She’s never made a sound like this before, but then again, she’s never had THIS happen to her before.

“Clarkey, what is it?” The concern in Octavia’s voice was evident. She had no idea what was going on. One moment they were all around the table, celebrating Bellamy’s safe return home and the next, after disappearing around the corner for a phone call, all the gang could hear was a loud sob. Octavia rushed out of her seat, followed by her husband and her brother. The blonde in front of them was slumped down to the ground, gripping her phone so hard that she thought she might just break it. Rocking back and forth and staring into nothingness, mumbling something in between sobs none of the three could understand.

“Clarke, honey. Look at me. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on” Octavia cupped her friends jaw, tipping her face to make sure the blonde was looking into her eyes.

“Lexa. I need Lexa. Please-“ she broke down sobbing and started yelling in a plea for her friend to do as she asked. “Lexa! Just, fuck I need Lexa! Please!”

Lexa arrived within 5 minutes of their phone call. The brunette lived about 15 minutes away, so Octavia knew she must have been driving like a maniac to get there.

“Where is she?” She didn’t even bother to greet her. Any other day Octavia would have been offended, but not today. She led her to her bedroom where Clarke was balled up on the bed, sobbing into a pillow. Bellamy was sitting beside her, softly stroking her hair, trying to soothe the blonde who has been like another sister to him for most of their lives.

Octavia looked at her brother, seeing the tears in his eyes. This was a man that never cried, but here he was, tears spilling down his cheeks seeing the pain in the blonde next to him. “Has she said anything yet?”

“No. She just keeps asking for Lexa.”

Lexa walked towards the bed, kneeling on the floor and reaching out to brush hair out from the blonde’s face.

“Lex?” Her voice was hoarse from all the crying and with that one syllable word, Lexa’s heart broke.

“I’m here, Clarke.” The blonde looked up at her, begging the brunette to come and lay down next to her. The bed dipped as Lexa got down next to her. She opened her arms, motioning for the blonde to come closer and without a thought, Clarke moved into her space, sobbing into her chest as Lexa rubbed soothing circles over her back and placed soft kisses on the crown of her head.

“I think we should go, come on Bell. Let’s give them some space.” Bellamy and Octavia left, shutting the door so that the two of them could be alone. After a while, Clarke finally spoke.

“Lexa. He’s gone”

“Who’s gone?”

“My... my dad.” A fresh wave of tears washed over her and Lexa could feel her own tears staining her skin. This couldn’t be true. She was on the phone with Jake this morning, discussing an upcoming fishing trip. Her own father never took her on trips like those and Jake always complained that Clarke and Abby hated fishing and he just wanted to have someone to go fishing with him. The two of them bonded over their weekend fishing trips and each time they returned, Lexa felt closer to the man who has taken her under his wing. Lexa was snapped from her thoughts when Clarke croaked out another sound. “Mom called, she could barely talk. Thelonious had to take over the phone. I didn’t want to believe him. I still don’t want to believe it. I can’t.”

“What… what happened?”

“Heart… Heart attack. How is this possible Lex? He’s healthy, he’s fit… was. He was healthy. This can’t be true.” Clarke pressed further into Lexa’s neck, staining her shirt with her tears. Lexa let her cry until she fell asleep. A couple of hours later, Lexa was driving the blonde home, sitting in silence as Clarke just stared out of the window. Octavia promised her that she’d drop off Clarke’s car the next morning.

“Lex?” It’s the first time the blonde spoke since she woke up, as Lexa was opening the door to Clarke’s apartment.

“Yeah?”

“Will you… will you go with me to the funeral. I don’t think I can do this alone.”

“Of course, Clarke. I wasn’t going to let you go alone anyway.”

“Will you stay with me tonight?”

“Of course” Lexa pulled the blonde into her, dropping another kiss on the top of her head.

A week later, they arrived at Clarke’s hometown. Lexa held her hand and stood by her side as family members and friends offered their condolences, giving her hand a squeeze every so often. The last week Clarke has been walking around like a zombie, barely talking, only when necessary. Now, here in front of her, Clarke was forced to communicate with every single person who came over telling her how sorry they were, how much they missed Jake, how they were there for her. Lexa knew Clarke was sick of hearing it. Nobody could ever understand what she was going through. Nobody could ever miss Jake the way she misses him.

The funeral was beautiful, if Lexa could even really say that. Of course it was heart breaking, but as far as funerals go, it was perfect, beautiful. It embodied everything good about Jake Griffin. There were so many words of how kind the man was and how he would be missed. Abby put together a slideshow of photos and Lexa started tearing up again when a photo of her and Jake on a fishing trip flashed across the screen, then later one of her, Clarke and Jake sitting by the Christmas tree opening presents. Jake had the biggest grin on his face as he showed off the ugly Christmas sweater Lexa had made him wear. Then another one of Jake, Abby and Clarke at Clarke’s graduation. You could see the absolute pride in Jake’s puffed out chest and his eyes brimming with tears of joy. Abby was grabbing onto Clarke and Clarke was beaming at the camera with her degree in hand. Then another flashed across the screen of Jake and Lexa, both of them grinning widely as they stood in front of her office building, pointing towards the signage that read “Smith, Woods and Associates”. Lexa remembers that day. Jake and Abby had come into town to celebrate with Lexa and Clarke after she made senior partner. Clarke squeezed her hand, knowing that Lexa loved her dad just as much as she did. Clarke had not cried once at the funeral, not really. There were one or two tears that rolled down her face, but other than that she was completely numb.

That night when they were back in the Griffin family home, after having dinner with Abby, the two best friends bid her goodnight and moved towards their bedroom on the other side of the house. Everything was mechanical. They stood side by side in the adjoining bathroom, brushing their teeth and washing their faces before bed. Lexa stepped back into the bedroom first. Stripping down he day’s clothes and slipping into an oversized shirt and sleep shorts. Clarke joined her in the room, just staring blankly in front of her.

“Come on Clarke, let’s get you dressed.” It’s been like this all week. Clarke held things together as much as she could throughout the day and by time she had to go to bed, she was so physcially and emotionally drained she could barely move. Lexa would help her strip out of her clothes and get into something comfortable to wear. Most nights it would be one of Lexa’s hoodies and a pair of shorts. Lexa made sure to never let her eyes linger. Clarke allowed herself to be vulnerable and she would not let her regret that.

Once Lexa stripped the blonde of her clothing, leaving her standing in just her underwear, she turned around, neatly folding the clothing to put on the desk. When she turned around again, Clarke was crashing into her, still only in her underwear. The contact made Lexa’s skin burn. She tried pulling away and Clarke just pulled her in closer, sobbing into her neck. It was the first time Clarke had cried since the night she found out about her father. Before Lexa knew what was happening, Clarke was leaving wet, tear stained kisses up the side of her throat, making her hiss at the contact.

It was as if something in Clarke just flipped. She was all over Lexa, kissing up her throat, her hands slipping underneath the oversized shirt, splaying her fingers over the tight abdominals she found there. Without warning, Clarke grabbed the hem of Lexa’s oversized shirt, pulling it over her head. Their eyes locked and Lexa heard a growl leave Clarke’s lips before she leaned in and kissed her. Clarke’s kisses were hungry, she needed more. Lexa knew this wasn’t right but she couldn’t stop herself. The blonde was pressing herself against her and begging for entry into her mouth so she allowed it. As soon as Clarke’s tongue met her own, she let out a moan that was swallowed by Clarke’s eager mouth. She felt cool hands on her burning skin, mapping out every inch of it as the duo moved backwards until the back of Lexa’s knees hit the bed and Clarke pushed her down. As soon as her back hit the mattress, Clarke was on top of her again, kissing her and slipping her leg between hers. It all felt like a haze to Lexa, almost like she wasn’t in her own body controlling her actions. She could feel the blonde eagerly grinding on her thigh, but it didn’t feel real. It didn’t feel right.

Lexa broke the kiss and pushed Clarke back, seeing the hurt in her eyes.

“Please, Lexa” Clarke begged, tears rolling down her face.

“No, Clarke. This isn’t you. You’re grieving.”

“Please Lexa, I need you. I just need to feel... something.”

“No.” Lexa whispered.

“Don’t you love me? Don’t you want me to feel again?” Clarke spat at her.

“No… ugh no that’s not what I mean. I do. I do love you, you know that. This just isn’t right. I’m not going to sleep with you, Clarke. You’re hurting. You’re desperate to feel something, but this… this isn’t right.”

A sob escaped Clarke’s lips and she slumped down on top of Lexa.

“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. I just wanted to feel something Everything’s been dark. He’s gone Lex. He’s gone. Fuck, please Lex I can’t lose you too. Please forgive me.”

“Hey it’s ok. I get it. It’s ok. I’m here. You can let it out Clarke. Don’t shut off again, please.”

The car ride back home was silent. Neither of them spoke of the night before. Lexa didn’t sleep at Clarke’s apartment again that night. It was weeks before they would share a bed again, but Clarke wasn’t going to risk anything again. Lexa had made it clear. She didn’t want her like that. _This isn’t right. This isn’t right. This isn’t right._ The words kept playing over and over in her head. 

After her dad passed away, Clarke stopped painting. She tried so many times, but she just couldn’t. Every time it ended in her throwing down her paint brushes and kicking over the easel. She needed to paint, the gallery was pressuring her, her friends were pressuring her, her mother was pressuring her. The only one to never push her, was Lexa. 6 months after her father passed away, Lexa found her in her studio, staring at a blank canvas.

“Hey” The brunette smiled at her. “You’re painting again?”

“Not really. I’m trying, but… It’s like every time I try to, all I keep hearing is the gallery asking me for more, O and Rae telling me I need to paint, mom telling me that I should paint my feelings. It’s too much you know. Everything and everyone. It’s too much – too much pressure.”

“I understand” Lexa nodded, an idea popping into her head. “How about... how about we go away this weekend? We can go to my cabin on the Lake. You always say how weekends at the Lakehouse is when you felt the most inspired and the freest. How about this weekend we go, just you and me and we forget about the rest of the world? No gallery, no Abby, no Raven and Octavia. We can bring your things and if you paint, you paint, if you don’t we just enjoy a weekend away shutting everything and everyone out. No pressure.”

“Really, we can do that?”

“Of course we can. Just let me make some calls and get the cabin ready.”

“You’re the best, Lexa Woods!” Clarke wrapped her arms around her, finally feeling like maybe just maybe things will be ok.

**Present day**

She blinked her eyes a couple of times, taking in her surroundings, revelling in the warm body pressed against her back before turning onto her back and allowing the blonde to snuggle into her chest. Lexa loved mornings like this. Looking back, she’s always loved mornings like this with the beautiful blonde. They just fit so well together. Not just on an emotional level, but physically too. The way their bodies melded together in their sleep was like the last two puzzle pieces fitting together perfectly to finish the picture. Lexa extracted herself from the blonde’s grip, chuckling as she groaned in her sleep at the loss of contact, and went towards the kitchen to start breakfast. This weekend she was planning on wooing Clarke and making her see what was right in front of both of their noses all these years.

The smell of bacon drew the blonde to the kitchen. She smiled at Lexa when she saw her stacking pancakes in a plate and setting it down next to a plate of bacon. This was Clarke’s favourite breakfast, as simple as it may be. Pancakes with bacon and maple syrup. Lexa grinned at her as the eager blonde snatched a strip of bacon from the plate and took a bite.

“You never could wait until everything was ready, could you?”

“Well I mean, everything IS ready. Pancakes. Bacon. Syrup. What more can a girl ask for?” The words were muffled as Clarke was talking while still chewing on the bacon.

“You know, talking with your mouth full is SUCH a turn on. You should do it more often!” Lexa winked and turned back to the boiling kettle, pouring both of them a cup of tea and completely missing the blush on Clarke’s face at her words.

“Hey we’re on a tight deadline here Woods. The faster we eat the better our chances of actually seeing the sunrise”

“Oh come now Clarke, we both know you can scarf down a meal in mere minutes and sunrise won’t start for another 30 minutes.” She turned around, placing a cup of tea in front of Clarke. “Now dig in, as soon as we’re done, we’re going down to the dock.”

“Sounds good to me” True to Lexa’s words, Clarke scarfed down her breakfast in record time and she was practically bouncing on her seat as she waited for Lexa to finish hers.

“In a rush?” Lexa cocked her eyebrow, sending the blonde a teasing look.

“Come on, Lex. We’re going to miss it!”

“You’re a child, you know that?”

“Yes, I do. Now come on let’s gooooooo!” Clarke dragged her by the arm as soon as she took her last bite. “I’ll clean up later when we come back”

Lexa threw her head back and laughed as she was dragged outside by the blonde, basically running down to the dock. Down to their spot. They watched the sun rising together, well Clarke was watching the sun and how it painted the sky, but Lexa was watching Clarke. She was watching the glow the sunrise has cast on her, the way it lit up her face to see the sky light up this way. Clarke loved watching sunrise over the lake. It was one of her favourite things to do.

“Hey you remember the first time you brought me here?”

“Of course. It was after...” Lexa couldn’t finish the sentence. It still hurt thinking of how he wasn’t here anymore.

“After dad…”

“Yeah.”

“It was the first time I actually completed a painting since he died you know.”

“Yeah, I remember. He would have been so proud, they were beautiful.”

“They were full of pain, but yeah… they were nice. I felt so free when we were here. I painted half a collection that weekend.”

“Hah yeah I remember! I didn’t have enough space in the car to bring everything back. We had to send Lisa up the following week to go and collect the rest.”

“When I was in Paris, the gallery told me that THAT collection was the one that got me on their radar. If it weren’t for you… If you didn’t bring me here. I don’t think I would ever have been able to feel free enough to paint again. I have you to thank for my career”

“No. You have you to thank for your career. You’re amazing, Clarke. It’s all you. You have this way to put whatever you’re feeling on that canvas and make others feel exactly what you were feeling. I mean when we met, I didn’t know much about art and then one day you took me to your showcase and I was just looking around. Everything was beautiful and I could just feel it. I felt the joy you had when you were painting it. I felt the excitement. Remember when I started crying looking at your last piece? I was just too overwhelmed to speak.”

Clarke nodded and smiled, thinking back at the memory. It felt like it was just yesterday.

“You asked me what I thought the painting was about and it was as if I understood art for the first time. Everything came pouring out of me. I told you about how it felt like love, true and genuine love that you only get once in a lifetime. I told you about how it felt as if it gripped my heart, filling up the cracks and making me whole again. I still don’t understand how I got all of that from an abstract painting. All you could do was nod and grin, so I must have hit the spot. You made me feel what you felt. You leave all of you on the canvas. It’s beautiful. It’s you. You have you to thank, not me.”

“I just never in my wildest dreams thought I’d be here. I just came back from Paris because of my art. Friggin Paris, Lex! And now I have galleries lining up to show my work. It’s just overwhelming. I can’t thank you enough for getting me back into it again.” Clarke leaned her head against Lexa’s shoulder, taking in the sunrise in front of them. This moment was perfect. Everything was perfect.

They kept on chatting until the sky was no longer pink and orange, but rather a bright blue. Lexa started slowly getting up, reaching out her hand to pull Clarke up.

“Ok so we have three days at the best place in the world and I can see that you’re just itching for a canvas. How about we head back to the cabin, I’ll wash the dishes and you can get started painting.” She led the blonde back towards the cabin, joining her again once she was done with the dishes. It was what they did. Clarke would paint and Lexa would lounge reading her new favourite book. She settled down on the couch with her copy of Dante’s Inferno, switching between reading and glancing over at Clarke while she was painting. Every now and again she’d catch Clarke glancing back at her and she’d just smile, feeling her warmth washing over her.

Once Clarke was satisfied with her painting, she joined Lexa on her couch, letting her swing her legs over her lap. They fell into a comfortable silence as Clarke drew patterns on Lexa’s calves with her finger while she read. The blonde was completely lost in thought when Lexa closed her book, bringing her out of her thoughts and back to her.

“So can I see it?”

“See what?”

“O come on Clarke, we both know how it goes. I ask to see your paintings, you refuse, I keep begging, you eventually let up and show it to me, I break down in tears at the absolute beauty…. Can we not just skip to the end?”

“I don’t like seeing you cry.” Clarke dug her thumb into the brunette’s calf.

“I know, but it’s never sadness with your paintings. It’s just overwhelming that’s all.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure, lay it on me.”

Clarke stood up and walked over to her easel, giving the canvas one last once over before turning it around for Lexa to see. The moment Lexa saw it; it was like everything around her stilled. She knew how vulnerable Clarke made herself every time she showed someone a piece of art. Even months later in galleries for hundreds of people to see, Clarke was always vulnerable. Lexa stood up, moving closer to the canvas to inspect it. It was filled with shades of green and blue in harmony. The strokes were broad and soft, parallel to each other, then crossing and building until it came crashing down, the blue and green mixing together.

“It’s us… isn’t it?” Lexa whispered

“Yeah…” Clarke blushed. How had Lexa gotten so good at reading her paintings? “When we started we were always together, but there was still some space between us. It was good, but it wasn’t enough… then” she started pointing to where the strokes started crossing “Then everything in our lives just started becoming intertwined. We still had our own paths, but you were always there for me and I was always there for you…” Her hand moved towards the corner where the colours started mixing together. “…and now… we’re inseparable. There is no you without me. There is no me without you. Where you go, I go. Always together…”

Clarke turned to Lexa, seeing the single tear roll down her cheek. She wiped it away with her thumb, cupping her jaw. Lexa leaned into the touch. This was her Clarke. How could she have been so foolish to deny herself these feelings for so long.

“See, tears. Every time.” Lexa giggled “Do you think maybe… Do you think maybe I can get this one? For my office? I want to see it every day I step into work. It’ll be like having a piece of you with me… hat always calms me.”

“Of course. I’ll wrap it and we can take it back on Sunday.” Clarke pulled her into a hug.

Before they knew it, the weekend was over. Clarke looked back over the weekend as she put her bag into the car. It was everything she needed. They watched the sun rise every morning and sat lakeside watching it set each night. They lounged around and talked about life and everything it has to offer. She didn’t know if she was just imagining it, but every time Lexa would give her something and their fingers would brush, it was like she lingered longer, her touches were softer. Their late night cuddles on the couch was warmer. Waking up next to her each morning was heaven. Being away from her for three months really did mess with her mind. Having her back now, being close again, having her in her arms again after being apart for so long brought up so many memories.

When they finally arrived home, Lexa hung in her doorway, not willing to leave just yet.

“This weekend was perfect, Clarke”

“Yeah, it really was… wasn’t it?” She smiled back at her, feeling warm inside in that way she always did when Lexa was near her.

“Listen, Clarke, I know we said we won’t talk about it, but were back home now. Can we please…” Lexa sat down next to Clarke, taking her hands in her own, trying to ground herself. “Please I’ve been wanting to talk to you about this all weekend.” Lexa took a deep breath, preparing herself for the inevitable. It was now or never.

“Of course, Lex.”

“This weekend was perfect right? Forgetting the rest of the world, just being you and me?”

“Yeah it was perfect. It always is.” She gave her a warm smile, squeezing her hands, urging her to continue.

“Clarke, ok I’m just going to come out with it. So just, please let me speak. I need to get this off my chest.”

“Ok…”

“Clarke, I want to give you this weekend every single day for the rest of our lives. I know it won’t always be perfect, but it will be us. You said it yourself, there is no me without you and there is no you without me. We BELONG together. I know it’s taken me some time to get here, but I really hope I’m not too late. Clarke, I love you and I can’t imagine living my life without you. Those girls, they were never you. It started when Costia fucked me up, and then when you came along, my heart started healing. These last three months when you were gone, I was lost Clarke. I was completely lost without you. Please, don’t marry Finn. Choose me. Let me be your future. I know I’ve taken forever to get her, but please, pick me.”

Clarke was shocked to say the least. There were so many moments over the years where she thought that maybe, just maybe, she and Lexa would end up together. Her mouth opened and closed, as if trying to find the words to say.

“I love you, Clarke. I have always loved you. It might have taken me five years to accept it, but that love has always been there.”

“Lexa, I don’t know what to say.” She stammered “After all these years? What about Finn. I made a promise to him when I said yes. I can’t just leave him. Lexa I love you, you know that, but… you’re too late. I’m sorry.”

“No no no no. I can’t be too late.” The tears started flooding down her cheeks. This was not how it was supposed to go. ‘Why are you doing this Clarke?”

“Why am I doing this? Lexa, You’ve had 5 fucking years. If you really loved me, why have you never told me this before. Now that there’s someone else in the picture, now all of a sudden you love me? You don’t love me, Lexa. You’re just lonely. I can’t be the one holding your hand forever while you go around fucking anything with legs to try and fix the heart that Costia broke. You can’t just fucking come here and pretend that you love me, just so I wouldn’t marry Finn. Tell me, Lex. What would happen once I broke it off with him? How do I know that you wouldn’t just continue on like you have over the years?”

“Because this is ME, Clarke!” Lexa was yelling through her tears. “Because you know ME!”

“Yes! I know you! I know the girl who has made it clear for YEARS that love. Is. Weakness.” Clarke spat. She knew what she was saying hurt her friend, but all of this was so sudden and she just didn’t know what to believe anymore. “Why would I ever believe that you would go back on something you have been living by forever?”

Lexa was shaking her head, letting her tears fall in the space between them. “This right here, is why I never told you. I knew that you could never really love me back. I was such a fucking fool. I should have never listened to them!” Lexa jumped up from the couch, heading to the door when she heard Clarke’s question.

“Them?” her hands were shaking.

“Octavia, Lincoln, Anya…. Eventually Raven. They all told me that you would love me too. They all told me that I shouldn’t be scared. They all said that you would never break my heart. I guess they were wrong.” Lexa slammed the door shut behind her, leaving Clarke alone in her apartment.

As soon as the brunette left her alone, Clarke broke down in sobs. She had no idea what had come over her and why she lashed out at Lexa like that. This was what she had always wanted. This was what she had hoped for over the last 5 years. Why couldn’t she just accept that it was real. Maybe it just felt too good to be true. Lexa was right though, there is no Clarke without Lexa and there is no Lexa without Clarke. After an hour of trying to get her head straight, Clarke finally reached for her phone.

“Fuck. I need to fix this.”

15:32 **Clarke**

Lex, can we talk? Please.

_Read_

15:41 **Clarke**

Lexa, Please. I can see you read my message. Please just talk to me.

_Read_

15:52 **Clarke**

Please Lexa, pick up your phone, we need to talk. We need to fix this. I can’t lose you.

She watched as three little dots appeared, disappeared and reappeared until finally disappeared again and then moments later Lexa’s caller id flashing across her screen. It barely rang once before Clarke answered.

“Lex”

“No. It’s Anya. Clarke, you fucked up. Big time. Do you have any idea how much it took for her to finally tell you?!” Anya was shouting down the other end of the line.

“Anya, please let me talk to her.”

“She’s packing, Clarke. She’s fucking leaving and it’s all thanks to you.” Anya growled.

“Leaving?! What the fuck do you mean she’s leaving?!”

“Look, I don’t know where she’s going or for how long, but she needs time and you need to stop texting her. Let her reach out to you. Don’t fuck her up more than she already is.”

The phone call ended and Clarke fell to her knees. Had she really just lost Lexa? What if they can’t fix this? What if Lexa never reaches out to her?

16:15 **Clarke**

Please, don’t shut me out. I love you. I’ll be here when you’re ready to talk. Just please, I can’t lose you.

_Read_


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this update took a bit longer than the rest. I'm heading into exams in the next week, so I've been prepping like crazy. Hope you guys enjoy this one. Sending out lots of love, stay safe out there, everyone!

**Present day**

It’s been a full week of radio silence. If Clarke thought being apart from the brunette for three months when they were on good terms was horrible, she was definitely not prepared for the absolute agony she’s experienced in the last 7 days having absolutely no contact with the girl she loved who she was sure must be hating her right now. The last week took everything out of Clarke. She hated knowing that Lexa was avoiding her. What she hated more than being ignored was knowing that she was the one who caused the brunette enough pain to want to avoid her.

Finn was going to land in less than 12 hours and she honestly did not know how to face him. She was more sure than ever that she loved Lexa, but she knew that she might just have screwed things up beyond repair. Clarke huffed at the memory. She all but called Lexa a whore. There’s no way to come back from that. How do you say that to someone one day and then convince them the next day that you love them? Her train of thought was interrupted when her phone started ringing. It was Octavia, she’s been trying to get a hold of the blonde all week with no luck, Clarke just kept screening her calls. She wasn’t ready to talk about how royally she fucked things up. A moment later the phone stopped ringing and Clarke turned her attention back to the sketchpad in front of her, twirling the pencil in between her fingers. Nothing. It was blank. She’s been sitting here for hours and she couldn’t even muster a single line. Just as she was about to connect the pencil to the pad, Clarke could hear a rustle at her front door, looking up the moment the door flew open, seeing her fiery friend burst through in anger.

“Screening my calls for a fucking week, Clarke?! What are you, twelve?!” Octavia didn’t even try to be civil as she slammed the door shut behind her after opening it with her emergency spare key. She was absolutely pissed, not just because her best friend had been avoiding her all week like a child, but also because of how she had hurt Lexa. Clarke may have been her best friend for longer, but she has grown extremely close to Lexa over the last few years and as soon as Raven told her what Clarke had said, she was blown away. Friend or not, what Clarke had said was unacceptable and she expected better from her.

“O, I’ve just been bu-“

“No! Don’t try pull that shit with me. You haven’t been busy, you’ve been hiding. What the fuck, Clarke?!” Clarke could barely look her friend in the eyes as she stomped over towards her.

“O, I fucked up. Big time.” She still couldn’t get herself to meet the brunette’s eyes. Staring a hole into the floor she sniffed as a fresh tear rolled down her cheek. In all honesty, after the amount of crying she had been doing this week, she had no idea she could even still do that.

For the first time since entering, Octavia wasn’t shouting. She saw the tear, of course she did. Her eyes were trained on her friend’s face since the moment she entered.

“Yeah… You did, Clarke. There is no denying that” she huffed, dragging her hand through her hair, pushing it away from her face before taking a seat next to her best friend, taking a deep breath to prepare herself for what’s next. “You broke her heart, Clarke.”

Finally, Clarke looked up at her friend. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy, her hair was a mess and her clothes looked like they have been worn for a couple of days straight - which knowing Clarke when she was at her worst, was probably not far off.

“I know, O. I don’t know what came over me.”

“Clarke, why did you say those things?”

“I don’t know, O. I didn’t mean it, not at all. I’ve been running through it all over and over again the whole week. I think…” She shook her head, interrupting herself before reaching over to the box of tissues beside her “It doesn’t matter what I think. It was unacceptable… and the fact that I meant none of it doesn’t count for jack shit.”

“Clarke, you need to fix this.”

“I know; I know”

“No, Clarke. You don’t know. You need to figure out what is going on with you and you need to figure out a plan. You are not going to sit back and wait for her to come crawling back to you. She’s put herself out there, she’s risked it all. She’s not coming back unless you show her you are worth coming back for. You need to make this right.”

“I don’t know if I am worth coming back for though.”

“Clarke- ”

“No, I’m serious, O. I told the love of my life she’s a whore.”

“The love of your life?”

Clarke blushed. She didn’t even realize the slip. “Yeah, not that it matters. I’ve messed things up so badly. There’s no way I can come back from that.”

“Clarke I just don’t understand. It’s not like she could just become the love of your life overnight. If you’ve really felt this strongly about her, why did you say yes to Finn? Why did you never tell her?”

“It’s complicated, O. I think I’ve always loved her… No… I know I have. Fuck it feels so good to finally say that out loud, I just wish it were under better circumstances. It feels so good to say it, but it hurts so much. Shit it hurts.” Clarke was grabbing at her chest, trying to soothe the way it felt like it might collapse at any moment. “I’ve always loved her, O. Always.”

“Then why did you-“

“Because I’m a fucking idiot, O! There were so many times I could have told her; I was just so scared. I wanted to tell her so many times you know. I was going to tell her that night Rae and Anya had their accident. Then for months until Anya was better, I just tried being there for her and shoved my feelings aside. I thought I was ready to tell her and then my dad… I couldn’t feel anything for the longest time. Then there was that thing with Luna. I mean Lex had never gone out with a girl more than once and then she started seeing Luna. They were perfect together, but then Lex just up and left her one day. When I asked her about it, she told me that love just wasn’t for her and it was like my heart sank into my gut.-“

“Wait, wha-“

“O, She always says that love is weakness and love isn’t for her. I just didn’t think that she could ever love me back, not in that way. I was too scared that telling her how I feel would scare her off. I just always thought I would rather have her in my life as a friend and hurt not being able to love her the way I wanted to, than admitting my feelings and having my heart ripped out when she ran.”

“Clarke-“

“I know, I know. I couldn’t possibly know that would be her reaction, but then Paris happened. I bumped into Finn at the gallery. I mean what are the chances of us meeting again in Paris? He doesn’t even live there, the firm just sent him up to scout some new artists and then we bumped into each other. I was missing Lexa so much and then he was just there. It kind of felt like fate. Like we just weren’t ready to be together the first time, but we’ve both grown so much and finally we were ready. When he asked me, I didn’t say yes immediately. The first thing I could think about was Lexa. I think some part of me just felt like I would never have her, so I don’t know… Finn would do. I realize now that he was just a distraction, a way to try and let go of my hopes of ever being with her… marrying her… starting a family with her. Lexa would never be mine, but here was Finn, the guy I’ve actually had the marriage talk with years ago and it was fate and he thought so too then he asked and I … I settled, O.”

“Ok firstly, settling is never a good idea when it comes to choosing a life partner Clarke. Even if you didn’t end up with Finn, you can’t just marry someone out of convenience. If someone else is the first thing you think of when someone else asks you to marry them, that’s a pretty clear red flag.”

“Yes well apparently I’m emotionally color blind.”

“Secondly, Clarke. What did you say about Luna?”

“Uhm, that she and Lex were perfect together?”

“No, the part about why Lexa broke it off with her?”

Clarke blinked at the question, not entirely sure what Octavia was trying to get from this.

“Lex told me that love wasn’t her thing and Luna wanted something she could never give her.”

“Is that what she told you? That is NOT what happened.”

“O, that’s what she told –“

“Clarke, that is not what happened. Linc and I were there. We were at the bar and Luna got into a fight with Lexa. She was shouting at her, telling her that all she cares about is you and how if she didn’t know any better, Lexa was in love with you. Lexa didn’t answer her and she just kept shouting. Lexa finally snapped when Luna told her that it was either you or her, Lexa had to choose.”

Clarke’s eyes widened at that. No it couldn’t be true. Lexa said that love wasn’t her thing. She said she couldn’t give Luna what she wanted…. Because love wasn’t her thing… right?

“Clarke…” Octavia reached over, placing her hand on top of Clarke’s “She chose you, Clarke. Right there in front of everyone at the bar. Without a second thought. She. Chose. You. It was like it was the easiest decision she has ever made in her life. She chose you.”

“Then why didn’t she tell me that, Clarke?”

“I don’t know, Clarke. You’re going to have to ask her that.”

“If she’ll ever talk to me again.”

“I’m sure she will, Clarkey. Just don’t mess it up when she does talk to you.”

“I’m going to try my best, O.”

“Listen I need to head back home. Linc and I have a late lunch with his parents in a couple of hours and I need to get ready and make sure the big lump hasn’t burnt down our kitchen yet.”

Clarke rolled her eyes at that. If anyone was going to burn down the kitchen, it would be Octavia. Lincoln was an excellent cook and Octavia just couldn’t care less about cooking. Something about hating the notion that a woman’s place should be in the kitchen. Never mind the fact that it’s a basic skill every human being should know if they want to feed themselves and you know… keep on living.

“Whatever, we both know he would never burn the kitchen down. That has Octavia written all over it.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Maybe I just want to sneak in a quickie before the rentals get there.” Octavia threw her friend a wink, almost falling off the couch as Clarke shoved her, finally allowing herself to laugh for the first time in a week.

“Ok, horndog. Get out of here!”

Octavia got up and walked towards the door, opening it up and standing in the doorway, staring at Clarke for a moment, her facial expression completely softened. “You’re going to get through this, Clarke.”

“Thanks, O” Whether Clarke believed it or not, she really did appreciate it. “I love you, O. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“I love you too, Griffin.” She gave her a soft smile “You know, I think you and Rae need to make up too. She misses you.”

“I will. I promise.”

With that Octavia gave her last goodbye, clicking the door shut behind her. Clarke turned to her phone, picking it up and opening her text thread with Raven.

09:47 **Clarke**

Hey Rae, Can we talk [DELETE]

Raven, you were right. I don’t think [DELETE]

I’m a dick [DELET]

I know you don’t want to talk to me right now, but I really need to talk to you [DELETE]

Clarke groaned, throwing her phone on the other side of the couch. A text wasn’t going to fix this. Raven was just going to ignore it in the exact same way she had been avoiding Octavia all week. No, this wasn’t something that needed to be done over text. She grabbed her car keys and headed towards the door, not even caring about changing into some clean clothes or even dragging a brush through her hair.

The drive to Anya and Raven’s house was somewhat of a haze. It was just one of those drives where by the time you get to your destination you’re wondering how you even made it there safely, because you can’t remember much of the drive anyway. It was like she was on autopilot, her mind too focused on what she was going to say to Raven to be bothered about storing memories of the drive over on a road she’s been driving for years. She was on autopilot the drive over… the walk from the car to the door… even the knock. It was only when the door whipped open that she went back into manual, taking in the dirty blonde in front of her, giving her the death stare to end all death stares. She swallowed the lump that formed in her throat.

“Hi Anya…”

“Well you look like shit” Anya scoffed. She didn’t have time for this.

“I feel like it.”

“Good, serves you right.”

“Listen Anya, could we not. I really didn’t come here to stand here and be criticized by you.”

“She’s not here, Clarke. I told you to give her some space.”

“I’m not… I’m not here for Lexa. I needed to talk to Raven. Please. It’s important.”

It felt like an eternity before Anya stepped aside, pulling the door open wider, motioning with her head for Clarke to come inside. Anya knew better than to speak for her wife. If Raven wanted her to leave, she would tell Clarke so herself, but all hell would break loose if the Latina found out that Anya refused to let Clarke in, without consulting her first. As mad as she was at Clarke right now, she was not willing to face her wife’s wrath this early in the morning.

“She’s in the basement working on some type of contraption. Enter at your own risk. I wouldn’t be surprised if she wants to make you go boom. You know how she is.”

“Yeah I know. I’ll risk it.” Clarke gave her a tight lipped smile, moving past her and towards the basement. Anya returned to the lounge, far enough to give the two friends space, but close enough to run over and kick Clarke out if things got heated. Clarke walked down the stairs to the basement that was converted in a personal workshop of some sorts. Raven’s heavy metal music was blasting over the speaker and her back was turned to the stairs, to engrossed in her little project and too drowned out by the music to hear the blonde come downstairs or to hear her call out her name three times. Clarke hit pause on the music player to try and get the brunette’s attention.

“Babe, I told you not to mess with my music when I’m in the zone” Raven turned around to be faced with a face that definitely did not belong to her wife. She could barely say this face belonged to Clarke, she can’t remember the last time she’s seen the blonde in such bad shape.

“Well you look like shit.”

“I’ve hear. You and Anya are both full of compliments today” Clarke tried to joke, but seeing the annoyance in Raven’s face, she knew she missed the target by a mile.

“I’m not going to tell you where Lexa is.”

“I’m not… Wait you know where she is?

“Yes, and I’m not telling you. She made us promise.”

“Rae, I’m not here for her.”

“Listen, Clarke. If you’re here trying to convince me to come to the wedding forget about it. Even if there was any chance of me setting foot in a room with Finn ever again, you shot everything to shit with Lexa and now my wife can’t stand to be in a room with either you or Finn. You’re wasting your time.”

“I’m not here to ask you to come to the wedding.”

“Good.”

Clarke moved closer to her friend, placing her hand on her arm, trying to get her to look up at her. When Raven finally met her eyes, she tried once more to make it clear.

“Raven. I’m not asking you to come to the wedding, because there isn’t going to be a wedding.”

Raven’s brows shot up in surprise. “What do you mean there’s not going to be a wedding?”

“I’m leaving him, Rae. I know I’ve fucked things up way beyond repair with Lexa, but… I can’t marry him just out of convenience. That’s what it always was. I thought it was more, I convinced myself it was more, but it never was. It was always just because I never thought she’d be with me. I can’t do that anymore though. I can’t pretend things with Finn are good enough anymore.”

“Clarke… Lexa’s not just going to run back to you because you broke up with Finn.”

“I know” Clarke shrugged. “I just. I know what love is. Real, genuine, life altering, earth shattering, comforting, all-encompassing love. I have that with Lexa. I can’t go another day pretending that anything less than that is good enough.”

“I’m not saying don’t break up with Finn, because please dear lord, break up with Finn… he’s not a good guy.” Raven paused for a moment, memories washing over her before she could get herself to continue. “Just…what if you don’t find a love like that anywhere. Are you planning on staying single forever?”

“I can’t see myself with anyone but her, Rae – not if I’m being completely honest with myself. If I can’t be with her, I think it would have to be someone pretty damn special to fill that void and Finn… he isn’t it.”

“Thank god. I just don’t want you to ever turn back to him to try and fill that void.” Raven pulled her best friend closer. “I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you too, Rae. More than I’ll ever be able to say.” Clarke pulled from the hug, looking at her friend once more. “Rae.. why do you hate him so much?”

“Clarke he’s just not a good guy.” Raven tried to be firm, but her voice started shaking at the end of her sentence. It made something in Clarke jump at the sudden fear she saw flash in her friend’s eyes.

“Should… Should I be scared of him?” Clarke bit her lip, thinking about how she was going to have to face him in mere hours and how she’s going to have to break up with him. The unease in her friend is definitely not helping her racing mind.

“Clarke –” Raven barely choked out her name, a sob escaping her lips.

“You don’t have to tell me, Rae. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have asked.”

“No, no it’s ok. It’s just, fuck it’s difficult to talk about it.” The churning in Clarke’s stomach increased as she saw the dark, far-off look in her friend’s eyes. Leading them to one of the couches Raven has downstairs, she tried to push the horrible scenarios of the sweet boy she met in high school from her mind, not willing to jump to conclusions until Raven actually said anything.

“I’m here Rae. We can talk about it; we can NOT talk about it. Whatever you need. I’m leaving him either way, so even if we don’t talk about it, he’s out of the picture ok. Please don’t feel pressured to talk about it if you don’t want to. Ok?” Clarke locked eyes with Raven, trying to make sure she sees the sincerity in her words.

“No, I need to talk about it.” Raven took a deep steadying breath. “So you remember that night that Finn kissed me at the party?”

“Yeah I remember.” Clarke was rubbing soothing circles on the back of the brunette’s hand, grounding her a bit more.

“It wasn’t just a kiss. He… It was more… uhm...” another sob escaped her lips and both Clarke and Raven felt as if their lungs might just collapse from the icy grip on them. “I was drunk and he was drunk and I swear Clarke, I didn’t ask for it!”

Clarke’s eyes were brimming with unshed tears. She’s heard stories like this before. It’s always felt like something that was happening to other people, but never to her, never her friends, never her family. It was something you heard of, but just never expected to happen to you or someone you loved. She wanted to say something like _Of course you didn’t ask for it_ or _Rae, don’t even think I would ever blame you for it_ or just ANYTHING, but she couldn’t get the words out. Instead, she just gave Raven’s hand another reassuring squeeze, letting her know that it’s ok and she’s there.

“He pushed me on the bed and he started taking off my pants. I tried pushing him off, but fuck I was just so drunk it was like my body just didn’t want to work with my mind. I tried pushing him off Clarke, I really did.” She broke down, leaning into Clarke’s open arms to sob into her neck while the blonde just stroked her back and tried to soothe her.

“I know Rae, I know. Shhhh it’s ok.” Kissing the crown of her head, trying to soothe her friend, Clarke started again. “Rae, I’m so sorry.”

“He… he didn’t … Clarke. We were… he was interrupted. Some guy came bursting into the room, I think he was lost. He saw Finn on top of me and he just kinda pulled him off of me and punched him in the face. Finn went running and I just... laid there. I wasn’t able to move. The guy, he asked me if he should call the cops and I said no. He helped me get dressed and he drove me home.”

“It doesn’t matter that he didn’t… he was going to… and – fuck” Clarke broke down in tears. How could she have been so blind. Raven had told her the following morning what had happened and then she was skittish for weeks. She never went out with them and she just assumed that Raven was avoiding her because she felt bad about the kiss (which Clarke thought was ridiculous anyway, because she never for a second blamed her for the kiss).

“Is that why you avoided us for weeks after that night?”

“Yeah. I had bruises on my arms and legs and I just felt ugly and filthy and violated. I went to therapy for a while and got the courage to finally go out again. Therapy helped a lot you know? Like I know it wasn’t my fault… that I wasn’t asking for it. Still, sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I wasn’t drunk that night, you know?” She pulled away as her tears started welling up once more, turning her face away unable to look at the blonde.

“Raven, look at me.” Clarke cupped her jaw softly, turning her to face her and look her in the eyes. “He is the bastard in this, not you. Don’t you dare ever blame yourself for that ok. Fuck I’m just so glad that guy saved you.”

“Me too. Shit Clarke I’ve hear so many stories where girls just weren’t as lucky or where people would see it going down and just walk away. I’m so grateful to him.”

“I wish you told me sooner Rae, but I understand that you didn’t though. Thank you for telling me now.”

“I should have told you earlier, especially when Finn came back into the picture. I mean, what if he-“

“Rae, no. Don’t put that on your shoulders. You only ever tell anyone when YOU are ready to talk about it, do you hear me?”

Raven just sniffed and gave the blonde a faint nod.

“Besides, you did warn me about him. I shouldn’t have had to hear this to believe you when you said he was bad news. I should have just trusted you, Rae. I’m so sorry. Do you think you’ll ever be able to forgive me?”

“I don’t thionk I was ever really mad at you. I think this whole thing just brought everything to the surface and I couldn’t face you. You didn’t know. How could I be mad?”

“Yeah, but I should have listened to you.”

“Ok, yeah. You definitely should have.” The brunette nudged Clarke, flashing her a small smile. “Ok enough tears for one day. You know I hate how puffy my eyes get when I’m crying. I really don’t want to end up looking like you”

“Fuck you” Clarke laughed. Raven knew there was no bite behind her words. “So… are we ok?”

“Yeah, I think we are.”

“I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too, C”

Hours later, Anya found the two best friends cuddled up on the couch in the basement, a light snore escaping her wife. She’s still pissed at Clarke for what she did to Lexa, but she couldn’t help the tug at the corners of her lips and the softening of her eyes seeing her wife being reunited with her best friend. It’s been eating Raven up not being able to talk to Clarke and not being able to tell her about Finn. This was the most rested Raven had looked in days, leaning on her best friend, her chest rising and falling softly with each passing breath. She let them be for a couple of minutes before clearing her throat and knocking on the door to the basement to wake them, finally speaking when she sees her wife’s eyes fluttering open.

“Hey sweetie, you guys have been down here a while. I’m making lunch, so when you’re ready come on up. I think it’s time you eat something.” She paused at the steps, before making her way up again and turned back to the duo. “You too, Clarke. You look like you haven’t eaten in days.” Giving her a small smile, the dirty blonde returned upstairs, leaving the two best friends alone again.

Clarke stretched out, enjoying the pull in her muscles. “I’m glad we’re ok” she gave Raven a lopsided smile, her voice still heavy with sleep.

“Me too, Clarke.”

“Rae, do you think I’ll be able to fix things with her?”

“With Lexa? Yeah… I think so. It won’t be easy though, but that girl loves you so much. I don’t think she knows how to be her without you.” Those words tugged at her heart, bringing her own words from just a week ago to the forefront of her mind _There is no you without me. There is no me without you. Where you go, I go. Always together…_

“I really hope you’re right.” Clarke gave her friend’s hand one last squeeze before getting up off of the couch.

“Hey Clarke, no offence, but you really do look like shit and I’m not gonna lie, you kind of stink.” She pulled a face, scrunching up her nose at the blonde, earning herself a light slap on the shoulder. “Seriously though, you think maybe you wanna take a shower and change into something that hasn’t been worn for four days straight? I stioll have some old clothes of yours in the guest room from last time when your place was being fumigated…”

Clarke gave her an appreciative smile. Raven was right. She did stink and she has been wearing these clothes for days on end. Maybe a quick shower will make her feel a bit better. “Yeah, maybe that’s a good idea.”

“Ahn is probably still busy making lunch, so how about you go up, get showered and dressed and then once you feel all new and fresh you can join us for a bite, ok?”

“Ok” Clarke couldn’t help the tears that started forming. The last few weeks have just been a whirlwind of emotions and for most of it she just didn’t know if she was coming or going. Being in this moment, having fixed things with Raven, having her friend be so kind and gentle with her after how horrible she’s been – it was all just so overwhelming. She blinked back the tears before giving her friend one last nod as they both headed up to the guestroom.

Raven opened the closet, grabbing the clothes Clarke had left there almost a year ago, placing it on the bed before turning back to the blonde. “Here you go, underwear, sweats, tank and some fuzzy, comforting socks. There are fresh towels in the bathroom and there’s still some body wash and shampoo in the shower. You know where to find the spare toothbrushes and all that?”

Clarke just nodded. She already knew where everything was. She knew where the towels were, she knew there was always a full bottle of body wash and some conditioner and shampoo for when they had guests. She knew that Raven kept like five new toothbrushes in the cabinet above her sink in case of emergencies. Raven gave her a small nod and backed out of the room, slowly closing the door behind her. For a moment Clarke just stood there, taking in her surroundings, willing herself to believe that everything was going to be ok, before finally stripping down and walking into the en-suite bathroom. The warm spray of the water immediately soothed her aching muscles. She allowed herself to relax, massaging the shampoo into her scalp, as if it could wash away the pain and heartache from the last couple of days. Slowly but surely, she started feeling better. Sometimes there’s nothing better than taking a hot shower to scrub away all your pain. She quickly dried herself off and wrapped the big fluffy towel around her – _Raven and Anya really have the best towels, definitely make a note to ask them where they bought them_ – Softly padding back into the bedroom to get a fresh set of clothes when the bedroom door suddenly flew open.

********

The drive back home was excruciating. She’s spent the last week at the cabin, apparently wanting to torture herself with all their shared memories of the past. Then if things weren’t already bad enough, this morning she walked into the sunroom for the first time this week. There it was, just standing there, staring at her, mocking her. _There is no you without me. There is no me without you._ They never even took the canvas off the easel, Lexa had promised she would get Lisa to come and collect it. The tears stung, looking at that painting. When Clarke was telling her what the painting meant, it was like her heart just kept swelling with pride and with love. She was so certain in that moment that everything was going to be ok, that she would tell Clarke how she felt and that she would say it back and they would be ok.

She couldn’t have been more wrong. Lexa felt the anger bubble up inside of her, clenching and releasing her fists at her side, wanting nothing more the rip apart the canvas staring back at her, telling her how foolish she was to ever let anyone in again. Love was weakness. She knew that after what Costia did to her, but for some stupid reason, she believed things with Clarke would be different. Lexa counted back from ten, waiting for the anger to subside before wrapping the painting and loading it into her car. She couldn’t have it here anymore, not in her safe space. It hurt too much having a constant reminder there. Not that it would really make a difference, she knew that even if she removed all physical reminders of the blonde, she would always be there, always be a part of her. That was never going to change and knowing that fact truly sucked.

Lexa pulled up to her sister’s house, needing to tell her she’s back home safely and also just needing some place to put the painting. She couldn’t handle taking it back to her apartment and there was no way she was ready to go and give it back to Clarke. Something about the idea of giving it back to her just made everything feel so final. Like she was saying her last goodbye, and as hurt as she was, she just wasn’t prepared to do that. With the wrapped canvas secured under her left arm, Lexa fished out her set of keys, looking for her emergency spare to her sister’s house. Unlocking it, she stepped inside, walking to the kitchen where she knew her sister would be this time of the day.

“Lex? You’re back!” Anya shot up from her chair at the breakfast nook and wrapped her arms around her sister for a brief moment before stepping back, knowing that Lexa was probably not quite ready to be too touchy feely about things.

“Hey, yeah I just got back. Listen I just came by to let you know I’m back safe. I really don’t want to talk.”

Anya just gave her a nod, expecting this to be her sister’s reaction.

“Listen, I can’t have this with me and I can’t give it back to Clarke just yet, so I’m just going to leave this in your guestroom for now ok?” Lexa rushed her words, pointing to the painting and hoping that her sister could not hear the pain dripping from her words.

“Listen Lex, I don’t think that’s-“

“Ahn, I can’t keep it with me ok?” Lex started storming down the hallway.

“No, Lex, wait, don’t go in the-“

She felt as if the carpet was ripped out from underneath her. Right there in front of her was the woman she loved more than anything in the world, staring back at her like a deer caught in headlights. For a moment she allowed herself to forget about the pain the goddess in front of her has caused her. She was so beautiful. Lexa followed the droplet rolling it’s way down from her hair onto her neck, down her chest until meeting the fuzzy towel wrapped tightly around her body.

“Lexa?”

“Clarke…”


	7. Chapter 7

**Present day**

_Lexa felt as if the carpet was ripped out from underneath her. Right there in front of her was the woman she loved more than anything in the world, staring back at her like a deer caught in headlights. For a moment she allowed herself to forget about the pain the goddess in front of her has caused her. She was so beautiful. Lexa followed the droplet rolling its way down from her hair onto her neck, down her chest until meeting the fuzzy towel wrapped tightly around her body._

_“Lexa?”_

_“Clarke…”_

Clarke looked like she had seen a ghost. She opened and closed her mouth, trying to find the words to say, but couldn’t muster more than just another whisper of “Lexa”. She couldn’t take this anymore. The whole reason she came here was because she couldn’t handle having the painting around her anymore, because it reminded her of HER. The blonde that has taken over every second of her day in the last few weeks. If she was honest with her, it had been a lot longer than that. Taking a step back, Clarke took another step forward/

“Lexa, please” her voice broke halfway through, unable to keep her emotions in check. Her eyes had already started gone glossy with tears that she was willing to the back of her skull, willing not to fall here in front of Lexa.

“Clarke.” she was trembling “What – what are you doing here?”

“I needed to talk to Raven.”

“No, what are you doing here, in the guestroom. In their shower? Don’t you have your own shower?” She couldn’t help it, but the bite in her words were clear to both her and Clarke, making the blonde retreat slightly at the harshness of her words.

“It’s… I came over here to talk to Rae and I looked like shit so she made me shower.” Clarke was looking down at her feet, wringing her hands together, trying to focus on anything other than the brunette in front of her, who was just so close, but not nearly close enough.

“Clarke, you’re not making sense.”

“None of this makes sense, Lexa.” It was barely a whisper, but Lexa was zoned in on everything Clarke that there was no way she would miss a single word. “None of this makes sense. You and me being apart, it doesn’t make sense” The blonde broke in front of her and Lexa could feel her own heart breaking at what she had said and at seeing her like this. Then hurt quickly turned to anger, reminding herself why they were in this position to begin with. Clarke only had herself to blame.

“Don’t do that, Clarke. Don’t pull me in again.” Lexa wasn’t one to beg, but here she was standing in front of the woman she loved, begging her not to pull her back in. Begging her to allow her to just let go. She put down and turned to leave the room, only to have it shut in her face, hearing a click before she could turn the doorknob and push her way out.

Anya’s voice came muffled through the wooden door from the hallway on the other side. “Listen, Lex. I don’t know if you guys are going to fix this or not, but you need to talk. Rae and I both think so. You can’t keep running away. It’s locked so you’re not getting out. Just… just talk to each other ok?” Lexa looked at the door with such a burning intensity that she could almost burn a whole through it – _If only –_ Lexa got into a fighting stance, ready to kick the door off its hinges and face the consequences rather than be stuck in this room with the blonde. She had broken through sturdier pieces of wood before. Years of martial arts training meant that something as simple as a locked door wasn’t doing to dissuade her.

“Before you even think of it, I swear I will fucking kill you if you break down this door AND I will make you pay for a new one. Then I’ll make you pay for new doors for all the other rooms in the house so they can match AND I’ll make you put them all up AND you know that I will not go cheap on you!” Lexa knew she could afford to have this entire house knocked down and rebuilt from the ground up, but even for her deep pockets, she knew this wasn’t a good idea.

“Fine!” Lexa sighed, turning to the blonde.

“Oh and Lex, text me when you guys have decided if you’re making up or not. Rae and I are going out for an hour or two. That should be enough time for you to talk.” The muffled voice came through the door once more, landing on Lexa’s ear, making her sigh once more.

“Is it really that bad being trapped in a room with me?” Clarke looked up through her lashes, giving Lexa a shy, unsure smile. Her face quickly going blank when Lexa shot her a deadly glare. “Lexa, please can we just talk?”

It took Lexa longer than she would have liked to answer her. She hated that Clarke could see how much it affected her to be in her presence. “Fine. Just… Go into the bathroom and get dressed. I’m not talking to you while you’re in just a towel.” She didn’t know if she said that last part because of how much seeing Clarke in just a towel turned her on, or if the seriousness of their conversation just required the blonde to actually be dressed.

“Ok. Just give me a sec” Clarke slipped back into the bathroom and got dressed, drying off her hair a little more and combing through it with her fingers before looking herself in the mirror. Her blonde hair was still wet, but no longer dripping, forming natural waves. Her eyes were dark and baggy after nights of no sleep, but at least her eyes were no longer bloodshot and she didn’t look like a homeless person like she had for the last four days. Clarke ran her hands through her hair one last time _Don’t break down, Griffin. Hold it together. Apologize. Make this right. You’ve got this._ The words of encouragement and advice came flooding through her mind, readying herself for the talk she was about to have with Lexa. She had no idea how she was going to approach this, but it was now or never, so she stepped back out into the bedroom, seeing Lexa sitting on the foot of the bed, wringing her hands and looking down at something apparently very interesting on the floor.

When Lexa looked up at the sound of Clarke taking a too deep and shaky to be normal breath, she was met with the blonde in a pair of fuzzy socks, an old pair of tracksuit pants she remembers was once her favourite pair and a tank top. She was adorable, cute, comfy even – everything in Lexa just wanted to reach out and hold her, especially once her eyes landed on the sad expression etched in her face. This wasn’t the time for her to just let Clarke back in though, so she pushed those thoughts away, willing herself to push through what was to come. Clarke started moving closer slowly, until she was standing right in front of Lexa.

“That seat taken?” Clarke put on a half-smile, pointing to the space next to Lexa at the foot of the bed.

“Actually, uh, can you just sit on the chair?” Lexa looked towards the desk and chair in the corner of the guestroom.

“Yeah- Of course, I can do that.” A flash of hurt crossed the blonde’s eyes, but she schooled her features and walked towards the chair, turning it to face Lexa. It was extremely weird sitting so far away from the brunette. It was barely a couple of feet from her, but they were always right next to each other, cuddled up or at least touching in some way as if something always kept pulling them to each other.

After a moment of silence, none of them willing to speak just yet – Clarke top afraid she had pushed Lexa too far already and Lexa too afraid Clarke would just break her again – Lexa sighed loudly.

“Yeah. I know. I feel it too.” Clarke tried. “We have to talk, but looks like we’re both not really up to it. One of us has to start and I think that should be me. I know it should be me.”

Lexa looked down at the floor once more, unable to get herself to look into those blue eyes she loved so much. She wasn’t going to let Clarke break her again. “Listen, Clarke. If you’re just going to tell me again how I’m not good enough and how I’m too late, I think we already know how this is going to go. I’m sorry I got us locked in here, I’ll just text Anya and tell her we decided that we’re good. I mean we can pretend we’re good right. You go on and marry Finn and I will just slowly but surely disappear from your life. Thing are hectic at work, I can always just blame it on work keeping me super busy and us just growing apart. I mean I know how you feel about me now and I wouldn’t want to force you to stay around such a fuck up, so I’ll make it easy for you and we can just forget about us. You can forget about me and just go be happy. You don’t have to say sorry about what you said.”

Clarke couldn’t believe what she was hearing. The icy grip on her throat just tightened at the thought of Lexa not being a part of her life. When she spoke, Lexa finally looked her in the eyes, seeing the pain swimming in them.

“Is that…” She cleared her throat and tried again “Is that really what you want? To not be in each other’s lives anymore?”

Lexa was silent, she couldn’t bear to answer that question. Of course it wasn’t what she wanted, but she honestly didn’t know what else she could do. All of this was just too much pain.

“Clarke, obviously what I said was a mistake and it fucked so much up. Then you finally said what you really think of me, so I guess yeah. It’s what I want. You’re right, maybe I as just lonely and I never really loved you like that.”

The words stung her tongue as they left her mouth. The sting hit Clarke’s heart, but something inside her kept telling her that Lexa was just trying to protect herself, that she didn’t mean what she was saying.

“Lexa, why did you and Luna break up?”

“What?” The brunette’s eyebrows were knitted together.

“Why did you and Luna break up?”

“What? You want me to just prove your point that I’m not capable of loving someone is that it? You know why we broke up. I couldn’t give her what she wanted. The whole love not being my thing deal. Is that what you’re trying to do here? Throwing that in my face to just show me again how incapable of love I am?”

“Stop lying to me, Lexa. O and Linc were there that night. She told me what happened.”

“Then why the hell are you asking me if you already know the answer to that Clarke?!” Lexa started shouting, her back completely stiff. Why was the blonde attacking her like this?

“Because…” Clarke drew a deep breath as if trying to steady herself. “Because I want to hear you say it. I want to know that O wasn’t just fucking with me and that it was real.”

“After a moment of silence, Lexa looked her in the eyes, letting out a breathy whisper. “She wanted me to choose her over you.”

“Lexa-”

“She knew that I loved you back then already, even when I didn’t realize it yet. She wanted me to cut you out of my life and I – I couldn’t do that, Clarke. The moment the idea of a life without you entered my mind, I knew that there was no way I was going to let that happen. I left her, because being with her meant no you anymore. Even the idea of losing you as a friend threw me off balance. I couldn’t –” The end of her sentence slowly fading away, unable to talk any further.

Clarke stood up from her chair, moving closer to the brunette until she was stood right in front of her. Sinking down to her knees, Clarke placed her hands on the brunette’s knees, hanging her head in shame, pressing her forehead against the back of her hand resting on Lexa’s right knee. The both needed this. They both needed to be held, but this is the best she could do for now, needing to get her words out first. As the first tear started rolling down her cheek she finally looked up, allowing Lexa to see her glossy eyes and tear stained face.

“Lexa, I never meant what I said. I am so sorry. I need you to know that, even if you don’t believe me, I just need you to know that. I am so incredibly sorry. I was so scared. For years I’ve dreamt of us being together and there were so many times I wanted to tell you, Lex.” Clarke could see the brunette’s bottom lip starting to quiver as she took in her words. Her green eyes were boring into her soul, trying to find the truth therein. “I was going to tell you, then Ahn and Rae had their accident, I wanted to just be there for you after that. Then when I finally started feeling like maybe it was the right time to tell you, my dad…” Clarke sniffed at the memory, it still hurt thinking about him “Then you started seeing Luna and Lex you were just so happy. Anya used to say it was the happiest you’ve been since Costia. Then you guys broke up and you told me that love wasn’t your thing. I was broken at that thought. The thought that maybe you couldn’t love me back one day the day I love you… or maybe even that you could, but then you would take it back again one day. I was so scared. In my mind, I had two options. Tell you I love you and probably lose you forever, or just pretend like we were just friends, and keep you in my life. I know I was wrong, Lexa. I know that.” Lexa placed one of her hands over Clarke’s and she turned her hand to give Lexa’s a squeeze. “This. Us. I was willing to love you forever in secret if that meant I could still have you in my life, even if it wasn’t the way I really wished you could be.”

“Clarke-“ her voice broke, too full of emotion to function properly.

“Please, Lexa. I need to get it off my chest. I’ve spent so many years hiding what I felt. I need to get it out now. Please.” She looked up finding green staring back at her, waiting until Lexa gave her a small nod to continue.

“I went to Paris and honestly I was miserable being there without you. I hated that the time difference made it so difficult for us to talk and I eventually just shut off, crying in my hotel room most nights. Then one day I bumped into Finn at the gallery, it was the last thing I ever expected. I was alone and he was there and it made me feel less alone. We went out for dinner and he apologized for everything with Raven – although I know now that he didn’t apologize for EVERTHING. We started hanging out more and more and I’m not going to lie, it was good having a distraction from how much I was missing you. We both thought maybe us bumping into each other was fate. You know… going halfway around the world just to bump into someone who lives less than an hour away from you. We talked about marriage when we were younger. We both wanted to wait until we were done studying and we could afford to buy a house together. We had everything planned out before, so one night we just kept talking and talking about it and we realized that what we wanted for our futures were still the same. We were in a good place and Finn felt like we lost so many years already, he didn’t want us to lose anymore. He asked me… and the first thing I could think of was you. Maybe this was how I could get over you. Maybe it was finally time for me to let go of what I was holding out for, for us. I said yes, because I thought I could never have you. I said yes, because my heart broke so much thinking of how you would never love me the way I love you and I thought maybe loving someone else would make that pain go away. I didn’t say yes because I wanted to spend my life with him. I said yes, because deep down I felt like being with him and getting over you would be the one thing that could save us and keep you in my life. That way I couldn’t drunkenly admit my love for you and scare you off forever. So then when you told me you loved me… I’ve spent so much time convinced you didn’t that in that moment I couldn’t believe you. It felt impossible and I couldn’t risk falling for it just for you to take it back. I was scared. I was so fucking scared, but that doesn’t excuse what I said to you and I’m so sorry.”

Clarke reached up to cup Lexa’s jaw, swiping her thumb over her cheek to wipe away some tears that have started to fall.

“I didn’t make it up Clarke. I wasn’t just lonely. I didn’t just decide to tell you I love you because I was afraid to lose my friend to Finn. I realized when you were gone… or maybe no… I finally accepted when you were gone that no version of life is ok when you aren’t in it with me. I was going to tell you that day at the airport. I was going to declare my love and whisk you off and we could live happily ever after. When you told me about Finn, everything inside me broke down. Everything just went numb, until it wasn’t and then I couldn’t breathe. I had fucked up. I had lost so many years of opportunities where I could have told you, but I was scared and by the time I finally plucked up the courage, you were with someone else.”

“I know. I’m so sorry Lex. I should have told you sooner. I wish I had just told you the first day I realized it.”

“Yeah? What would you have said?”

“I would have told you what that painting meant.”

Clarke could see the confusion in Lexa’s eyes, she could see the wheels turning in her head when she finally put things together, remembering the painting she was talking about.

“That one from your showcase? The final piece. The one that made me cry?”

“Yeah… That painting was everything I felt for you splashed onto a canvas.”

“Clarke- I don’t know what to-“

“Lexa, I’m not marrying him.” Clarke couldn’t keep it in anymore. She needed to tell Lexa. She needed her to know that

“What?” She wasn’t sure if she had heard her correctly or if she was just imagining those words falling from her mouth.

“I can’t marry him. I know what real love is. I’ve seen it I’ve felt it. It’s there whenever I’m with you. I can’t settle for anything less than that ever. I know that now. There is no amount of distraction that could ever make my love for you go away.”

“Clarke, I can’t ask you to leave him.”

“You’re not asking me; I’ve made that decision. I’m not leaving him so you will be with me either. I’m leaving him because it’s not right to use him as a distraction. I’m leaving him, because I don’t want to pretend I have some great love with him, when the best love I could ever ask for was within reach all these years.”

“What if it’s still not within reach, even after you leave him.” The words tugged at Clarke’s heart. Of course she knew that Lexa wouldn’t just be running back to her because she broke up with Finn.

“Look, Lexa. I’m not asking you to just jump into my arms and forgive me because I’m leaving him. I just don’t want to pretend anymore. Being with him is pretending. I mean, if you don’t want to be with me, that’s –” she took another deep, steading breath, forcing her tears back “If you don’t want to be with me, that’s ok. It will hurt like hell, but ultimately I just want you to be happy and I want to stop pretending. If we aren’t meant to be together, then maybe one day I will find someone who could make me feel the way you do, but until then, I’m not settling for anything less than the best. I want the real deal, Lexa. If you’ll have me, I’ll spend the rest of our lives showing you how much I mean that…. And if you won’t have me-” Clarke sniffed, wiping the tears away with the back of her hand. “If you won’t have me, I’ll spend the rest of my life being the best friend you’ve ever had. All I know is either way, I can’t do life without you in it. There is no you without me and there is no me without you.”

Lexa just stared at Clarke, her mind and her heart racing at a thousand miles a second. Finally, she reached down, cupping Clarke’s chin and tipping her head back to have a better look at her.

“You really hurt me, Clarke.”

“I know.”

“Like, really really hurt me,”

“I know” Clarke wanted to look away, too ashamed at what she had done, feeling completely defeated, but Lexa wouldn’t let her move, her hand still cupping her chin.

“When I told you I love you, I meant it.”

“I know, and I’m so sorry I didn’t believe you-“

“Did you mean it when you said you loved me?” she was searching the blonde’s eyes.

“Of course I meant it. I’ve always loved you. I love you, Lexa Woods. I love you so much that my stupid brain can’t form the words, so I have to paint what I feel. I love you so much I can’t even find the words to explain how much, but I promise you if you would just give me a chance, I will spend the rest of my life trying to find those words. Lexa, I love you so much I wish that I could speak every language known to man, just to be able to tell you I love you in every single one of them. I. Love. You.”

Lexa blinked at her words, trying to will herself to believe that this wasn’t a dream and Clarke was really telling her that she loved her.

“Clarke Abigail Griffin, I love you. I love you so fucking much. I’m so scared. I want this so much, but what if one day you decide I’m not enough? What if one day you leave?”

“Lexa, I could never walk away from you. I’ve tried even just slightly removing you from your heart and trying to love someone else, but I couldn’t. My love for you is stubborn, its built you a home within my heart and it’s refusing to let you leave. I could never walk away from us.”

“What if you get tired of me?”

“Not a chance.” For the first time since Lexa entered the room, Clarke was giving her a warm smile. “Lexa, nothing could ever keep me from you. I know it’s scary, fuck I’m so scared too, but at the same time I’m so calm. It’s you. It’s us. It is what love is supposed to be. Obviously having something this amazing is going to be scary. The thought of ever losing this is so fucking scary, but I’m so fucking tired of not allowing myself to have this. We deserve to be happy? Don’t we?”

“We do.” Lexa broke into a bright smile. This was i. They were going to be happy. It was finally their time. “Say it again. I want to hear you say you love me again…. And pinch me. I want to make sure this isn’t a dream.”

Clarke chuckled and the sound made Lexa’s heart melt. She stood up, wrapping her arms loosely around the brunette’s neck before leaning down, letting her lips ghost over the brunette’s as she breathed out the three little words Lexa was begging to hear. “I. Love. You.” Lexa’s lips trembled before she leaned forward slightly, brushing her lips against Clarke’s. The blonde’s lips were so soft and she immediately melted into them Clarke kissed her back with everything she had in her, letting a moan slip from her lips as Lexa’s tongue swiped over her bottom lip, pleading for entrance, which she granted her without a second though. Lexa moaned into her mouth, finally being able to kiss her and feel her like this. It was all so overwhelming to her. She could feel herself being pushed back until her back was pressed against the mattress and Clarke was on top of her, their bodies flush against each other’s.

She could feel the blonde motioning for her to move higher up the bed, so without stopping the kiss she wiggled herself higher up until her head rested on the pillows. Clarke followed her body as she moved up, sighing in content as she fully lowered her body onto Lexa’s again, slipping a leg between the brunette’s hearing a hiss leave her lips as she pressed down. Every single inch of her body was on fire. She needed her, now more than ever, she wanted to devour the woman beneath her. A whimper escaped her lips as Lexa bucked up unexpectedly, apparently wanting and needing this as much as she did. 

Lexa’s hands were all over her, tracing down her back, resting on her waist, gripping her hips tightly every time the kiss kept heating up more, buking her hips from time to time, needing more pressure that what the blonde was allowing her. Clarke felt like she was overheating. Lexa had just been touching her over her clothes, but every touch felt like it was burning her skin and she couldn’t get enough. She needed more. She needed everything Lexa could give her and then some. A whimper escaped her lips as she started grinding down on the thigh between her own at an excruciatingly slow pace. She was dripping wet already and she knew that if she didn’t stop right now, she was going to cum without Lexa even properly touching her. The moment the thought crossed Clarke’s mind a shiver ran through her body and she pulled back, looking down at Lexa’s flushed and confused face, focusing on the kiss bruised pouty lips. Clarke leaned down one more time to peck her on the lips before pulling herself away from the brunette.

“Fuck, Lex we can’t do this-“ She stopped herself when she saw the hurt flash in the brunette’s eyes.

“I – I thought?”

“No, baby no.” If Lexa realized the slip, she didn’t show it, so Clarke continued. “I want this. Fuck I want this so much. More than anything I want to take your hand and make you feel what you do to me. Fuuuck this is so hard. Lex, I can’t do what Costia did. I love you. I love you so fucking much, but I don’t want our first time together to be while I’m still technically in a relationship. Finn is landing soon and I still need to pick him up from the airport. I need to tell him it’s over. I need to break things off so we can start this the right way. I want you and only you, Lexa. Please believe me. I just… I’ve been wanting this for so long and I need it to be right. I don’t want to taint this pure and beautiful thing we have. I know it’s already over with me and Finn, but he doesn’t know that yet. I need to break it off first.”

It took Lexa a moment to get her breathing back to normal. “Yeah, yeah ok I get it. Fuck I want this too, Clarke. So fucking much, but you’re right. I want to do this the right way.”

“I love you so much”

“I love you too, Clarke.” Lexa sat up and reached out to the blonde, pulling her into her chest and holding her tightly against her. “I don’t want to let go just yet.”

“Don’t. Please don’t.”

“When is he landing?”

Clarke leaned over to the bedside table to grab her phone and check the time. “Fuck, he’s going to be here in like an hour. I still need to go home and get dressed and head off to the airport to pick him up.” She shot off the bed, turning back to Lexa. “Lex, do you think you can come with me. To my apartment? I really can’t let you go just yet, please can you just drive with me?”

“Of course. Let me just text Ahn so she can open up for us.

“Oh shit I actually forgot about that!”

“Oh so you were willingly staying inside with me? Not because of some locked door and no way to escape?” Lexa gave her a cheeky smile as she typed out a text to her sister.

“I told you, Lex. Nothing could ever make me run away from you. Never.”

“Ok, Ahn says they’re almost home.”

“Did you tell her? About us?”

“I told her to open the damn door before I start fucking you against it, so yeah I guess.”

Clarke blushed and crossed her legs at that, trying to soothe her aching core at the thought of Lexa pinning her against the door and fucking her until she couldn’t remember her own name.

“Fuck… Keep that in mind for later ok?” Clarke gave her a wink; this time it was Lexa’s turn to blush.

The next moment they could hear a key turning the lock and the door came flying open, a grinning Anya and Raven in the hallway. “Well fuck, kiddo. If I knew all I needed for you two to get your shit together, I would have locked you in a room together YEARS ago!” Anya’s grin turned to a smirk before Lexa just smirked back at her, standing up from the bed and pulling Clarke to her follow her out the door.

“Fuck off, Anya. We’ll talk tomorrow.” Lexa kept dragging Clarke behind her until they got to her car.

“Clarke, where’s your car?”

“Oh, uhm I parked down the street. I was kind of scared Rae would still be super pissed at me and come out and smash my car if it was close enough. Remember I told you about how she keyed her ex’s car one time?”

“Yeah but you also said she was piss drunk and the ex worshipped her car so she wanted to hit her where it would hurt.”

“True, but I wasn’t risking it” Clarke grinned at her.

“Ok well let’s leave my car here, I can come and fetch it tomorrow. I don’t want your car staying in the street overnight.”

“Good idea, ok let’s go.”

They drove off to Clarke’s apartment and the blonde got dressed in record time, wanting nothing more than to get this over with so that she and Lexa could have their fresh start. Lexa knocked on her bedroom door, holding two glasses of water.

“Yu don’t have to knock, Lex. You’ve seen everything there is to see”

Lexa entered the room, handing Clarke a glass of water and giving her a sheepish smile. “I know, but that was before. That was when we were just friends and now we’re…” _We’re not dating. Well not yet._

Lexa’s thoughts were interrupted by Clarke taking the glass from her, their fingers brushing as she pulled away, a small blush creeping up her features. “Yeah, you’re right.”

Lexa eyed her as she took a sip of water, watching her throat as bob slightly. “So uhm, are you ready for this?”

“As ready as I’ll ever to be to break off an engagement” she gave an unamused chuckle.

“Are you – are you sure this is what you want?”

Clarke moved over to her, putting her glass down on the dresser and cupping her face with both her hands, the start contrast between her warm hand and the cold one that had just been gripping the glass of water instantly hitting Lexa hard. “I am more sure than I have ever been about anything in my life. I love you, ok? I’m not backing away from this”

Lexa felt the calm that was washing over her entire body, nodding as much as she could with Clarke still cupping her face. Clarke leaned forward, standing on her tiptoes as she kissed Lexa’s forehead and whispered once more. “I love you.” She stepped back, letting her hands fall to Lexa’s side, taking her hands in her own.

“I promise you, Lexa, I am not going anywhere. I need to do this first, please tell me you understand?”

“I do, I do. I just wish this wasn’t all so damn scary.”

“I know.” Clarke gave her hands a squeeze. “Stay here? I was going to drop him off at his place anyway. I’ll tell him when we get there and I’ll come straight home after… home to you. Ok?”

“Ok. Promise me you’ll call as soon as you leave his place?”

“I promise you.” Clarke gave her one last kiss on the cheek before turning towards he door with her keys in hand. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

********

It’s been two hours and Lexa was starting to get worried. No, that’s a lie, she wasn’t starting to get worried, she was worried since the moment Clarke left the apartment. She chalked it up to her just missing the blonde and not wanting to be apart from her, scared she’ll change her mind. However, it’s now been two hours later and she hasn’t heard anything from the blonde. Not a single text to let her know she was at the airport or to tell her she just got to Finn’s house or that she had left his house. Nothing. The silence worried her more than she could handle. Just as she was about to call Clarke, the front door swung open, a bewildered blonde standing in front of her. Her hair was a mess, her cheeks stained with tears and Lexa felt everything inside of her break at the sight in front of her.

“Baby?”

“Clarke!” Lexa jumped up from the couch, running towards her and pulling her into a hug. “What happened baby? Talk to me. Are you ok?” Lexa didn’t even care that she let the nickname slip just as Clarke has. All she cared about right now was the blonde in front of her.

“He was so upset. Fuck I knew he would be, but I didn’t think he’d ever do this.” Clarke was sobbing into the brunette’s shoulder.

Lexa could feel the rage building up inside her. Rage towards Finn for making Clarke cry like this, rage towards herself for not insisting that she go with Clarke, rage towards the world.

“Baby, what the fuck did he do?!”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wait what? Two updates in one day? Can't be!

**Two hours ago**

Clarke already missed the brunette the moment she stepped out of the building and walked towards her car. _Ok Clarke, you can do this. He’ll understand. We were only together for a couple of months, getting married in such a short time is crazy anyway. Everything is going to be op. I’m starting over, Lexa and I will start over. Everything will be ok._

As soon as she arrived at the airport, she pulled out her phone to send Lexa a quick text, letting her know that she arrived there safely. The blonde let out a frustrated huff when she realized her phone had died. The last couple of days have been a mess and she’s barely even picked up her phone, never mind thinking of putting the thing ion charge. _Fuck, ok well Lex will understand. I’ll just tell her my phone died as soon as I get home. Come on, Griffin. It’s time to get this over with._ She squared her shoulders and marched towards the arrivals terminal. Finn’s flight should have just landed, so he’ll probably be out any minute now with his luggage.

About ten minutes later, sitting in the exact same spot Lexa had been waiting for her two weeks ago, Clarke uncrossed her legs and stood up as she saw Finn approaching, dragging his luggage behind him. His smile grew wider as he got closer, obviously not seeing the indifference in her face as he drew nearer.

“Hey Princess! I’ve missed you.” Finn dropped his bags and pulled the blonde in for a hug, going in for a kiss, but finding his lips planted on the blonde’s cheek as she turned her face just in time. He furrowed his brow, Clarke had always been affectionate and she never had an issue with PDA, so he couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to kiss him right now. He pulled away dragging his hand through his hair, giving Clarke a concerned look. “Is everything ok, sweetheart?”

“Yeah everything’s fine.” Clarke was stiff and her voice was clipped. Everything was definitely not fine. “Let’s get you home, Finn.”

“Woah, hold your horses there. I haven’t seen you in two weeks. Can we just sit and talk? I’ve missed you.”

“Finn, we’re in the middle of an airport.” The words came out more annoyed than she had planned.

“Babe, there are restaurants all over the place. Come on, let’s just grab a quick bite to eat and we can head out ok?”

“Do you have any idea how much parking costs here?”

“Don’t worry about it, Princess. I’ll cover it. Now come on, I’ve missed you and I’m absolutely starving.” Clarke knew there was no use in arguing with him. As soon as he had an idea in mind, he was going to go through with it. It’s one of the things she had always loved about him, how determined he was. Right now, it was something she just couldn’t stand. More than anything she wanted to get this over and done with so that she could get back home to Lexa. Clarke gave him a tight lipped smile and nodded once, starting to walk off towards the restaurants within the airport, the sooner they eat, the sooner they can leave and they can talk about everything once she got him home.

Finn walked awkwardly beside the blonde, not even trying to hold her hand or link into her arm. He could feel something was off and he wasn’t going to push her. He had really missed her and right now was not the best time to get into a fight.

A waitress came over and took their order as soon as they were seated, both of them opting for just a burger with a side of fries, Clarke opting for a water while Finn ordered a beer. He didn’t care that the beer was way overpriced in the airport due to all the international travellers, he had missed good old American beer, nothing really quite hitting the spot in Paris.

“So-” Clarke started “How was the rest of your trip? Find any good artists to feature?”

“Oh yeah a couple actually. I sent through some samples to Murphy and he’s really happy. We’re starting negotiations with one of the artists – Liza, you remember her right. The one with the wild red hair?”

“Yeah she’s the one who mainly painted gothic style pieces?”

“Yep, that’s the one. Murphy is really impressed with her work and he feels like she’d be a great addition to the exhibit.”

“Isn’t her work a bit dated? I mean it’s beautiful, don’t get me wrong, but you’ve been showing gothic pieces for years. Isn’t it time that you and Murphy expand into something else?”

“Well it’s been working so far. Why fix something that isn’t broken right?”

“I guess, it’s just-”

“Listen, Clarke, I know that as an artist yourself, you have your own view on these things, but I work with this every single day. I know what people want to buy and what they want to come and see in our galleries. It’s good enough for them and that’s all that matters.”

“So you’re saying that you would rather have a mediocre painting up in your gallery, because it’s good enough for your customers, than having some spectacular thought altering, life changing art that can inspire those walking in.”

“I mean of course I want art like that, Clarke. You know that. I just know what sells and what is good enough. I know what the people want and that’s all that matters.”

“How do you know what they want if you’ve never given the experience of having more than what you’re currently giving them. This is all they know.”

“Clarke, people aren’t blind. They are free to look up art elsewhere and find something that they fancy, this is just our niche ok?”

“That’s the whole thing though. They’ll always just settle for what you have, because they don’t think they’ll ever be able to get anything better. Sometimes people are a bit blind to the possibilities in the world and they only take in what’s right there in front of them. If all that’s really ever within their reach is some outdated, gothic style art that has been recycled over and over again in your gallery, they’ll take it.”

“Clarke, what is going on? Why are you getting so upset? It’s just art. They can go to other galleries, get something else. Like I said, this is our niche and this is what we are selling.”

“Just art?! Finn, art is everything. How can you sit there telling me it’s just art. Art isn’t just something to fill your pockets with cash, it’s something that’s supposed to make you feel something, transcend you into another realm of consciousness... It’s supposed to make you think. It’s supposed to make you feel whole, but at the same time eternally empty. It should move you.”

“Clarke, what is going on with you. I thought you liked Liza’s work?”

“I do, I do like it. It doesn’t mean I love it. It doesn’t mean I don’t want something more, something more me. Her work is really good, Finn, but I just think that you need more sometimes.”

He knew she was talking about something more than just a couple of flimsy paintings, but he wasn’t willing to get into it here in front of everyone else. The rest of their meal was very quiet. Clarke barely touched her food, just moving the fries around in her plate and staring off into the distance, adding a “hmm” and a “yep” every now and again in response to something Finn would say. Finally, after Finn had paid for the food and Clarke’s obscenely expensive parking, they were on their way to his house. The drive was silent and every second that kept passing, he could feel himself getting riled up even more. It wasn’t until they stopped at his house and they both got out of the car that he snapped.

“Clarke what the hell is going on? Two weeks ago, we were good. So fucking good in fact you said yes when I asked you to marry me. Now you can barely look at me, you start a stupid fight over some stupid paintings to cover up whatever it is that you’re really upset about and now all the way home you didn’t even say a single word!” He basically spat at her. Too angry to lower his voice to an acceptable level.

“Finn, can we just go inside?”

“No, I want to talk right now, right here. No more stalling.”

“Finn, I really think we should talk inside.”

“I am not moving until you tell me what is going on, Clarke. Is this because of Raven? You know that I’m sorry about that. She can’t still be upset about a stupid kiss?!”

“Don’t you dare talk about Raven!” The anger was white hot within Clarke at the mention of her best friend’s name. How dare he mention her after what he had done.

“So this is about Raven?! That fucking bitch probably came to you spinning you some lie just because she can’t handle the fact that we’re together again. She’s always wanted me you know? You know this is just her being jealous and trying to keep us apart?”

“This is not about her, Finn! Although, I think we both know that you should watch your fucking mouth when you talk about her! In fact, you shouldn’t even be thinking about her, never mind talking about her!” The anger in her voice was palpable.

“So if this isn’t about your little slut friend, then what is it?!”

Clarke couldn’t contain her rage anymore. “You know what, Finn?! I’m done, this is done.” She ripped her necklace with Finn’s engagement ring loose from her neck, throwing it at his chest, shaking as he scrambled to catch it. “And no, this has nothing to do with the fact that you fucking sexually assaulted my best friend and then lied about it, although it is more than reason enough for me to kick your sorry fucking ass to the curb. I mean how the fuck could you do that, Finn?!” Clarke was yelling at the top of her lungs now, not caring about the neighbours’ lights switching on, peering through their windows to observe the commotion coming from Finn’s driveway. “I thought I knew you, Finn. How could you do that to someone. She was my best friend. She was your friend since you were toddlers. How could you do that to someone ever?!”

“I was drunk, Clarke, and she wanted it just as much as I did!”

“She what?! Don’t you fucking dare. Raven had to go to therapy because of you. She felt ashamed for years, too fucking scared to go to a party and drink, because what if some asshole forced himself onto her again and she wasn’t sober enough to push him off and maybe this time there wouldn’t be some random guy bursting into the room to save her. Do you think she wanted any of that?!”

“Clarke, she’s lying. That isn’t what happened. I rejected her and she got jealous. She’s lying.”

“I’m not listening to you. You do not get to speak about her ever again, do you understand me?!”

“So what? This is it? You’re throwing everything away because of a stupid mistake that I made years ago? I was a kid, Clarke. I was drunk and I made a stupid fucking mistake that I can never take back. That doesn’t mean that I don’t love you and I wouldn’t do everything I could for you, for us.”

“Well maybe I don’t love you, Finn.”

“What?”

“Finn, I don’t love you. I thought I did. Actually no, I made myself believe that I did. I needed a distraction, I needed to forget about… I used you to try and hide my own true feelings and for that I am truly sorry, Finn, but I can’t go on like this anymore. I can’t keep lying to myself and pretend like what we have is good enough. At the end of the day what we have is just one of those gothic paintings in Murphy’s gallery, good enough, but just because I couldn’t get to something better. Now I know that something better has always been there in my reach. I can’t keep pretending that I love you when I know what real genuine love is, Finn. I want the real deal.”

His stare went cold. The rage within Clarke started to dissipate as he stepped closer to her, his face had turned into something completely empty that she couldn’t recognize and it scared her. He muttered something under his breath that Clarke couldn’t quite hear.

“What?” Her voice was trembling now and Finn smirked at that. He knew that she was scared and he used that to his advantage.

“I said, that it’s that fucking dyke Lexa, isn’t it?”

“Don’t you dare talk about her like that!”

“Don’t you fucking dare tell me what to do, Clarke! You think I didn’t hear you talking about her in your sleep? You think I didn’t notice how much you talked about her? I should have known from the start that you were just a big old dyke like her. Dad always said to never let your woman mingle with one of those. I guess he was right. Two weeks back with her and you’re ready to give all of this up?!” He was moving closer and closer until he finally had Clarke pinned against the side of the car, gripping her arms tightly to keep her in place.

“You think I’m going to let you go just like that, Clarke? You think I’m going to have everyone talk behind my back about how I wasn’t man enough for you to make you stay? Maybe you just need a good fuck. That’s it, isn’t it?” His left hand started tugging her shirt from her jeans, unbuttoning her jeans and dragging down the zipper.

“Finn, fuck get off of me!”

“Shut up.”

“I believe the lady said no, Collins” Clarke could hear a man’s voice from behind her as one of the concerned neighbours approached the scene.

“Fuck off, Miller. This has nothing to do with you. This is between me and my fiancé.”

The man stepped in closer, shoving Finn away from Clarke and stepping in between the two of them. “I don’t think you heard me, or her for that matter. So let me clear it up for you. That ring there in your hand, yeah the one she ripped off and threw at you, I think that’s pretty symbolic of her bot being your fiancé anymore. And the fact that she told you to get off was definitely not some sick twisted foreplay. So I suggest you leave her the fuck alone and go back into your house, before I call the cops.”

From what Clarke could see, peering over the man in front of her’s shoulder, Finn what lifting his hands in a mock defence, a smug grin still plastered all over his face. “Yeah ok, ok. I’ll leave. You fucking better get your act together, Clarke. She’ll never be able to give you what I can.” He snorted. “I want my fucking bags, Clarke.”

The man who she had found out to be Miller turned to her. “Hey, you ok?” He whispered softly, waiting for her to nod. “His bags. Are they in the trunk?” Clarke nodded again, not trusting her voice. Miller turned towards his house, “Bryan, babe, come here.” Within seconds Miller was joined by another man. “Honey, can you get Collin’s bags from her trunk. I don’t want her going near him and I don’t want to step away from her for even just a second.”

The tall brunette man nodded at him once, giving his hand a squeeze before opening Clarke’s trunk to get Finn’s bags. He closed the trunk and walked until he was stood right next to Miller, not wanting to move any further, tossing Finn’s bags towards them, letting them fall with a hard thud in front of his feet.

“Hey, do you have any idea how fucking expensive these bags are!”

For the first time, Clarke heard Bryan speak. “Just take the fucking bags and get out of our sight, Collins. I will not hesitate to call the cops!”

“Fuck you, Bryan and you, Miller. You have no right to meddle in my affairs. And YOU!” Finn stepped to the side to get a clear view of Clarke, still cowering behind this neighbours. “You will regret this, Princess. Paris was a fluke. Don’t even think you will ever work in this town again or anywhere if I have anything to do with it. You are going to be nothing without me. How do you think they got wind of you in Paris? You think that was you? You don’t think I told them to invite you? You’re so fucking stupid if you really think that was all you. Every gallery you’ve been shown in these last few years was thanks to me. Every single one of them. Don’t think for a minute that I wouldn’t just take that away from you, that I wouldn’t take everything away from you, including your little dyke bitch Lexa”

Miller stepped forward, practically growling at him “Leave, Finn. NOW.”

“Fine.” He turned to Clarke once more. “You will regret this, Clarke” Finn picked up his bags with a huff and turned sharply towards his house, slamming his door shut once he was inside. When he was finally out of site, Clarke released a shaky breath she didn’t even know she was holding. Miller and Bryan turned towards her, their faces filled with concern. Bryan was the first to speak.

“Are you ok? Do you want to come in, we can make you some tea to calm your nerves?”

“I’m ok. Yes, that would be nice. I’m so sorry to impose. I’m so sorry-” Clarke could feel herself starting to hyperventilate until she felt a strong, soothing hand on her shoulder. It was Miller’s turn to speak.

“Hey, no none of that. Don’t you ever say sorry for his actions. I’m just glad the hubby and I weren’t asleep yet so we could get out here. I can’t even begin to think what would have happened if we weren’t here” Clarke could feel the man shiver before he gave her a small, soft smile. “I’m Nathan, Nathan Miller. Some people call me by my first name, others choose to use my last, it’s up to you. This is my husband, Bryan.”

“I’m Clarke, Clarke Griffin.”

“Clarke, do you need us to call the cops?”

Clarke burst into tears, flinging herself into Nathan’s arms, sobbing into his chest. She mumbled out a response as she felt soothing circles being rubbed on her back. “N- No. It’s ok. I just need to get out of here and get back home.”

“Are you sure? We can’t possibly let you go home like this.”

“Nathan is right, Clarke. At least come in for some tea. Just to calm your nerves and then you can drive home. If you want, I can drive behind you and make sure you get home safely?” Clarke reluctantly p[pulled herself away from Nathan and Bryan gave her a soft and warm smile.

“Thank you. I think that would be good.” Clarke fiddled with her zipper, pulling it up and buttoning her pants, not missing the sadness etched in Bryan’s face when he saw the shame she had felt. “None of this is your fault ok? You can charge him, you know. So he can’t do this to anyone else ever again.”

“Bryan-” Nathan intervened “Give her some space. Ultimately this is her choice.”

The two men led Clarke into their kitchen, Nathan fetching Clarke a blanket while Bryan made her some tea. After about thirty minutes, Clarke had finished her tea and had finally felt like she could stand. Shrugging the blanket off of her shoulders and handing them to Nathan, she turned to Bryan. “Bryan, do you think you can drive back behind me?”

“Of course, Clarke. I told you I would.”

“I’m not normally this needy, I just don’t feel safe even walking to my car right now.”

“It’s ok, Clarke. I understand, besides I did offer to escort you home.”

“Yeah, that you did.”

As they were leaving the house, Nathan came running after Clarke. “Hey Clarke, if you ever need us, let me know. Here’s my card, don’t be shy to use it ok?” Clarke took the card and glanced down _Miller Security_

“Of course Nathan. Thank you. Really I appreciate it.”

When they finally got to her apartment, Bryan insisted on walking her up to her floor, Clarke stopped when they were almost at her door and Bryan gave her a small nod. “Call us anytime you need us ok?”

“I will. Thank you. For everything.”

“No need to thank me. It was the right thig to do. Are you sure you’ll be ok?”

“I’m sure. My gi- My best friend is inside. She’ll stay with me tonight.”

Bryan just nodded, not wanting to hug her and scare her too much. “I guess I’ll go then. Be safe and call us if you need anything. We’re more than willing to testify as eye witnesses ok?”

“I’ll think about it, ok?”

With that Bryan left. As soon as he was out of sight she unlocked her door, flinging it open, hoping Lexa would still be awake, desperately needing her brunette’s strong arms around her right now.

“Baby?”

“Clarke!” The brunette was running towards her and pulled her into a hug. Clarke didn’t even flinch at the contact, even though after what had just happened, she thought with everything in her that any touch would make her jump. She could hear Lexa speaking to her, but she couldn’t make out the words. She needed to tell Lexa what happened.

“He was so upset. Fuck I knew he would be, but I didn’t think he’d ever do this.” She was sobbing into the brunette’s shoulder.

“Baby, what the fuck did he do?!”

Clarke broke down sobbing even more. Lexa led her to the couch, sitting down next to her, resting her hand on her knee, silently inspecting her body for something. Hell Lexa didn’t even know what she was looking for. Just something that would explain what had happened.

Clarke told her everything. She was talking in circles, unable to tell it from start to finish, but rather jumping from one part of the story to the next and then back again, trying to avoid telling her about the zipper, finding it too difficult to speak. She told her about how he had lost his temper and blamed Raven for lying. She left out the part about what Finn had done to Raven knowing that this wasn’t her story to tell. She told Lexa about how pissed off he got when she threw his ring at him. She told her about how he threatened her and how he was going to ruin her. The hardest part was telling her about the zipper. About how he had ripped her shirt from her jeans and forced her zipper down. How if Nathan and Bryan hadn’t stepped in, things could have gotten so much worse. In between sobs and parts of the story, Clarke kept apologizing about her battery that died.

“Baby I’m so sorry. I wanted to text you, but my battery was dead. Fuck I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry!”

Lexa looked Clarke in the eyes, her blood was boiling, but she knew right now Clarke needed her to be there for her more than she needed her to be storming off into the suburbs to go and kill Finn Collins. “Can I- Can I hold you?”

“Please” Clarke was still sobbing. “Please. All I want is for you to hold me. Please don’t let me go.” She dove forward into the brunette’s waiting arms, nuzzling into the crook of her neck.

Lexa let her drench her shirt with her tears, holding the blonde tightly and softly stroking her hair, trying desperately to remain calm for Clarke’s sake. After a while Clarke stopped crying, her tears seemingly have finally run out after the last two weeks of hell. Lexa pulled her back slightly, looking into those stormy blue eyes that she loved. “Baby, we need to press charges.”

“Lex, he’s a rich white boy who has connections everywhere. He held my arm really tight and he opened my jeans. Nothing concrete happened. Nothing is going to stick.”

“Clarke. I am the best attorney this country has ever seen. This isn’t me being cocky, this is me being factual. I will get just about anything to stick.”

“Lexa, please”

“At least consider a restraining order, Clarke. The man has been stalking you. He admitted it. I don’t feel safe with him being allowed to roam the streets anywhere near you.”

“Can we talk about this in the morning. Please, Lexa. All I want is to get in bed and fall asleep next to my girlfriend.”

Clarke immediately tensed up at the slip. This wasn’t how she had planned on things going. So much for not starting their relationship off tainted.

“What did you just say?”

“Nothing, Lexa it was just a slip. I get it if you don’t want it and it’s too fast. It was just a slip ok?”

Lexa gently cupped her chin, tipping her head so Clarke could look at her.

“It’s not too fast. I love you, more than anything ok. I would love nothing more than to be your girlfriend” _Well maybe being your wife, I would love that more. Not yet… Not yet._

“Are you sure/ I mean I’m a mess Lexa. Are you sure you still want all of this?”

“I want all of you Clarke. The good and the bad. I want you when you’re perfect, I want you when you’re a mess. I want to be there for you no matter what. I love you. It’s not too fast. We have been five years in the making baby. I want this. I promise you, I’m never backing out. I want this” Lexa picked up Clarke’s hand, leaving a soft kiss on her knuckles.

“I love you too, Lex. So damn much.”

“Come one, Clarke. Let’s get you to bed. Tomorrow morning, we can talk about all of this again and you can decide which actions you want to take, ok?”

Clarke just nodded, leaning in and giving Lexa’s chin a kiss. “Ok” Lexa got up and pulled the blonde with her, leading her to the bedroom, both of them not even bothering to get into pyjamas as they slid under the covers. All they needed right now was to be together. Tomorrow was going to be a big day and they both knew it. Lexa pressed into Clarke’s back, flinging a protective arm around her waist.

“Goodnight, Clarke.”

“Goodnight, Lex”

Before they knew it, the sheer exhaustion of the day had taken over both of them, the room filling with soft snores as they drifted off to sleep, finally at home with one another.


	9. Chapter 9

Lexa was the first one to wake up. She hated falling asleep in her jeans, but this morning, not even the uncomfortable pants could put a dent in her mood. She was waking up in her girlfriend’s bed. Her girlfriend. Clarke was her girlfriend. Everything horrible that has happened over the last 24 hours aside, there was one good thing to come out of it. Clarke was officially her girlfriend and she couldn’t be happier. This woman next to her was going to be the death of her. She propped herself up, staring at the blonde hair spread across the pillow, some drool leaving her mouth, the soft snores. Clarke was perfect, everything about her was perfect. Lexa could stare at her forever, but she knew that it would have to wait for another day. 

Lexa leaned down, kissing Clarke’s temple before whispering in her ear. “I’m getting up and making coffee. You stay in bed, ok” All she got from Clarke was a grumble in response, not ready to form any words.

As soon as Lexa was out of the bedroom, she grabbed her phone still on the couch and dialled her sister’s number. It just kept ringing and ringing and she was about to hang up and try Raven when her sister finally picked up.

“Fucking hell, Lex. It’s 6am. What on God’s green earth made you think that calling me at 6am was ever a good idea?”

“Shit sorry, Ahn. I didn’t realize it was so early.”

“I know you said we’d talk today, but like could we not have a giddy chit chat this early n the morning? I mean I’m happy for the two of you, but I would be much happier if I had a little bit more sleep.”

“Anya, I’m sorry. It’s just Clarke-”

“Did you already fuck it up?”

“No, not at all. It’s just, she saw Finn last night-”

“Did she fuck it up?”

“No Ahn. Can you just shut up and listen to me for one minute?”

“Ok jeesh fine sorry. Speak.”

“Ahn, things went sideways really fast last night. I need you and Raven to come over and bring my car. I might need to go to the police station, but I don’t feel comfortable leaving her home alone.”

“Shit. Lex, did he touch her? Did he fucking touch her?!” Anya must have turned away from her phone, because her voice seemed further away the next time she spoke. “Babe, get up and get dressed. We need to leave NOW. Get up.”

“Lexa, I asked you a question. Did he touch her?!”

“Sort of. It’s not my story to tell. Just get over here please.”

This time Lexa could hear Raven in the background too.

“Baby, what’s wrong? Is she ok? Fuck I should never have let her go to him alone. Fuck.”

Anya turned back to the phone. “Listen, kiddo, where are you. Clarke’s or yours?”

“We’re at Clarke’s”

“Babe, Clarke’s. You take my car and I’ll take Lex’s ok?” Anya turned back to the phone. “Ok Lex, we’ll be there in about 20 minutes.”

True to her word, 20minutes later Anya was knocking on Clarke’s door. When Lexa opened it, Raven stormed in past her to Clarke sitting on the couch with a warm cup of coffee in her hands.

“Clarke, are you ok?”

“Rae, what are you doing here?” She turned her attention to Lexa. “Lex, I told you we could talk about it today. Why did you have to drag Raven and Anya into this.”

“Well firstly, because from what I’ve been piecing together, it seems like Rae, more than anyone else will know what you’re going through right now. Secondly, I needed them here to hold me back so I won’t go out and commit murder. Thirdly, if you decide not to press charges, I sure as hell will take out a restraining order myself and I am not leaving you home alone.”

“Lexa, I don’t need a babysitter.”

Lexa moved closer, dropping onto her knees in front of Clarke, resting her hands on the blonde’s knees. “I know you don’t need a babysitter. Just please, it would make me feel much better if I knew that you were safe.”

Clarke was mad, but she understood why Lexa had done what she did. “Fine, just this once. Don’t ever pull something like that behind my back again. If this is going to work, we are going to have to be open with each other every step of the way ok?”

“Ok, I promise” Lexa leaned in and gave her a quick peck on the lips.

“Ok lovebirds.” Anya’s voice rang through the room. “Will one of you tell us what the fuck is going on?”

Clarke took a steadying breath. “Anya, Rae, please can you guys sit down. I’ll tell you guys everything, but I need you to sit down first.”

The couple agreed, sitting down on the loveseat across from Lexa and Clarke, holding hands as if to anchor each other for what Clarke was about to say.

“I broke it off with Finn last night, and well to put it mildly, he got very upset. We had a huge fight in his driveway when he kept saying that Rae made everything up and that she wanted it.” Clarke could see Raven getting pissed off “He kept saying that he rejected you and you were jealous and pissed off so you made everything up. I couldn’t allow him to talk about you like that so I started yelling at him.” Clarke fiddled with a loose thread on her sweater. “He got really upset and when I told him I don’t love him, he figured out that I wanted to be with Lexa. He got really upset and he got a bit up close and personal. He uhm – he grabbed me really hard and he was saying that all I need is a good fuck and how Lex couldn’t ever give me what he could. He pinned me against the car and unzipped my pants” Clarke’s words were interrupted with a gasp from Raven, tears had already started spilling down her face.

“Clarke I’m so sorry. If I had just told you sooner, this would never have happened. If I told you before Paris. Fuck I’m so sorry.”

“Rae he didn’t do anything. Like you, I guess I just had a guardian angel looking over me. His neighbours came out and stopped him. They looked like they were going to kick his ass into next week actually.”

“Oh thank god.”

“There’s more… Uhm he said that he was going to ruin me. He said that every gallery I’ve been shown in over the last couple of years was because of him. He said he told the gallery in Paris to invite me. He basically admitted to orchestrating everything. From getting me into more galleries until I got to Paris where he just happened to bump into me. He’s been keeping tabs on me and fucking playing with my life all these years. He promised that I would never work in this town ever again and basically told me he would make my life hell. I know he can do it. Murphy has more influence than anyone in the industry. One word from him and my career is over. Nobody will show my work. He threatened to take everything away from me. Including Lexa.”

“What the fuck, Clarke. How are we not sitting at the police station right now filing a report?”

“You know why, Rae. It’s probably the same reason you didn’t do it years ago. He’s a filthy rich white guy with a powerful daddy and friends in high places.”

“Clarke, maybe that was part of it, but I also didn’t file a report because I was embarrassed. I was young and stupid and I was blaming myself for everything. If I spoke up, maybe he would be behind bars. Maybe he would never have gotten to you again. Clarke, we can’t stay silent anymore, we need to speak up, if not for ourselves, but for the next woman on the street stupid enough to let him in. We need to be done hiding in shame Clarke. He should be the one in shame.” The words came spilling out of Raven’s mouth before she could stop herself.

“I’m scared, Rae”

It was Lexa’s turn to talk. “You don’t have to be scared. Baby I work with stuff like this every day. I have seen the number of cases where it was a he said she said situation and the guy walked free, but I promise you, the guy never walks free when I’m the one taking the lead. You have two witnesses who will be able to testify against him. They saw and heard him admit to stalking you, threatening you and me. The least we can do is get a restraining order Clarke.”

“Promise that if we press charges, he won’t get off.”

“I promise to do everything in my power to make sure that you are safe and that he never comes near you ever again. If I have my way, that man will be behind bars before you know it.”

“Will you come with me?”

“Of course I’ll come with you.”

“Rae, Ahn, can you come too? I think I’m going to need all the support I can get.”

“Of course Clarkey”

“Of course, kid.”

Clarke pulled them all into a group hug. “I love you guys so much.”

A few hours later, Lexa and Clarke had returned to Clarke’s apartment. Lexa told Lisa to reschedule all her meetings for the day and that she wouldn’t be coming in today or working from home. She was a senior partner at the firm and she had put in more work and time than anyone else, she deserved a damn day off.

“You ok, baby?”

“Yeah… I think so”

Lexa was so extremely proud of her girlfriend. Clarke had gone through with it and pressed charges against Finn for assault, letting the officer take her to be examined, photographing the now purple bruises on her arms, clearly showing a handprint wrapped around her bicep. She had told the detective everything that had happened and gave her Nathan Miller’s contact info as a witness. Nathan had arrived at the station not even 20 minutes later with his husband in tow, backing up her story and having the foresight to bring a copy of his security footage from the cameras outside the house, clearly showing Finn grabbing Clarke and causing the bruises on her arm, and showing him threatening her as well as Lexa. Detective Diaz believed that it would be enough to get a restraining order against him, but both Clarke and Lexa’s heart sank when she told them that it probably wouldn’t be enough to arrest him.

_“Look I’m not by any means saying he didn’t assault you. I can see it clear as day on the footage and you have witnesses backing up your story, but unfortunately we’re going to need more than that for an arrest. I’ve seen too many guys get away with the ‘I didn’t even hold her that tight, she just bruises easily’ bullshit. It’s enough to get a restraining order against him. If he so much as puts a toe out of line to breach the restraining order, I will nail him, I can promise you that. Then we take things from there, ok?”_

_Clarke just nodded at the detective._

_“Listen, I’ve been there before. I know it’s scary. I just don’t want us to jump the gun and then he gets off without so much as a slap on the wrist. We need to make sure we follow proper protocol. I will make sure my unit does an extra patrol in your neighbourhood and you call me the moment anything comes up.” Detective Diaz leaned forward, giving Clarke her card. “You call me on this number, day or night. Understood?”_

_“Yes, thank you so much.”_

_“What we can do right now is serve him with a temporary restraining order and then we take things from there. A court date will be set and you will appear before a judge. You will have the opportunity to explain your situation to the judge and Mr. Collins will not be present at this hearing. When you return for your second appearance in court, on the date indicated in your order, he will have the right to attend. Both you and the abuser will have the opportunity to tell the judge what happened between you. You obviously have the upper hand, as you have physical evidence of what happened as well as two eye witnesses. At the end of this hearing, the judge will determine if he should receive a final order, for how long, and under what conditions. Trust me Clarke, there is no judge in their right minds that wouldn’t approve a final order in this case. I’ll still push for assault charges to be brought against him and we will fight to see him getting time.”_

_“Thank you, detective Diaz. Really, I mean it. Thank you.”_

_“You take care of each other now ok. I’ll call you and let you know about the first hearing. It should be in the next day or two.”_

_“Thank you so much, I appreciate it. Take care, Detective Diaz.”_

“Baby, can we just go and take a nap. This day has barely started and it has already gotten me beat. I just want to snuggle up.” Lexa couldn’t help but smile at the pout on her girlfriend’s face. She was absolutely adorable.

“Of course, Clarke. Just, can we at least get into pyjamas this time. You know I hate sleeping in jeans.”

“Of course, silly. Now come one. I need cuddles.”

When Lexa slipped in under the covers and pressed her body against the blonde’s, Clarke let out a content sigh. “You know what?”

“No, but I guess you’re going to tell me.”

“All of this is so crap. Everything with Finn, needing to go to the police, everything, but somehow I’m ok. I have you. I’m here with you and I’m ok.”

“I know what you mean. I think from the outside looking in, anyone else would think I’m mad for having a smile plastered on my face in a moment like this, but I’m just so damn happy being here with you, knowing that we finally made our way back to each other.” She kissed the bare shoulder in front of her, inhaling the blonde’s intoxicating scent. “I’m right where I want to be with exactly the right person. I can’t help but shut the rest of the world out and just be in our own little bubble.”

“Me too. I mean I know I should be scared and upset with everything else going on and I am, don’t get me wrong, but when I’m here in bed with your arms wrapped around me, I’m in heaven. I’m not scared, I feel safe. I am exactly where I should be.” Clarke gave another content sigh, pushing back into Lexa.

After a moment of silence, Clarke started speaking again. “Lex?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ve been thinking about something Finn said.”

“What is it, talk to me?” Lexa could feel herself stiffening at the mention of his name, but quickly forced her body to relax, wanting to make Clarke feel as safe as possible in her arms.

“He said all those galleries… That I was only there because of him. Does that mean everything was just a lie?” she let out softly, unwilling to hear the words leave her own mouth, as if saying them would make it true. “Is my entire career a sham?”

Lexa gripped Clarke tighter, pulling her close so that she could pepper kisses all over her shoulder as she spoke. “Clarke, he may have gotten you into those galleries – allegedly I might add, I refuse to believe that he has that much power – but the fact remains that all those people who were there swooning over your work, that was real. That wasn’t a sham. He might have gotten your foot in the door, but honey everything else was you. He didn’t make all those people feel moved. You remember how insane things got after you started showing in galleries. Your email blew up with art dealers wanting to work with you, galleries wanting to see your work, people wanting to commission you for work in their homes. You’ve had articles written about you, people freaking out when they saw you at galleries, just wanting a moment to speak with you and find out where your inspiration came from. Yes, some of those galleries might have heard of you because of him, but the reaction you got after showing was not fabricated. It was real.”

“What is he is as powerful as he says and no gallery wants to work with me again?”

“Then we open our own gallery where you can show your work. You make a splash on the art scene that is so big that no gallery in their right mind could refuse featuring you. You do what you do best, you move and inspire people through your art enough that the name Clarke Abigail Griffin becomes synonymous with the finest art galleries in the world. You become more powerful than he is.”

“You really want to open a gallery with me?”

“Yeah, I’ve actually been thinking about it for a while. You’ve always been so passionate about art, not just about showing your own pieces, but discovering new artists and falling in love with their work. I can see you doing showcases for some up-and-coming young artist, giving them their big break. I can see you having special exhibits of your own work. People will come from far and wide to see your work and to see the work of others that YOU deem good enough.”

“Well” Clarke sighed “We might just have to do that then. I didn’t know how to tell you earlier, but I’ve already had two galleries pull out on me this morning. They were big ones too.”

“That asshole!”

“I know” Clarke sounded somewhat deflated. It hurt, but she didn’t really know what she could do about it.

“Clarke, tell me what I can do. Tell me what you need.”

“I just need you to be here with me. I don’t want to think about all of this anymore. At least not for now.”

The following week had gone by in a bit of a flash. Clarke had gone to court and everything seemed to be in her favour. A second court date had been set and Finn had been served with a temporary restraining order. Four more galleries had backed out of their agreements with Clarke, leaving her blue most days, locking herself in her studio to paint all day and all night. On the day of the second court date, Finn didn’t show, he sent a lawyer to represent him and the judge ended up ruling in Clarke’s favour, granting a full restraining order. Finn was not allowed within 100yards from Clarke, he was not allowed to contact her in any way shape or form and it was made clear to his representative that any breach of the restraining order would land him in jail. As cocky and well off as Finn was, Clarke doubted that he would truly be dumb enough to risk it. She started feeling safer, calmer. Clarke spent less time locked away in her studio and more time lounging around with Lexa and her friends. She started feeling more and more like herself again and if she had to be honest, more and more needy. Lexa and Clarke still haven’t slept together, over the last week everything has been so crazy and Lexa spent most night just comforting her and holding her, making her feel safe, as if she was too scared that Clarke would break – it was absolutely infuriating. Clarke wanted Lexa and she was done waiting. It was a Wednesday afternoon when Lexa came home early from work, letting herself into Clarke’s home studio with a massive grin on her face.

“Lex, you’re home early.” Not that this was Lexa’s home just yet. She had been staying with Clarke every night, but Clarke knew all too well that the brunette still had an apartment of her own and that until they actually had the talk, this was all just temporary. Still, temporarily sharing a home with Lexa was more than she could ever ask for.

“That I am. You need to shower and get changed, or don’t I don’t mind. I need to show you something.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Come on, move now, questions later. Let’s goooo.”

“You think I should change?” Clarke looked down at her tights and oversized sweatshirt, splattered with paint. Her hair was definitely a mess and there were little droplets of paint all over her hands.

Lexa was looking at her with so much love in her eyes. This woman standing before her was everything she could have ever wanted. “I think that you look beautiful and if you want to change, you can, if not, don’t. Either way, I will be walking hand in hand with the most beautiful girl in the world.”

Clarke blushed. She still wasn’t completely used to Lexa being this loving towards her. Sure, she had always complimented her, but this was different. This was Lexa finally showing exactly what was in her heart and Clarke loved every moment of it.

“Ok, that’s sweet, but like totally not helpful. Will people see me when you show me what you want to show me?”

Lexa let out a chuckle. “Yes.”

“Ok in that case, let me at least wash my hands and put on something that isn’t covered in paint.”

“Ok, fine. If you insist.”

“I do.” Clarke walked over kissing the brunette’s cheek before moving to her bathroom to clean up. When she finally emerged from her bedroom, dressed and ready to go, Lexa was bouncing in excitement on the couch with a childlike grin plastered all over her face, completely unable to hold in her excitement. When Lexa’s eyes met hers, they went completely soft and for a moment the bouncing, excited kid in front of her was soft and gentle and on cloud nine.

“You look beautiful” She gave her a lopsided smile.

“It’s just a pair of jeans and a tank, Lex”

“You could be wearing a garbage bag and it would still look like you just came off the runway.” Lexa shrugged before jumping up from the couch, the nervous excitement returning. “So, you ready to go?”

“Where exactly are we going?”

“You’ll see” Lexa grabbed her hand, interlocking their fingers and led her out of the apartment and to her car.

The drive was peaceful, Lexa’s hand was resting on Clarke’s thigh and she was smiling as she was talking about her day, telling Clarke about how one of the interns had impressed her so much during prep for an upcoming court case and how he was definitely going to go far. Aden was his name. Lexa was extremely fond of him and knew from day one that she would be mentoring him to one day join her at the top. Smith was already thinking of retiring in the next few years and Lexa knew that she was going to need a second to help her run things. They drove past Lexa’s office and finally came to a stop.

“Lex, what are we doing here?” Clarke looked up at the building she knew all too well. She had been working at this gallery for years.

“Well, when you were gone, I still came here every now and again for lunch. I’d walk around and view some of your pieces that were still here and then I’d sit outside and have lunch at the café. It was kind of my way of still feeling close to you.” Lex said with a sheepish grin.

“Oh Lex, that is so sweet.” Clarke leaned over placing a soft kiss on her lips. “Still doesn’t tell me why we’re here though.” Clarke cocked her brow. She knew Lexa had a dramatic flair from time to time and that she just loved being cryptic whenever she had some big reveal to make.

“Well, one day Marco joined me for lunch and we started talking. He said he was getting too old for this and since August wasn’t interested in running the gallery, he didn’t really know what to do.” Clarke grimaced. She loved Marco, he was the best boss she had ever had. She knew that he was planning on retiring soon and then she would be out of yet another job. Lexa’s voice snapped Clarke out of her thoughts once more. “I asked him what his options were and he said that he could either sell the business and then continue collecting rent from the building when the new gallery owners moved in, or he could sell the building and risk the possibility of the new buyer converting the gallery into something else. He hated the second option, he doesn’t want the gallery to shut down and become some new burger joint or something.”

“Yeah Marco and I have talked about it before. The man loves art probably even more than I do, but he has to do what’s best for him too you know. He’s been looking for buyers for the gallery, but nobody could give him an offer worthwhile. Lex, I’m still a bit unsure about what’s going on right now.”

Lexa was practically bouncing up and down, bursting at the seams to spill all. “Clarke. He got an offer. He took it.”

“He did? Oh that’s amazing, but what does that have to do -”

“Clarke, I made the offer. The gallery… it’s mine. Ours. We signed the papers this morning.”

Clarke couldn’t believe what she was hearing. This couldn’t be true.

“Lex, it’s too much-”

“It’s not too much, Clarke. I’ve been thinking of buying the gallery for months now. Since that first day Marco and I started talking. You made me fall in love with this place and the idea of it being lost killed me. I’ve been going over his financial statements over the last couple of years and honestly it’s a great investment. Marco will stay on board for another year or two to show us the ropes so the place doesn’t go to shit once he’s gone, but essentially, it’s ours. You’ll be the one running everything of course.”

“Lexa, you can’t just give me a business to run.”

“Clarke, he insisted. He wanted you to be the one to take over. It was one of his conditions to sell. None of the other possible buyers were willing to let someone else run the business, so each time he turned them down. That was his one condition, Clarke. Now tell me again that you think your career is a sham when the one man you respect most in the art world would rather consider selling the building and having it turned into a burger joint than allowing anyone else but you to run this place.”

“Are you serious?”

“Dead serious?”

“It’s ours?” Clarke’s eyes were watering, still trying to believe what was happening.

“It’s ours and eventually when you’re ready, you can take over completely and it can just be yours. I’ll take a step back and it can all be yours.”

“No – I like it being ours.”

“You do?”

“More than you’ll ever know.” Clarke wiped away at the tears that were now freely falling. “Fuck I can’t believe it! We have our own gallery?!”

‘We do!” Lexa was beaming at her, pulling her into a hug and kissing the crown of her head. “We do… There’s more you know”

“Oh no, Lex. There can’t possibly be more. This is way too much already.”

“Nope” Lexa dragged Clarke into the gallery, giving Marco a nod as they passed him, Clarke just giving him a tiny wave.

“You showing her the rest, Miss Woods?” Marco’s voice sounded over the gallery.

“You bet, Marco. We’ll be down in a minute.”

Clarke was so confused, but she just followed her girlfriend as she led her to the back and up the stairs. She had seen Marco go up these stairs and disappear for hours on end before, but she never really knew what was up there. Finally, Lexa pulled a key out of her pocket, unlocking a door and swinging it open for Clarke to see. Clarke stepped into the small apartment above the gallery.

“What – what is this, Lexa?”

“This is also part of the deal. It’s your own studio. This entire room is just for you to paint in,” Lexa led her through the apartment to another room “Then here’s the bedroom and bathroom if you get lost in your painting and it gets too late and you just feel like crashing here.” She led her to the small kitchenette and lounge “And then this is just for you to chill and make a quick snack if you get hungry.” Finally, she let go of Clarke’s hand and looked at her. “This is also where I’ll be crashing if I work late nights and the apartment is too far away. We can both crash here, make it our own. I know it’s not a big house with a big kitchen and big yard, complete with two Scotties and a sunroom overlooking a lake, but it can still be ours if you want it. Just a little piece of home until one day…”

Clarke threw her arms around Lexa’s neck, crashing their lips together. The next moment Lexa could feel her back hitting the wall, the exposed brick digging into her skin. She swiped her tongue over Clarke’s bottom lip, earning a groan in response as she gave Lexa more access. Clarke’s entire body was on fire the moment they started kissing, she let out a whimper when Lexa’s hand finally found its way under her tank, pushing herself harder against the brunette before suddenly pulling away. Lexa whined at the sudden loss of contact, but her neediness was soon replaced with concern.

“Shit, sorry Clarke. I didn’t mean to push things. I-“

“No, no it’s not that.” Clarke’s eyes found Lexa’s and they could both see the desire in each other’s eyes. “Just, not here. I am not fucking you with Marco downstairs. I’ve been waiting for this too long to possibly be walked in on. This is great, all of this is great, but right now I think we should head home where we can be alone. Please?”

“Ok.”

“Ok?”

“Yes, fuck let’s go”

The couple all but ran past Marco, telling him they would come and see him tomorrow. The drive home was frantic, Clarke’s hand on Lexa’s thigh just kept creeping higher and higher as they drove. At every red light, Clarke would lean over, trailing her tongue up Lexa’s neck to behind her ear before taking the lobe into her mouth and sucking lightly. Lexa’s eyes would slam shut and she’s groan loudly, gripping Clarke’s thigh, begging for more, but also begging her to wait until they got home. Each time they would jump out of their little bubble when the car behind them started honking its horn indicating the driver’s annoyance that they haven’t started moving once the light went green. 

As soon as they stopped at Clarke’s apartment building, they all but ran from the car, Lexa locking it as they went. They would barely get a few steps in before Lexa would push Clarke up against a wall, placing kisses up and down her throat, grazing her teeth over her pulse point. They finally reached Clarke’s door and as Clark went to unlock it, she could feel Lexa pressing into her from behind, pinning her against the unlocked door. Her hips started canting, grinding against Clarke’s ass and it might just be the best thing Lexa had ever felt. Clarke lost herself in the feeling of Lexa pressed up against her like this, not even trying to unlock the door anymore, she turned around so that their fronts could be flush against each other’s, devouring Lexa in a kiss, moaning as soon as Lexa’s strong thigh slipped in between her own, pressing hard against her aching core.

“Fuck, Lex” Clarke was already breathless and it made Lexa weak at the knees. “Inside. Now. Bedroom. Please.”

Lexa kept kissing Clarke and grinding against her as her fingers started fumbling behind the blonde, searching for the key and turning it before pushing open the door and moving Clarke into the apartment. As soon as they were inside and the door was closed, Lexa turned around only to be shoved back into the door by Clarke, pinning her against it just as she had Clarke pinned against the door a few moments ago. In between a flurry of kisses, Clarke’s deep, husky voice rang in Lexa’s ears. “Bedroom. I need you. Now.”

“Are you – Fuck Clarke that feel so good.” Lexa moaned as Clarke started grinding into her, her aching core burning intensely, needing more of Clarke. “Are you sure?”

“So fucking sure, Lex!” Clarke took a step back, pulling Lexa with her until the reached the bedroom, Lexa slamming the door shut.

Clarke ran her hands over Lexa’s back, feeling the twitch of her muscles through her shirt wherever she was touching her. She pulled Lexa closer, deepening the already intense and frantic kiss. She needed more. She needed to see Lexa come undone at her fingertips. She needed to hear her scream out Clarke’s name. She tugged at the hem of Lexa’s shirt, begging her to remove the offending piece of clothing. Clarke stepped back, allowing Lexa the space she needed to remove her shirt and with one smooth motion, she pulled off her own shirt. For a second, Lexa froze, staring at the beautiful body in front of her, before ripping off her own shirt. Clarke stared at her body. It was absolute perfection. Her eyes were raking over her body when they landed on Lexa’s bra clad beasts, staying there. She could see Lexa’s heaving chest, picking up under her intense stare. “Off. Take it off.”. Lexa undid the clasp and threw off the bra to the opposite side of the room. Clarke flung herself into her, her hands immediately finding her breasts. Her kisses were filled with hunger and she swallowed each and every one of Lexa’s moans as she squeezed her breasts, taking a nipple in between her fingers and pinching lightly. Clarke lowered herself and wrapped her mouth around Lexa’s left nipple, while her fingers were still tugging and pinching the right. Her tongue started swirling around the nipple slowly, before unexpectedly flicking the nipple upwards with her tongue, moaning at the whimper leaving Lexa’s lips. Strong fingers wove into her blonde hair, keeping her in place as she sucked hard on the nipple, swirling it around with her tongue as she sucked. She let go of the nipple with a slight pop, smirking at the groan falling from Lexa as she moved to her right nipple to pay it the same attention as she had the left. Lexa’s grip in her hair growing tighter each time her teeth grazed her nipple or she sucked on it hard enough.

She kissed her way back up Lexa’s chest, nibbling at her collarbone, dragging her tongue up her throat and kissing her way up Lexa’s sharp jaw to just under her ear., tickling her ear with the breathy whisper she let out. “I need you, Lex. Fuck I need you so bad.” Clarke threw back her head with a moan when she felt Lexa’s thumbs rubbing circles against her nipples through the fabric of her bra. Clarke was moaning, her head still thrown back and her eyes shut at the sensation of Lexa squeezing her breast, the rough fabric of her bra pushing against her hard nipples at Lexa’s touch. She pushed her chest into Lexa, begging her for more.

“Fuck... Lex… Take it off. Fuck I need to feel you.” It didn’t take any more convincing before Lexa snaked one hand behind Clarke’s back, unclasping her bra and letting it fall to the ground. She squeezed Clarke’s breasts again and gasped at the feeling of her hard nipples grazing her palm.

“Fuck, Clarke. You feel so good!” Lexa dropped her hands from Clarke’s breast, pulling her closer as her hands travelled down her bare back down to her ass, giving it a squeeze as she slipped her leg in between the blonde’s, giving her something to grind on. Lexa snaked her arms around Clarke’s back, pulling her closer into her until they were chest to chest with nothing in between them. Clarke began rubbing her nipples against Lexa’s, making her groan at the feeling of their erect tips grazing against each other’s. Lexa was so fucking wet and she needed Clarke to feel exactly what she was doing to her. This sensation felt too damn good, but she knew if they didn’t do something soon, she might just explode. 

“Bed. Now.” Lexa groaned in between kisses, pushing Clarke back towards her bed, pushing her on her, watching her chest heaving and completely flushed with need. Clarke looked up at Lexa, seeing the absolute lust filled eyes staring back at her as Lexa started slowly taking odd her pants and her underwear in one smooth motion. Clarke could cry at the sight of it. Lexa, completely naked in front of her, looking like she was ready to devour every inch of her. Lexa moved forwards, unbuttoning Clarke’s jean and pulling down the zipper before hooking her fingers into the jeans, looking up at Clarke for permission and ripping them off, along with her underwear as soon as Clarke gave her a desperate confirming nod. Lexa stood back again, raking her eyes over Clarke’s body, from her beautiful face down to her collarbones, her erect nipples, her smooth stomach and finally down the patch of neatly trimmed blonde curls, damp with want. 

When Clarke looked up at Lexa, all she could see was hunger. Immediately she squeezed her thighs together, needing some semblance of pressure on her throbbing clit.

“Don’t” Lexa’s voice carried through the room, heavy with want. “Spread them. No touching. That’s for me and me only.” Clarke squirmed under her gaze, slowly spreading her legs wider, whining at the loss of pressure. All Lexa could focus on were Clarke’s glistening folds.

“Is that all for me, baby?” The hunger was still there, her eyes finally meeting Clarke’s again, seeing the same want reflected back at her.

“It’s all for you, because of you. All yours. Now please get the fuck over here. I need you.”

Lexa moved her hands up Clarke’s smooth legs, enjoying the way the blonde’s breath hitched as she reached higher, her legs quaking at her touch. She kissed her way up from Clarke’s left calf, her inner thigh, inhaling her scent as she moved closer to her dripping pussy. Clarke was divine and she wanted nothing more than to taste her, but she’s waited so long for this, she was going to make it last. She placed a kiss on Clarke’s hip before lightly grazing her teeth over the bone, watching the goose bumps following the trail her mouth left as she kissed over to her right hip and followed her way down her thighs to her calves again before sitting up again. She looked down at the blonde writhing beneath her, begging to be touched.

“You are so beautiful, Clarke and I love you so much.” The hunger was still there, but there was something else filling her eyes. Love, adoration, awe. Clarke was everything she could have ever dreamt of and now they were finally doing this together. She smiled at Clarke, before dropping her head again to kiss up her stomach back to her breasts, dragging her tongue up her chest to her throat, kissing her way up to her waiting lips.

“You’re killing me, Lex.”

“You think this isn’t killing me?” Lexa smirked, before placing another soft kiss on Clarke’s jaw, earning her another whimper.

“You sure seem like you’re handling it well” Clarke grit through her teeth, squirming at the light touches of Lexa’s fingers up her sides, over her breasts, up her jaw. Light touches in complete contrast to the hungry, desperate touches from before.

Lex placed her hand over Clarke’s, guiding its way down her body. “Feel just how much you’re killing me.” It was barely a whisper as she dragged Clarke’s fingers down to her dark curls, dripping wet thanks to Clarke. The moment she dragged the blonde’s fingers through her soaking slit, both of them took a sharp, deep breath.

“Fuck – Lex… That’s – That’s for me?”

“All for you, Clarke. This is what you do to me.” Lexa could barely breathe as Clarke started taking control, lightly stroking her slit before dragging up a single finger and circling her clit slowly, not giving her nearly enough pressure.

“Fuck, Lex you feel so good.” Clarke moaned. She loved feeling how wet her girlfriend was for her. She loved knowing that she wasn’t the only one that felt this way. “Touch me, Lex. I need you. I want this. I want to cum with you.”

Those last words made Lexa’s heart race, her hand immediately finding its way to soaking blonde curls. She let out a load groan as soon as her fingers slipped in between those folds, taking in just how wet Clarke was for her. “Fuck” she breathed out. “It’s better than I could have ever imagined” she swiped her fingers up, lightly flicking Clarke’s clit before circling it, making Clarke buck her hips up. Their bodies started moving against each other’s loving the delicious slow rhythm they had set for each other.

Soon enough the room was filled with moans and gasps of pleasure. Still stroking Clarke’s pussy, Lexa pushed herself up on her other elbow, looking down at Clarke, the blonde’s eyes shut from the pleasure. “Clarke, open your eyes. I want to look at you.”

Blue met green and Lexa thought that she might just melt right there. Her fingers started picking up their pace, causing Clarke to do the same. They kept their eyes on each other. Gasping and moaning as they worked each other up until Clarke finally got more than just needy moans to leave her mouth.

“Lex, I need more. I’m so close.”

“Fuck, baby me too. I’m so close.”

“I want all of you, Lex. Please. I need you inside me!” Clarke whined, bucking her hips before Lexa plunged two fingers into her, making her throw her head back into the pillow, screaming in pleasure.

“Fuck, Clarke you feel so good around my fingers.” Lexa whined, loving the way Clarke had already started fluttering around her fingers. Lexa let out a gasp as Clarke entered her for the first time with just one finger. “Fuck. Clarke. So good. More. I need more. Close”

Clarke added a second finger and they quickly fell in sync with each other, building faster and faster until the room was once again filled with Lexa’s moans and Clarke’s cries of pleasure. Lexa was close and she knew Clarke was too, she could feel it in the way her pussy was gripping her fingers, making her moan out a high pitched uncontrollable moan.

“I’m close, I’m close. Fuck. Clarke, baby I’m gonna cum!”

“Fuck, Lex me too. Just like that baby. Don’t stop. I’m close – fuck I’m-“ Clarke interrupted her own talking with a moan ripping through her when Lexa pressed down on her clit.

“Fuck, Lex. Look at me. I want to see you when. Fuck.” Lexa’s eyes snapped open and she looked deep into her lover’s eyes. Her orgasm was fast approaching and the combination of looking into those ocean blue eyes and seeing how close she was to coming undone, and the thumb now pressing on her clit sent her over the edge.

Lexa felt the sharp wave of her orgasm rising inside her and crashed her lips into Clarke’s before pulling away looking deep into the blonde’s eyes.

“Lex, I’m close. Fuck. I’m gonna cum. I’m cumming, I’m cumming, I’m cumming oh my fuck. Lex! Fuck. Lexa!”

“Cum for me baby. I’ve got you. You can let go.” With that Clarke’s entire body tensed up as her orgasm ripped through her, completely soaking Lexa’s palm as she was screaming out her name. Lexa kept thrusting into her, riding out the most intense orgasm she has ever experienced the moment she heard her name falling from the blonde’s lips as she came. “Clarke! Oh fuck! Claaaarke!”

Lexa collapsed on top of her, still slowly grinding into her, her fingers coaxing Clarke’s last drops of her orgasm from her until both of their hips started slowing to a halt. They were breathless and completely spent. She whined at the loss of Clarke’s fingers inside her, the whine quickly turning into a moan as Clarke licked her fingers clean, groaning at the taste of her. “You taste so good.” Lexa launched herself forward, crashing her lips into Clarke’s and tasting herself, moaning at the thought of Clarke tasting her.

“Don’t even think you’ll be the first one to taste.” Lexa grinned before kissing her way down Clarke’s body, finding her way between her smooth legs, dragging her tongue up her soaking slit, moaning into her, earning a scream from Clarke as her hands found their way into Lexa’s hair guiding her where she needed her. The blonde wasn’t going to last long and they both knew it, but it was ok. Lexa knew that this wasn’t going to be the last time and they were going to have forever together to do this over and over and over again.


End file.
